Depth Perception

For those that know me, they know that I am a huge fan of anyone trying to better themselves. I am an even bigger fan of those out there trying to help others that are trying to better themselves. So, it would be no shock that one of my favorite authors and public speakers is the amazing Brene Brown. She recently made her Netflix debut with, "The Call to Courage". For over an hour, I sat transfixed in front of the tv listening to her speak about vulnerability. I want to focus this message on something she mentioned in her talk and I have struggled with for as long as I can remember; Depth Perception.

I grew up playing basketball. I even managed to squeak out a college scholarship and continue living out my "first woman in the NBA" fantasy for a few more years than most. Now, at 31, my body is letting me know that the ship has long since sailed on me coming out of retirement for the occasional 3-on-3 tournament or a pick-up game with my brothers. I am always going to be grateful to the sport though. It taught me resilience, patience, and perseverance. I gained lifelong sisters and learned how to accept rejection and loss in a healthy way. One skill that has never been in my set though, is depth perception.

When the scouting report would come out on the opponent, you would analyze it until you knew what made that player so successful. You also were able to identify weaknesses. Like the inability to go left because they were great at dribbling and driving from the right. Or, they were a sniper with a great range from the 3-pt line but absolutely no ability to drive into the paint or get gritty in the box. For me, if the play was set up where I was positioned in the corner, it was a clear indicator that I was NOT the one taking the shot. Why? Because I couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from the corner! Move me to the wing, top of the key, or even half court and I increased my odds of scoring for the team. Just don't stick me in the corner and ask me to make the basket. My depth perception just wasn't there.

We are told to work on improving what we are bad at. For example, knowing I was a terrible shot from the corner, my solo practice consisted of shooting as many shots as my arms and legs would allow from the corner. Practice makes perfect, right? Wrong! I was told to focus on repetition, adjust my form, change my viewpoint, aim elsewhere, and start short and work my way out to the 3-pt line. After trying these suggestions repeatedly with no major success, to say I was defeated and infuriated was an understatement. I saw what I wasn't good at, dwelled on it, and tore myself apart. It consumed me and I felt like I let my teammates down because of it.

One afternoon, a teammate was still in the locker room when I came in to change. She saw the look of morbidity on my face and asked me to tell her what was wrong. After unloading my worries on her about not improving despite my efforts, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "did you think our friendship was based on your ability to hit a shot from the corner?"

She went on to explain that our friendship had nothing at all to do with my ability to play basketball and no one had set a requirement that I had to be the best shooter from the corner in order to be of value. At one point, she asked me who told me I had to be the best corner shooter and what the consequences were if I wasn't? Before she left the room, she looked back and said, "I hope you don't surround yourself with people on the shallow end of the pool. I would like to think I have the ability to swim into deeper water with you."

It was the first time in my life that I had to look at a relationship and analyze how I was obtaining joy from it. I realized, I wasn't getting joy from it whatsoever and my moments of genuine happiness over the past few months were when I was with my teammates doing something other than shooting a basketball. So, I started redirecting my energy to where I could be of value. I chose to focus on what I enjoyed most; defense, passing, and communication. Pretty soon, I was the player you went to when we needed to get a "stop" or force a "turnover". When I stopped picking myself apart and dwelling on things I wasn't great at, I found that I was so much happier. My relationships improved because I was no longer held down by the feeling of failure. That dark storm cloud wasn't looming over my head with every interaction I had with others. Honestly, I felt silly placing my joy in life on something so minute as that. At that point in my life though, I lacked depth perception both physically and mentally.

Most of us will spend our lives focusing on what we aren't good at. We are constantly told where we need to improve and what we could do better but, how often do you hear about what you actually do really well? Why wouldn't we direct our energy toward something that we do well if it brings us joy?

It's exhausting to constantly focus on joy. Life isn't always unicorns frolicking in fields of daisies. There are days where we just don't have the energy to go deeper. Sometimes, it's easier to just stay on the shallow end of the pool. Swimming out to the deep end requires us to tread water and be more conscious of our actions. However, positive human interaction is quintessential for joy in someone's life. All personality types crave a deep human connection to survive with a semblance of happiness. Even that unpleasant individual at work that seems to only smile when someone else fails needs positive human interaction. This being said, if I want to improve my own depth perception, I have to make the effort and swim out there among the others trying to do the same.

Self-reflection can be very ugly sometimes. No one wants to be described as "shallow", "lacking depth", or "surface level". On the other side of that coin, I don't want to associate myself with people that are described that way.

So, when considering your current relationships, how many are located at the shallow end of the pool? This isn't to suggest that everyone at the shallow end needs to be excommunicated from the island of your life but, you need to dig deeper and figure out which of you placed the relationship there? Is the relationship capable of going deeper? Not everyone is meant for the deep end of the pool but, the same can be said of the shallow end too.

I challenge you to examine your interactions in the workplace and at home. Ask yourself if you trust someone enough to swim to the deep end of the pool together. Improve your depth perception by working with others to improve theirs. It's there that you will find joy.