The Desire to Belong

As I scroll through social media, I see images of people having amazing connections with one another. I see them laughing, enjoying time together, camping, going to the movies or a concert, or simply having dinner. My heart is full for them and the relationships they’ve built over the years. Many have been friends for decades, while others are newer friendships formed within the past 5 years.

Even though I am genuinely happy for what they share, I sit and wonder, “When is it my turn for those connections? When do I get to do fun things with a group of people I love and want to spend time with on a continual basis?” Mind you, I have a handful of friends who are above and beyond everyone else I know. But, our time together is limited as one is 250+ miles from where I am and the other has an overflowing plate with family responsibilities.?

I wonder why I’m not invited. I wonder why I don’t belong. Have I done something to push others away? Do they see me as the single mom who doesn’t bring anything to the table? As I begin to go down the rabbit hole, I stop myself for a brief moment with positive thoughts and affirmations and all the stuff we’re taught through personal development. Instead of climbing out of the rabbit hole, though, I plunge deeper into it and realize, I haven’t ever truly belonged. I’ve been the weird kid with the weird name with the weird parents who spoke with an accent and only socialized with other Hungarians.?

I sit in the victim mentality for far longer than I prefer. Honestly, five minutes is more than necessary to sit as a victim. I wonder why I’m not good enough for seemingly anyone in my life. The rabbit hole is indeed deep with this trip.

Slowly, as I lift myself out of the dark dungeons we’ve all experienced from time to time, I realize - once again - I’m looking at things all wrong. Or, perhaps, I’m just looking at my situations a bit asqued. I ask myself: From where does our desire to belong stem? Even when we’re toddlers, most of us have the yearning to get the approval of our parents, to have friends, and to belong. As we grow into adulthood, our decisions and actions are determined by the acceptance or nonacceptance of those closest to us. We want to be welcomed, appreciated, and seen. It’s how we’re initially hardwired. Those who veer away from this have, more than likely, been deeply wounded as children.?

Why does it matter to me if others are having the time of their lives and I’m not? Their happiness does not directly affect me. Therefore, other’s happiness does not (necessarily) have an immediate impact in my life. What matters to me, personally (and not because I’m full of ego), is why I feel as though I’m not having the time of my life? Why do I feel like I’m getting gypped? Which part of my soul is so broken that I choose to go down this rabbit hole time and again???

Let’s be honest, I get frustrated with myself because I focus on the negative instead of all of the blessings in my life. And though it’s healthy to look at the negatives, visit with them for a while, and let the feelings be felt, it’s completely unhelpful to invite them in to unpack their suitcases and to stay a while.?

There are a variation of questions here to ponder:?

1. Why do I have such a strong desire to belong?
2. Why do I feel as though I’m not good enough in certain circles?
3. How do I get myself away from Alice in her wonderland in order to live my best life?

Ultimately, these are the questions to ask yourself? Be honest with your answers! When your desire to belong was minimal, what were you doing in your life to invoke that reality? Look at the circles you’re actually in and? be in gratitude for the people who welcome you with open arms.?

In reality, the grass is rarely greener on the other side. Instead of longing for what you lack, be in appreciation for all the joys you do have. Start small if this task feels cumbersome. You are reading this entry on some kind of device which means you have a source of power. If you’re on a device, you have more than likely had at least one meal today. If you’ve had more than one meal, you have been gifted with sustenance. Now it’s your turn, start with something small for which to be grateful, then keep going and going and going.?

Finally, getting away from Alice can be tiring. Wouldn’t it just be easier to stay in the depths of sadness and sulk there with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for an evening, a weekend, or an entire week? Yep, it sure would. But then what? Then, where would you be? You’d be further down than before, and it would take longer to get back up.?

So, yes, we all have a desire to belong. It’s important to remember what we actually have in our lives versus what we long for in life. Find value in your inner circle - no matter the size. Find value in the time you get with your family - there are countless people who don’t have families and yearn for those connections. Find value in yourself. When you begin finding the value in who you are, your world will begin to shift to fulfill the desires of your heart.?