The Depressingly lonely road of entrepreneurship

After an exhausting week at the office, you've put on a brave face and given literally everything you've got to give. You cancel all social engagements by making up a lame excuse and you confine yourself to the four safe walls of your home to try and recuperate.

You struggle alone, suffocating under an increasing pile of responsibilities, pressures, bills, emails, orders, complaints and when you get home to your partner they ask if everything is okay? you respond with the usual “I’m fine”. You both know you’re not fine!

You receive a complaint, perhaps a bad review and you take this as a personal attack. It drains your energy to the point of exhaustion and regardless of how hard you try its impossible to switch off and forget.

Your closest friends and family question your decisions. Why don’t you get a normal job? Why are you so serious? Why do you work such long hours? With each piercing judgement from those closest to you, you withdraw a little. Until eventually you are completely withdrawn and isolated.

You work harder and harder, longer and longer. Continually setting the bar of success higher. Without recognising it you set yourself up to fail. Every time you fail you question your worth, sabotaging yourself until the point your self-worth hits rock bottom.

Sound familiar?

You may feel alone!

But YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

The internet is full of patronising self-help advice, and before you continue reading I want to be clear that writing this piece (my first ever piece!) was intended as much to aid my own recovery through sharing openly as it was to share my experiences to help others and hopefully it will not be perceived as the patronising self-help talk I despise. As an ambitious entrepreneur who has suffered with depression & anxiety for over a decade (mainly in the forms of hopelessness, limiting self-beliefs, loneliness & exhaustion) I just wanted to share some stuff I’m going through, what I’m learning and what I’m doing to manage it all as best I can.

So, let’s dig in….

Here’s the worrying stats:

In recent years it would seem that attitudes towards mental health have improved, with sufferers feeling more empowered to speak openly about their experiences without the historic stigma or judgement.

However, in my research for writing this piece I came across a study by a Dr. Michael Freeman, a clinical professor at the University of California, San Francisco. (1 — see footnotes)

Although limited with its self-report measures (Where the participants completed the study remotely), the study found that 1 in 3 entrepreneurs live with depression and 30% of all entrepreneur’s experience depression. And this number could be even higher because of the stigma associated with talking about mental health.

At face value, the study suggested that entrepreneurs are four times more likely to suffer from depression than everyone else.

As entrepreneurs, CEO’s, business leaders, who do we share this burden with?

Do we talk about our mental health concerns with our nearest and dearest? Or do we keep this to ourselves in fear of being perceived as weak? Or are we scared of judgement from family, friends & colleagues who may be quick to criticise our situation that could be totally foreign to them?

Yes, there is an evident correlation with poor mental health and entrepreneurship.

Yes, entrepreneurship can be extremely lonely.

And perhaps if you suffer from mental health issues you should approach entrepreneurship as a life choice with caution.

For most of us however, entrepreneurship is a choice, it is a path we have chosen to take. A path that from my experience can involve deep sadness, loneliness, exhaustion and an abundance of mental health challenges. My recommendations if we are to have the best chance of success on this path would include seeking help where required, employing appropriate strategies to manage mental health challenges, learning to love and setting realistic expectations of ourselves.

I would like to share my experiences of some of the realities I continue to face as an entrepreneur and some strategies I have deployed to keep my mental health on track and as healthy as possible wherever I can.

Note: These are strategies that have worked for me and the circumstances unique to me. They may not work for you and you should NEVER stop taking medication or make any significant changes without firstly seeking your doctor’s consent.

#1 BEING AT THE TOP IS LONELY.

I generally strive to be liked by everyone, I think this constant seeking for validation comes from my mental health challenges with hopelessness and lack of self-belief. I quickly realised early on in business that it is almost impossible to develop meaningful friendships as the “boss”. Regardless of how close your team is, or how friendly you are with your customers, when the shit hits the fan you are the boss and the person responsible for all issues. This was a hard-hitting reality for me. Having avoided engaging in meaningful relationships outside of my business, because hey, I don’t have the time for that, I thought I had developed meaningful friendships within my business life. Don’t get me wrong I have great, fulfilling relationships with colleagues but there is always going to be a discrepancy between friend and boss that is out with my control. And to manage this I sadly must reassess my expectations of the trade off’s in these internal business relationships.

Furthermore, When the shit does hit the fan, which it does, I am responsible for all the mess ups. Regardless of who caused them I am 100% responsible and must own them completely. There is no one to blame but me. I’ve got to suck it up and be seen to be in complete control, I must fix it in silence and there is a high probability that no one cares as much as me about the problem at hand. This is a tough reality to face, a lonely one at that! But as I will explain further on in this piece, there are ways that I have reached out for support to ease the pain.

#2 BROKEN TRUST IN PARTNERSHIPS WILL LEAVE LASTING SCAR TISSUE.

Business is harsh. Business decisions are harsher. One of the realities of entrepreneurship is that partnerships with founders, investors, customers and an abundance of other stakeholders will always reach an inevitable inflection point and these relationships will come to an end, often due to misaligned values, ambition, life stages and a host of other factors.

We hope that these partnerships will come to an amicable end, but often these separations bring out the worst in individuals, especially when there is a values mismatch at the core of a relationship.

The likelihood is these relationships may well sting you at some point and the harsh reality of business is going to burn! And when it does It will shake your belief system and will make it hard for you to trust again. You may not be the hardened business person you need to be to get what you deserve from a trade, but you sure as hell will need to assume that persona to avoid getting the short end of the stick, and that act is going to be mentally and physically draining on you! In my experience these clashes hurt and unfortunately have ground me down on several occasions.

#3 OBSESSING OVER EVERY DETAIL OF YOUR BUSINESS CAN BE DANGEROUS

As entrepreneurs we can become a slave to the detail, obsessing over every minute part of our businesses is the reason why so many great ones succeed. However, it can also be dangerous and damaging as these obsessive skills can take over and even engulf the life of an entrepreneur. For me, sweating the detail soon became replying to emails on a Saturday night, not engaging in any meaningful listening or conversation with loved ones because of the racing thoughts about work going on in my head & not being able to live fully in lieu of one small minor detail being missed in the business. It links back to this barrier of success we set ourselves, when will what we do be enough? For me it was never, 24 hours 7 days a week of not just physically but mentally draining work with the view that any form of rest was undeserved, any activity outside of my business life unnecessary, and any interruption, often from loved ones, deemed a waste of time. My life was my business and if anyone of anything didn’t fit into that box neatly then I pushed them away and locked them out. I even threw away the key.

#4 BEING CONSTANTLY JUDGED WILL DRAIN THE LIFE FROM YOU

From customers and stakeholders to friends and family, I just feel like I am being constantly judged. And overseeing a business naturally and sometimes rightly so brings about judgement. When you put yourself on a pedestal for the world to view, which for me is a very difficult thing to do, you are going to get judged. Especially when things go wrong or when you are seen to fail; “he’s failed again, why doesn’t he get a real job?” etc. And I accept that this criticism is part of the job description.

I should be able to push this sort of empty criticism to the side, and all the logic I apply attempts to emphasise this, but as someone with mental health issues this criticism is taken out of context and played round and round in my head until my self-worth comes under severe scrutiny. I take the criticism as gospel and thinking about it makes them sick to my stomach. It hurts.

#5 FAILURE IS PAINFUL BUT NECESSARY

I come from a career in the start-up space, having ran 3 businesses in service, technology and food and been involved in a handful more. The interesting this about this sector, which is responsible for creating tech giants like Skyscanner & Rockstar, is that it boldy and brashly & without apology encourages Failure. None of these businesses or the entrepreneurs leading them would have succeeded without many, many failures!

These companies/owners embrace failure as a way of life.

They fail quickly if they are going to do so.

These failures encourage critical thinking to solve their problems.

This critical thinking provides a solution/s they never had before.

This solution paves the way for progress and ultimately more failures.

This fail & learn & act process creates a momentous forward momentum that far outweighs the negative impact of any “failures” that happen along the way, to the point that once the learning has been taken from them, they are forgotten completely.

But for an entrepreneur like me with self-limiting beliefs and/or mental health challenges the experience can be a whole lot different. These mini failures apparently critical for business success can seem like huge clarifications of their own worthlessness & non-existent self-worth and can stop us in our tracks. Failure is hard, even harder when you believe your not worthy. But I guess it makes it a little easier knowing it’s crucial for success.

Now that I’ve shared some of the stark realities I’ve faced in entrepreneurship, I wanted to share a few strategies I have deployed in my own life to help balance my ambition and mental health.

#1 DON’T JUST FIND A MENTOR, FIND A MENTOR THAT “GET’S YOU”

Mentors can be great for offering expertise and guidance, holding you accountable and providing reassurance that your moving in the right direction. In my own journey however, I have found that a relationship with a mentor can be equally as damaging if you are not careful in your selection of such a person. I think any potential mentor must understand you or at least be willing to attempt to understand your battle with mental health otherwise a tension or friction will eventually come to the surface. Misplaced or misinformed statements (although not intentional) from someone whom you are supposed to be looking to for advice could further worsen any mental health issues or feelings of self-doubt etc. If you are going to work with a mentor do your due diligence, make sure there is a values match, that they are open in their questioning and listening approach and have a willingness to understand your unique circumstances when offering advice or input.

#2 BE OPEN ABOUT YOUR STRUGGLES AND DON’T FEEL ASHAMED

Anxiety and depression happen to the most extraordinary people. Your potential isn’t capped by this horrible shadow so long as you are committed to treating it like an obstacle rather than an inherent flaw that you cannot fix.

View your illness like any other illness or obstacle. Just because you experience depression, doesn’t mean you have been diagnosed with a lifelong condition that you will not be able to live above.

You are great, you have unlimited potential and you deserve success.

#3 ASSIGN MEANING TO YOUR SUFFERING

For me, the meaning of my suffering is to share my experiences and help others who may be going through something similar. It is why I chose a career in the health & fitness industry, and its why I have decided to launch a podcast to share stories of other incredible humans.

Accepting my mental health issues and assigning them a practical application has been transformational for me and It has provided me with so much more fulfilment than anything else I have ever done.

#4 WORK ON YOUR MENTAL RESILIANCE, EVERY DAY

Spending some time each day working on my mental fitness has been a challenge for me, but when I get it right, it makes the world of difference to my wellbeing. There has been loads of scientific research done on the benefits of mindfulness and meditation on the brain. It can help combat depression and anxiety, but it has also been shown to increase focus, creativity, and happiness. It’s a tough one to crack but by chipping away at it daily you can make a real impact on your mental health.

Here are some exercises I try to do every day (And I emphasise the word try, because I don’t always manage):

1. Meditate: Spend 5–30 minutes every day alone, without technology, in complete silence and try your best to clear your mind of any thoughts. I often struggle to push past the 10-minute mark but I’m working on it and when done in the morning it really makes a difference to my day

2. Set reminders on your phone to go off a few times a day that alert you to take 3 deep breathes. A technique I learnt from a friend is a way to breathe out longer than you breathe in to stimulate a ‘relaxation’ trigger in the brain. Breathe in for 3, hold for 4, out for 5. A good target is 3–5 minutes a day.

3. Take a long walk (Without your phone). This is my absolute favourite and has the added benefit of physical activity.

#5 YOUR COMPANY DOES NOT DEFINE YOU

You should care deeply about the success of your business. If you don’t then you are not passionate about what you are doing. However, there is life beyond the business. You have more to offer!

For me my business acts as a safeguard from the outside world, and by working in the business 24/7 I manage to avoid engaging in other potentially meaningful joys life has to offer.

But then what about me as a partner, a keen golfer, a creative thinker, a son, a traveller and much, much more? I have realised recently that I am missing out on much amazing life moments by confining myself to my business.

#6 GET PHYSICAL

Fitness changed my life, ok a little more extreme than others as I now run a fitness brand full time and it has became my passion! However, in the depths of my depression a few years back, I was comfort eating and about 25lbs overweight. Having quite an obsessive personality, when I found fitness I instantly loved it and very quickly lost the weight. Exercise became a way of life and it was truly transformational. It didn’t cure my depression or anything like that, but it helped develop the mental resilience and outlets that allowed me to manage my symptoms much more effectively.

You don’t have to be in the weights room (although I’d recommend it) and the key is to find a form of exercise you enjoy, which could be walking, running, swimming, Zumba, boxing, rock climbing and so on.

Looking back at my mood diaries, there is a constant theme that clearly shows whenever I exercise I feel better, in fact the contrast in my feelings is so distinct that exercise is really a no brainer for managing mental health.

#7 LAUGH, PLAY & CREATE

This is an interesting one for me, if my partner is reading this she will be rolling her eyes! I must admit that I don’t often give myself the opportunity to laugh and play and I’m generally quite a serious person. However, that said, I do believe that laughter and downtime are necessary to a happy and fulfilled life (And regardless of what my partner says I do try to try with this). The effects of laughter are literally scientifically proven to reduce stress and improve general wellbeing through the release of endorphins, so we should at least give it a try.

For me it is my creative side that allows me the time away from “the day job”. I have a passion for creatively applying solutions to problems. This usually takes form of helping friends with businesses or ventures of their own and it allows me to operate comfortably outside my business while still feeling like I am safe because I’m applying the skills I know best.

#9 DAILY AFFIRMATIONS

For almost 2 years of my life, I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. Not just mirrors in the house, but I would feel terribly uncomfortable in a room with mirrors and even to the extent of avoiding walking past cars. This was due to having severe acne, but more so it stemmed from a lack of belonging, I had left my childhood friends to pursue my golfing ambitions in a new school. I didn’t fit in at the new school, in fact I hated it! But now I felt like I didn’t belong with my childhood friends either. It wasn’t a nice feeling and belonging has become a theme of struggle for me throughout my life.

Now, whenever possible I make a conscious effort to look at myself first thing in the morning (Usually while brushing my teeth) to tell myself that I am doing a great job, I remind myself that I am a kind-hearted person that bring a tonne of value to the world! It’s took me a long while to get to this point, but I now believe that self-love is important and it’s something I’m willing to keep battling with. Because now I realise I deserve it!

#10 I GOT A THERAPIST

As a guy, more so with depression, I found it very difficult to accept who I was and for a very long time I bottled everything up, not willing to share my struggles with anyone.

About a year back one of the industry leaders I follow and admire wrote an article about how working with a therapist has really helped him deal with issues he has struggled with for most of his adult life. This inspired me to take what at the time I believed to be a huge risk in approaching a therapist. What if someone found out? They would think I am weak? Guys don’t have therapists, especially not at 26!

And boy was I wrong! The past 6 months of working with a therapist have been lifechanging. For the first time in my life I opened and shared my feelings. The process of opening compartments of myself I locked away years ago has been unbelievable (And tough). I have started to become more self-aware and accepting of who I am. I have started to chip away at understanding what life moments may have caused some of the challenges I have today. It has made be a better partner, helped me see the values in friendships again. The whole process has played a big part on my recovery. Most interestingly it has led me to making some great business decision and ultimately it has led to me launching my podcast and writing this piece you are reading right now.

I don’t think therapy is for everyone. I wouldn’t want to recommend it for fear of it having a different effect on someone else than I have experienced. But I think the opportunity to share some of our challenges in a safe environment will be a positive (although challenging) experience for most people.

I hope you have enjoyed the sharing of my experiences.

There is life beyond depression.

And there is most certainly life beyond business!

Footnotes:

1. Michael A. Freeman, M.D. University of California San Francisco Are Entrepreneurs “Touched with Fire”? Updated April 17, 2015, Pre-publication manuscript.