Design Your Life: Beyond the Fluff

This year has not gone as expected personally or professionally, making me question the increasingly popular idea of "Designing Your Life."?

It sounds great in theory—who wouldn’t want to design a life aligned with their values, in pursuit of their passions, and discovering their purpose? It’s exciting, even admirable. But what happens when life throws curveballs? When things don’t go as planned or look the way you expected? Is the idea of “Designing Your Life” just a bunch of fluff, or can it truly guide us through adversity?

In 2022, moving to Miami felt like the start of a dream come true. We were excited, ready for a fresh chapter, and eager to build the life we had envisioned. But fast forward two years, and life took an unexpected turn. We found ourselves needing to move again—something we never saw coming. This year has been a season of unexpected challenges, sleepless nights, and navigating a lot of uncertainty.

As a strong advocate for this concept, both personally and through my work with Steadyworth , I think it’s important to discuss the nuances, skills, and mindsets required to design your life in a way that’s meaningful—without the fluff.

Designing Your Life is a Continuous Process

Designing your life isn’t something you do in 90 minutes or even 90 days. It’s an intentional sifting of priorities, a constant realignment of actions, and a commitment to closing the gap between what we say we want and what we do.

If you’re going to embark on this journey, there are a few principles that I believe are essential.

Commit to Being Yourself

The truth is, most of us are wandering. We don’t want to admit it, but we often feel unsure of our direction—are we in the right career? The right relationship? The right city? Are we really making a difference?

In a world where options seem limitless, and we’re constantly exposed to the lives of others, it’s easy to adopt what others are doing and assume it fits us. But to truly design your life, you have to be ruthless about trying stuff on and removing what doesn’t align with who you really are.

I remember reading through a project I created in elementary school and my dream was to become famous and be an actress. I laugh at how little that resonates with me today but it paints a picture of how we actually have to enter into a process of discovery to know ourselves. Throughout my life but more intentionally in the last 10 years, I had to try different jobs, be in different types of relationships and try new things in order to see what “fit” me and what didn’t.

This process can feel vulnerable and?filled with frustration, dead ends and loss. But it is also filled with excitement, meaning and laughter, and a level of depth that decreases the noise around you.?

In order to commit to being yourself you have to develop this key skill.?

Being Self-Aware

Being yourself isn’t possible without a high degree of self-awareness. I’ve met many people who believe they are self-aware but are blind to the truth. The degree to which you can handle the truth about yourself is the degree to which you are truly self-aware.

I remember talking to a friend years ago about a conversation I had with my boss at the time that really bothered me. I was sharing the details of the conversation and told her I felt really irritated by what felt like condescension. My friend very bluntly said to me, “You know, usually the things that bother us most in other people are the things we don’t like about ourselves.”?

And insert a dagger to the heart. It hit me so deeply that I had to take a step back. Now, of course I had two choices. Be offended or take an honest look at myself and see if what she was saying was true.?

And guess what, she was right.?

Unfortunately, ignoring the parts of yourself that you don’t like won’t make them disappear. It just makes you harder to be in a relationship with—whether that relationship is with yourself or other people.?

Thankfully, I listened to the feedback and have been able to work on this aspect of myself and choose something different when I start to notice my own condescension arise. It has taken a great deal of labor and humility to correct and I am still a work in progress but I am much better off integrating the truth than choosing to remain blindly stuck and frustrated.?

Becoming self-aware can feel dangerous, which is why most people don’t do it. But it’s the foundation of a sturdy, unbreakable life. Without it, any life design is fragile and vulnerable to collapse at the faintest sign of setback, challenge or disagreement.?

The question now is how do you develop self-awareness?

Practicing a Learner’s Mindset

A few years ago, I read Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Marilee Adams, and—ironically (or maybe not so ironically)—it really did change my life.

In the book, Adams introduces the concept of a learner’s mindset versus a judging mindset. A learner’s mindset asks open-ended questions like, “What happened? What do I want? What are the facts?” These questions give you choices and open up options. On the other hand, a judging mindset asks, “Whose fault is this? What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with them?” These questions tend to feel heavy and limiting, often leaving us stuck.

You can’t design your life with a judging mindset.

When I finished playing college soccer, I felt completely lost. Soccer had been my identity for so long that, without it, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do. It felt like I was starting from scratch. Adopting a learner’s mindset became crucial as I navigated different jobs and roles, trying to figure out my strengths and interests. This mindset not only helped me make peace with my weaknesses, but it also allowed me to see the silver linings in my failures—and yes, there have been some epic failures, and I’m not afraid to admit that!

A learner’s mindset can transform even the hardest experiences into something valuable. In order to design a life without fluff, you must be able to turn setbacks into opportunities.

The Real Costs and Rewards of Designing Your Life

Designing your life isn’t about perfect lattes, endless vacations, or holidays in Paris (though it can include those things).

It’s about navigating heartbreak when you care deeply about your work.

It’s wrestling with uncertainty as you move across the country to support a loved one battling illness.

It’s sacrificing what’s popular for what’s true.

It’s grieving relationships and letting go of comfortable environments to move closer to your purpose.

It’s about finding joy in the simplest things—a working fireplace, an organized closet—amid the chaos, not in the absence of it.

It’s not always glamorous, and sometimes, it can make you feel un-relatable to those around you.

Designing your life is about creating a life that can stand as a pillar of joy in good seasons and a solid foundation in seasons of trial.

My life isn’t exactly what I imagined. The picture I’ve held in my head since I was a kid doesn’t fully match my reality today—and to be honest, I’m still learning to come to terms with that.

But what I can say is that I have intentionally built my life brick by brick. I’ve found joy even in the darkest places. I’ve discovered the courage to laugh through the heartache. I’ve collected wisdom I’ll carry with me forever. And I’ve laid a foundation to keep designing, curating, and dreaming up the life I’m purposed to live.

Choose the Hard Road

In the end, “Designing Your Life” isn’t about crafting a flawless existence where nothing goes wrong. It’s about having the courage to face uncertainty, the wisdom to adapt, and the resilience to keep going when things don’t go according to plan. Designing your life is not fluff—it’s a commitment to living with intention, embracing the unexpected, and making choices that honor who you truly are, even in the messiest moments.

So, although Miami is on pause for us right now and we are still walking in quite a bit of uncertainty, I believe this is just another opportunity to strengthen our foundation, to illuminate new possibilities, and to expand our vision of what our life can be.?

The real question isn’t whether you can design your life. It’s whether you’re ready to do the hard work of making that design your reality. With that being said, what step can you take today to turn your dreams into reality?