Delulu lessons on protecting the plagiarist

Dear friend, yesterday I was speaking with my younger sister about two important life lessons that I learned in my youth:

#1: Never let your loyalty lead to gullibility.

#2: Don't assume that everyone is as honest or ethical as you are.

Flashback

Once upon a time, our school hosted a local poetry recital. Students from all over the county joined. My group of friends was eager to be a part of the fun. A journalist came to cover this recital and asked if my friend wouldn't mind having her poem printed in the paper, and that is when things started going sideways, fast.

A subscriber wrote to the paper to fact check my friend's poem for plagiarism. From what I can remember, readers, teachers, counselors and librarians got involved. Students who knew my friend had to be interviewed in private 1:1 sessions to reveal if 1) we were aware of the plagiarism 2) if we had also plagiarized.

I felt so protective of my friend. I felt certain that she would never do anything unethical. I pushed back and defended her honor again and again to all figures of authority--and to other peers who would ask her or our circle of friends about it. I spoke up for her, in front of her and in closed conversations. How dare they?!

At some point, I realized that she started receding, especially in those moments when she got called out. She remained quiet and neither validated nor invalidated the claims.

It became clear that she had indeed transgressed and plagiarized.

When I look back at that time, my heart hurts for my friend. As an adult, I can empathize with her decision as a kid to submit a professional poet's work. I can imagine she may have felt all sorts of pressures (e.g., simply wanting to belong and look impressive during those awkward pubescent days).

What I am most disappointed in is that I don't think a single friend or adult in that situation took her aside to talk about important themes such as holding yourself accountable, recovering from shame, embarrassment and humiliation, making and owning mistakes, etc.

I can't tell you that I was wise enough to talk about these concepts with her. I swallowed all of my own confused emotions down and let them swim in my messy soup of pre-teen feelings.

Although we continued to hang out, I never forgot the shocking realization that I had to eat my own words because my friend was indeed a plagiarist, and I in turn, was indeed a naive and overly-trusting friend.

To be honest, I wasn't upset that I had stood up for my friend. If you know me, you'll know that I am very protective of my loved ones. (I may or may not have yelled back at a troublesome heckler who'd bothered my friend and me while we were walking on the Key Bridge between Rosslyn and Georgetown not too long ago.)

What bothered me the most was that I had made the wrong assumption that my friend and I shared the same ethos and moral grounding. How could it be that we didn't share the same value system when we had similar tastes and interests? She was so bright and considerate. I didn't want to shame her or make her into an outcast, but I wasn't sure if I could trust or respect her after this moment. Additionally, I wasn't sure I could trust my judgment anymore.

Flashforward

The Buddhist have a saying that you can only appreciate the beauty of a lotus after it has grown through six feet of muddy waters. As adults, we may have blossomed and grown past the surface, but that doesn't mean we aren't still in contact with our true nature and roots.

Growing up meant grappling with unclear answers in the muddy water. Being grown means having discernment about who and what is in the muddy waters, and being able to trace them back to their roots (essentially understanding if they are who they say they are, and if they are coming from where they say they are).

As a small business owner, coach, team facilitator and friend, I have to remember to check myself and the assumptions I make about who I surround myself with. Are my clients who they say they are? Are my peers, colleagues, etc. who I think they are? Or am I wearing foggy or rose-tinted glasses? Am I consciously or subconsciously letting something or someone become my Achilles heel?

I am still learning, and sometimes I find myself donning foggy or rose-tinted glasses seemingly out of the blue. I live in the tension between wanting to believe that everyone is trying their best and realizing that not everyone has your best interests in mind. It's an uncomfortable reality (a specific brand of muddy water), but I would rather live there than in a fictional delulu land.

I don't come with tips, but hopes:

• May you choose to have faith in humanity, even during difficult seasons.
• May you practice discernment.
• May you choose your peace, whether it means staying and doing repair work, or leaving and doing independent repair work.
• May you forgive others.
• May you forgive yourself.
• May you accept that sometimes, there are no easy or pretty answers.
• May you remember to challenge yourself and call yourself out when needed.
• May you look for glimmers and not just triggers.

On your way out

On a lighter note... I hope you have some fun shenanigans planned for this summer, even if it is just walking to your neighborhood ice cream shop. I am looking forward to spending time with family and friends. We'll be hosting a "Christmas in July" potluck as an excuse to spend some quality time with those we cherish.

I'll also be hosting my upcoming Room for Us Professional Development Retreat on July 27th. I decided to organize this retreat under my Room for Us brand because I want to be a force for transformation and expansion, so that there can be room for all of us at any table, organization or opportune moment. Join us for lively and informative workshops, group discussions and career coaching tips and tricks from the field.

Warmly,

Phim