Department of Marketing to the Wrong Person

Apologies in advance if you, or someone you love, offers email and social media marketing services. I know there's a place for these things and they can be effective. I'm pretty sure LearningMate, where I work, uses these campaigns from time to time. So I get the value.

But still, sometimes these marketing emails come to me and I'm not the right audience or person. And if I'm feeling puckish, I reply impishly. To wit, this exchange.

I, who am not in marketing, received this auto-generated e-mail:

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Hi Nick,

Are you planning to roll out any email or social media marketing campaigns next quarter?

We can help you reach out to 1,957,190 decision-makers from schools, colleges, universities, private schools, K-12 schools, elementary schools, secondary schools, internet educational services, and more.

If interested, kindly describe the target audience that can bring you new business, I'll get back to you with the counts and commercials for the same.

Do you have 20 minutes on your calendar this week to discuss the same? Kindly let me know.

Thanks & Regards,

Name Redacted | Title Redacted

Kindly reply with "opt-out" in the subject line to stop receiving emails

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Here is the reply I sent:

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Name Redacted,

I have no plans for email or social marketing campaigns. Those things are too easy to ignore or filter into oblivion.

All my marketing is done by driving to the office -- now homes because of Covid19 -- of the person targeted by a campaign. I sit outside the office and try to catch them on the way in or out. Out is usually better. Sometimes I follow them to their next meetings, bio-breaks, cars, intimate dinners on their date nights, children's recitals, or will crash a wedding or funeral just to get a meeting.

Though now with Covid19, the job is generally easier. I just park in the driveway and wait for them to walk their dog or accept a food delivery or some such.

It's a slower process, the in person uninvited and often unwanted cold call, more akin to door-to-door vacuum cleaner or encyclopedia or lawn care services or political canvassing efforts. But I like to do it that way. It feels more personal.

Good luck with your campaign. I'm sure there are more modern people than me on your list who may avail their marketing campaigns of your services.

Nick

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Do you ever reply tongue in cheek to an unsolicited marketing campaign message? What do you write or say?