Deliverance

“There is nothing that can take the pain away. But eventually you will find a way to live with it. There will be nightmares. And every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about.

Until one day, it will be the second thing you think about.”

– Raymond Redding

It can be extremely difficult to wrap your arms around the future when your back is up against the past.

Around the end of 2018, I began to understand my professional gig of twenty years would likely be coming to an end sometime in the next twelve months.

For about three months, I found myself seeking quiet and solitude to accept reality and contemplate my future in the strangest of places.

The Basilica of the Immaculate Conception in downtown Jacksonville, Florida.

I simply needed a quiet place to hang out, think and pray a bit from 11AM til noon.

I came seeking rest and renewal.

The empty church, Gregorian chants, burning incense, and the classical gothic architecture provided my perfect refuge to eat my Jimmy Johns subs and escape internal politics, confusion and a tinge of sadness.

On one late morning sojourn, I unexpectedly discovered that I needed to confront my past before I could address my future.

That epiphany struck me in a totally unexpected manner and place.

Why Not?

I was raised Catholic, as were both my parents, and their parents.

As a Catholic, we are required to go to confession at least once a year. But my dad had different expectations during my adolescence.

Why stop there?

Once a month, he took me to Sacred Heart to attend confession with him on Saturday afternoons.

So long as it did not interfere with Notre Dame football.

While I never stopped attending Mass, my days of going to confession ended shortly after I left home for the real world.

I recalled those childhood Saturday afternoon memories as I watched the faithful line up for confession each day shortly before noon Mass began at the basilica.

Otherwise known as my time to leave and walk back to the office.

For reasons not clearly known to me, I decided to join the line one day rather than slip out the side door.

Perhaps I was looking to “cover my ass?”

I am occasionally a spontaneous person by nature, and I do remember thinking “what do I have to lose?”

The line was extremely short, and I knew that I could be in and out in minutes.

And the priest would have no clue who I was.

So why not?

Letting Go Hate

My unprompted decision to go to confession went off the rails once I stepped into the confessional.

The “Just Do It” approach contained one major flaw.

I had given zero thought as to what I might say.

I guess that was one way to end a thirty-year drought. After the obligatory “Bless me Father” prayer, the priest asked me the obvious question.

“What sins do you wish to be forgiven?”

For somebody that had not been to confession since the 1986 Mets won the World Series, you think I could have spent an hour speaking.

But I literally could not speak, and the silence became awkward after a minute.

“What one thing would you like to get off your heart today?”, asked the patient priest.

I finally said:

“I am here to ask forgiveness for the intense hate I feel towards the people who murdered my sister, my cousin and my friends.”

Those words shocked me.

Whoa ! Where did that come from? Have you lost your mind ?

Ten minutes earlier, I was thinking about anything other than going to confession.

Fifteen minutes later, I left the church feeling fifty pounds lighter.

I still can’t explain what made me turn towards the confessional rather than the exit, but I knew I was a changed man.

The hassles at my job suddenly seemed trivial and far away from how I wanted to define my personal and professional life.

I needed to forgive myself.

I needed deliverance from hate.

And I received it.

Never Forget

Forgiving is learning to stop being angry and harboring resentment towards someone who has wronged us.

Forgetting, on the other hand, is when we determine to repress what happened and move on. This highlights that forgiving is the better option in comparison to forgetting as it allows somebody to heal completely.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or releasing somebody from legal accountability.

For the past 22 years, the United States Department of Justice has been employing the “four corner delay offense” regarding releasing vital information about the involvement of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia in the September 11th attacks on our nation.

The veil placed by our government to shroud 9–11 history began two days after September 11th and continues to this day.

I own no words to adequately express my disbelief and disgust on this interference to provide the public with an accurate account of history and blame.

Money is the matter.

If you are in it for truth, you ain’t gonna get too far.

As Terry Strada, National Chair for 911 Families United, stated recently:

“The 9/11 community has watched the Saudis’ public relations rehabilitation campaign play out for years both on Capitol Hill and in federal court where the Kingdom is still fighting us. We’ve watched the Saudis employ lobbyists and lawyers to try sell one version of the Kingdom in public while battling us tooth-and-nail behind closed courtroom doors in New York City.”

“Another well-worn talking point that Mr. Jimmy Dunne and others in this PGAT-LIV sportswashing enterprise sometimes trot out is the notion that it’s time to move on and put aside past differences with Saudi Arabia. They ask Americans to forget the crimes against humanity as though there has already been an acknowledgment of the Saudi role, that the Saudis have accepted responsibility and begged forgiveness, and that our nation’s relations are based on an honest accounting of that history. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The House of Saud in power in 2001 remains in power today. It has never been held accountable for the role its state-run banks, charities, and wealthy citizens played in financing terrorism and the September 11 Attacks.”

In some strange way, I believe the PGA Tour and LIV Golf breathed life into the unfinished discussion about the role of the House of Saud on 9–11 and the role of our government in suppressing vital information in the name of national security.

Maybe they assumed that we would tire and decide to “move on.”

Perhaps just forget.

But how do you forget something you think about every single day ?

No matter what Greg Norman, Phil Mickelson, Bryson DeChambeau, Jimmy Dunne or Jay Monahan say, there will never be a statute of limitation or a dollar amount to prevent the final chapter of 9–11 to finally be disclosed and written for history.

We owe at least that to the victims of 9–11, the first responders’ deaths and illnesses, and the loss of limb and life of our brave warriors in Operation Enduring Freedom.

Deliverance

Forgiveness is a personal journey and may look different for everyone. It’s about finding a path towards emotional healing and growth that works for you.

And it may take a long time.

Hate is weight.

Ballast best thrown overboard.

Hate only hurts the person carrying it.

I did not realize how strong I was until I had to forgive somebody who was not sorry and accept an apology that I will never receive.

I also needed to forgive myself.

After seventeen years following September 11th, I learned all of this in fifteen minutes in the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception in downtown Jacksonville.

I discovered that I had to deal with my past before I could deal with my future.

Absent of fear.

Free of hate.

But I also learned that I could still demand answers from our government and justice for those who provided financial and logistical support to the hijackers.

Someday in the future, September 11th will likely become another date on the calendar.

Like Pearl Harbor Day.

But for those of us who lived through it, those of us who watched family, friends and coworkers suffer and die, it will be a day we never forget.

Both in our waking and sleeping hours.