Delving into Relationships

Delving into Relationships

Its New Year and we are receiving many enquiries for support from couples who are struggling I wrote this article for Counselling Matters Magazine last October which throws some insight into couple relationships and insight for clinicians

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Our sense of who we are is intimately associated with our relationships - both to other people and the contexts in which we live. We live in a relational universe and our?lives revolve around relationships with others ,the world, the past, present, and future . How we ?fair throughout our?lives could be determined by how well we manage these relationships. When relationships do not give us what we need, we no longer have or lose our sense of comfort and confidence about the person that we are.

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Relationships can be one of the most fulfilling and pleasurable areas in life. Our tendency to develop intimate and intense relationships can bring great joy and happiness. However, occasionally our relationships can become full of tension, resentment and conflict causing pain and upset to one or both parties. Difficulties in relationships are one of the most common causes of unhappiness, that can ?bring people into therapy.?

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The world or relationships is vast and so to are the various types of therapy and a recent google search revelled at least 25 approaches some evidenced based some not .I have listed some points to consider in terms of assement simple interventions and some questions as a starting point.

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In this article I want to list some ?common themes, and ?areas of conflict within couple therapy from a systemic perspective ,it is called ?systemic, because its theoretical framework comes out of cybernetics, the study of information systems. It originated in Palo Alto in the 1950s with Gregory Bateson, the British anthropologist.

It could be said in ?a nutshell that Couples therapy?is counselling for couples who are in a relationship and may or not be married and sometimes its referred to as marriage counselling. The initial aim of couple therapy ?is to improve the couples' relationship, or sometimes to help them decide whether or not they should continue staying together. Although the focus is on the couple, there are times when the individual psychological issues of one or both parties need to be addressed.

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There can be a lot of sadness, hurt, anger and resentment beneath the surface of relationship difficulties.

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Points to Consider for clinicians when working with couples

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From our experience we found on average there are 11 areas of couple issues that may create conflict (We have recently added social media)

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1.?????Housework

2.?????Activities

3.?????Affairs

4.?????Money

5.?????Mental Health

6.?????Sex?

7.?????Parenting

8.?????Relatives

9.?????Employment

10.?Social media

11.?Addiction

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Assessment ? Boundaries are very important when working with couples. Ensure clients are aware of how long you are meeting for and that you are meeting at a time and place which is convenient for all parties.

? Warm the context by being curious about their experience of talking in this way. For many couples talking together (to you/ in front of you) will be a new way of addressing some of the issues they face.

? Assessments are important as sometimes; it gives the couple an opportunity to name the problems they are facing.

? Clinicians must conduct a careful assessment to determine whether their clients are at risk of harm or abuse. If necessary, couples may need to be referred to alternative provisions.

? It is important to bear in mind that you are co-constructing this space with the couple.

? Be clear around your position on secrets.

? A useful way to start an assessment with a couple is by using a timeline to map Genograms are also very helpful.

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Couple issues in therapy

? Navigating mutuality (“Us”?“Me”?“You”).

? Communication.?

? Differences in ideas and beliefs.?

? Lack of problem-solving skills.

? Balancing demands of family life.

? Lack of strategies that avoid escalation of conflict.

? Moving between the different positions of confiding, attacking and withdrawal.

? Different?styles of dealing with emotions.

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Couple Interventions

Working in a systemic way you can adopt various ?systemic approaches for example .

Narrative, Structural, SFT, Strategic.

? Moving from the emotions to the behaviors/

action.

? Paraphrase what the other has said.

? Enquire what the other has heard.

? Naming the process rather than staying with content.

? Rather than go through a shopping list of issues focus on one.

? Set tasks/homework.

? Encourage them to talk to each other.

? Ask them to comment on what is going on underneath the high expressed emotions (vulnerability).

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Questions as a starting point

Would there be anything that would help you in that moment?

?– What happens when the two of you have different goals?

– Can you describe the situation for 5 minutes without blaming the other?

?– What would help you have that conversation??

– Is there one thing you could start with?

?– Has it ever been different?

– What effect do you think your mood has on others?

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Summing up

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When relationships go seriously wrong, powerful psychological processes come into operation, at often times we are not fully aware of this, and they can have unwanted consequences on our mental wellbeing and causing psychological distress.

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Systemic Family and Couple Therapy approaches aim to ?help people with psychological difficulties to mobilise the strengths of their relationships, to make disturbing symptoms unnecessary or less problematic. The aim is to help everyone understand each other, develop new ways to talk to each other. This can help create an environment in which everyone supports each other promoting health and wellbeing.

About the author

Alan Heyes is CEO of Therapy Partners and Founder of Rewrite your story a charity that helps support children and young people’s mental health

Alan trained at the University of Kent with the Relate Institute The institute of family therapy?and the Tavistock. If you have any further questions please contact him via the therapy partners website Therapy and Counselling in Maidstone Kent | Therapy Partners or [email protected]

For more information about therapy partners and relationship and couples counselling visit Relationship & Couple Counselling in Kent | Therapy Partners

And to take our relationship test visit Relationship Questionnaire.pdf (therapypartners.co.uk)