The Demise Of Adulthood

I’ve thought about this issue consistently for about five years now. I got divorced in March of 2017; no one really reached out to me very much, which at the time was super saddening. About a year later, my cousin actually told me — via Instagram DM of all places — that my “entire family hated me” and I was looking for “too much pity” over getting divorced. Dunno about that per se. I just wanted someone to text me and say “How are you doing?” I don’t think that’s too much to ask, but I also know the common refrain in these situations is “I didn’t know what to say,” which is inherently a bullshit excuse but nonetheless one that many hide behind.

Over these last four years, then, I’ve thought about this almost daily. How should you think about the tough moments, and what are the expectations of friendship in those moments? We all know what the expectations are in the big moments — marriage, engagement, new baby, photo of you walking on a beach with your three kids, etc. The “expectation” therein is pretty low. Hit “like” on the photo and comment about “such a beautiful family.” Easy. Takes a few seconds, if that.

But what if someone posts about divorce, or a miscarriage, or struggling with sobriety? (I’ve posted about 2 of these 3 things.) What is the expectation then?

As I’ve thought about it more, the place I always come back to is that people have specific ceilings they can rise to in any number of ways, including:

• Professionally: Some people run silos. Some people always update Excels.
• Personally: Some people stay assholes until 80. Some become Gandhi.
• Socially: Some can work a room no matter who’s in there. Some will cower in the corner at the thought.
• Sexually: Do I need to elucidate this?
• Physically: Some can have 24 beers and run a marathon the next day. Some run one mile and want to die, then never work out for the next three years.
• Emotionally: Some know what to do and how to be present and listen; some don’t.

That last bullet is where it gets trickier as a guy, and where you almost need to shift the paradigm on male relationships.

That goes into the next point: there are only so many hours, and so much bandwidth, in a given day, week, month, or year. Most people — not all, but most — focus on their specific needs around earning income, family, children, maybe a few friends, some neighbors, and consuming pointless streaming content. Once in a while these people might even copulate for fun, as opposed to within the context of producing a third child. Wonders truly never cease.

You are not the priority of most people. If you’re fucking lucky, you’re the priority of yourself — and that’s not even true for a lot of people. (Self-destruction is very real. I’d know.) Most people honestly will not care that much about stuff related to you unless it somehow impacts them. That’s crucial life lesson. Another one: people prioritize what they want to prioritize.

Let’s say you put everything on a 1–10 scale in life, as many do. So, 1–10, everyone has a number on those bullets above. Maybe someone has a professional ceiling of 9, but an emotional ceiling of 2. (That’s probably a man.) Maybe someone has a conversational ceiling of 10, but a professional ceiling of 5. (Maybe a woman, due to societal constraints and assumptions about “nurturing.”)

You just need to understand where a person’s bar is. If they can’t get higher than a certain bar, pushing them to do so will only push them away from you in the short- to long-run. If they are capable of a certain emotional reaction, then awesome. If they’re not, just deal with them in the best way you possibly can and don’t expect anything more than that. It’s honestly easier that way than forcing a square emotional peg into a round “I want to focus on my family and my definitions of success” hole.

Thoughts?