Deliverance From Porn

Overcome Porn, and today we are talking about how we need to replace porn with genuine intimacy. God built us for relationships. Created in His image, we are relational beings just as He is relational. Porn creates a parody of this by playing on our desires—not just our desire for sexual pleasure, but also for connection. In order to make a lasting break from pornography, we need to intentionally pursue intimacy with God and others.

Overcome Porn: the exciting topic of boredom.  After having spoken to a lot of people about their porn habits, both men and women tell us one of the biggest catalysts for sin is boredom. In the idleness of itching for entertainment and novelty, porn is an easy fix. Often, before we can defeat pornography, we need to defeat the notion fed to us by our leisure culture that the cure for boredom is mindless amusement. We need to replace our boredom with productivity, creativity, and service.

Cultivating thankfulness. Ephesians 5:3-4 says God's people should turn away from sexual immorality and impurity, and "instead let there be thanksgiving." It's interesting Paul doesn't say, "instead let there be purity." Purity is a fine word, but it really implies the absence of something—a lack of impurities or blemishes. Thanksgiving is about the presence of real joy and gratitude. When God calls us away from pornography, the goal is not to merely leave a void, but to grow in gratitude for all God has done, is doing, and will do, reshaping our emotional life not around the pleasures we lack but all the good gifts we have. 

Holy pleasure. We should not think that God is opposed to pleasure. He has filled this world with wonderful pleasures. One of the best ways we can combat pornography is by running toward the legitimate earthly pleasures He has given us. By embracing God's good gifts, over time porn will begin to lose its luster.

Let us continue exploring the theme of idolatry.  The previous article was all about how idols of the heart can drive our obsession with pornography. we want to get really practical: what does this mean, exactly? What are some of the idols we can have?

I had to learn that sex, though good and pleasurable, is not life. The desire for sex and intimacy is good, but even the best intimacy in marriage was designed by God to be a reflection of something greater.

Porn Obsession is About Faith

Attractive naked people aren’t the only reasons why porn is so alluring. The power of porn is the story it tells: everything from the setting to the words spoken to the expressions on the actor’s faces tell a story. We chase after porn because it is promising life to us—or at least something we’ve defined as life. We buy into those false promises and get hooked on the fantasy world.

Six promises the fantasy world of porn often makes to its viewers.

Below is my summary. This is the story porn feeds to us:

1. Respect: If we feel inadequate or rejected, our sinful hearts often crave respect, and porn offers the fantasy of respect. In the fantasy world, we are adored by fantasy women or men. Porn gives us an eroticized world where we are man enough or woman enough to capture the attention of others by our sexual prowess. We enter the fantasy, and for a brief moment, can feel truly valuable.

2. Relationship: We desire intimacy, but we don’t like its risks. We want to be close to others, but we don’t want to be vulnerable. We want a real relationship, but we want to be the one in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship. Porn offers a parody of love and closeness.

3. Refuge: In times of hardship or fear of failure, we want to relieve our stresses. When life gets hard we want somewhere to escape. We want to pretend to be someone else or somewhere else. Porn gives us a fantasy world where we are never a failure: you always get to have the hot girl or guy you desire, or you get to be the hot girl or guy. Porn provides us with an erotic escape.

4. Reward: In times when we are bored or when we feel like we’ve made great sacrifices, we often want to reward or entertain ourselves. This sense of entitlement drives us back again and again to the world of fantasy where our overworked minds and under-appreciated egos can “get what we deserve.” Porn showcases its “trophy” men and women across the screen, and for a brief moment, we experience that rush of, “Yes! I deserve this.”

5. Revenge In times of frustration and anger, we might turn to porn as an act of revenge against another person (like our spouse who isn’t having sex with us when we want) or against God (who isn’t giving us the life we want). Porn is our tantrum at the world that isn’t catering to our desires. Porn is our outlet for saying, “I’ll get what I want, and no one can tell me otherwise.”

6. Redemption: In times of guilt and self-loathing, the fantasy world of porn offers false redemption. If we are feeling guilty, pornography says, “You’re okay just the way you are. Nothing about you needs to change.” If we are mired in self-hatred, porn is our way of punishing ourselves. “This is the shameful life I deserve,” we say to ourselves. Porn is a way to indulge our dark world of self-pity. These are the false promises of porn, and for each person it is a little different. Just one of these might ring true for some people. For others, several or all of them ring true.

God’s Better Promises

But when it comes to breaking free, we need the better promises of the gospel to trump the power of sin. Breaking free from lust is ultimately about faith: will you believe God or will you believe porn?

How to overcome the power of sin.

1. Respect: If we feel inadequate or rejected, we must remember that God is the one who offers us genuine acceptance through Christ. The men or women in the fantasy do not know you. They do not love you. Christ does. We must repent of needing the approval of others (what the Bible calls “the fear of man”), pursue God’s glory above all (1 Corinthians 10:31), and anticipate the glory he promises to those who trust him (John 5:44). His approval is far better than the approval of men or women made of pixels on a screen.

2. Relationship: When we desire intimacy with others but we fear the risk, we need to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over our relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security digital sex.

3. Refuge: When we are stressed or when life gets hard, God is our true refuge, our rock, fortress, deliverer, and stronghold (Psalm 18:1-3). No matter what our circumstances are, next to the mountain-shaking, thunder-breathing God, our problems are no match for him (v.7-13). Instead of medicating our bruises with fantasy, we can escape into Him, casting all our cares on Him because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:6-7).

4. Reward: When we are itching for pleasure and excitement, we should run to God who is our living water. The well of porn is empty, and time will tell how little it satisfies, but God is our fountain of living water (Jeremiah 2:13). Instead of rushing to the quick fix of porn, we should cultivate a life of communion with God through prayer, fasting, meditating on his Word, and worship. We should cultivate a longing for the eternal reward of living with him forever, rejecting the temporary pleasures of sin (Hebrews 11:24-26).

5. Revenge: When we are angry that God is not giving us the life we want, we are like the elder brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:29-31). We consider our sacrifices, our obedience, and our devotion, and we believe God “owes” us something. But God does not relate to us this way: He relates to us as a loving Father. We are not merely God’s servants, but His sons and daughters. When we do not get what we want, we must focus our faith on God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows exactly what blessings are best for us in His perfect love and timing.

6. Redemption: In times of guilt or shame, we need to run to God who freely forgives us of all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). We won’t find redemption by normalizing our sin or by trying to punish ourselves. We need to look to Christ, our perfect High Priest: “by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14). When we are reminded of our guilt and failures, we must repeat the words Jesus uttered on the cross: “It is finished” (John 19:30).

Which of these internal motivators describes your experience? Which of these gospel promises do you need to cherish to overcome your thirst for pornography?

We continue our look at the negative impact of porn on the brain. Can porn be "addictive"? Evidence from the field of neuroscience shows us that it is. Porn addiction is a behavioral addiction, and knowing this can provide us a powerful motivation to avoid porn at all costs. Notice Paul's use of the word "members" (that is, the physical members of his body) in Romans 7: "For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members" (Rom. 7:22-23). When we are hooked on pornography, deep in our hearts we may desire to please God, but rooted in the physical members of our body (including our brains) we have ingrained sinful habits. The good news is that change is possible. Only a few verses later Paul writes that the Holy Spirit dwells in us giving life to our mortal bodies (8:11), and by the power of the Spirit we can "put to death the deeds of the body" (8:13). Given time, God can and will change our habits and heal our minds.

• When having sex or watching porn, dopamine is released into a region of the brain responsible for emotion and learning, giving the viewer a sense of sharp focus and a sense of craving: “I have got to have this thing; this is what I need right now.” It supplies a great sense of pleasure. The next time the viewer gets the “itch” for more sexual pleasure, small packets of dopamine are released in the brain telling the user: “Remember where you got your fix last time. Go there to get it.”
• Norepinephrine is also released, creating alertness and focus. It is the brain’s version of adrenaline. It tells the brain, “Something is about to happen, and we need to get ready for it.”
• Sex or porn also trigger the release of oxytocin and vasopressin. These hormones help to lay down the long-term memories for the cells. They “bind” a person’s memories to the object that gave him or her the sexual pleasure.
• The body releases endorphins, natural opiates that create a “high,” a wave of pleasure over the whole body.
• After sexual release serotonin levels also change, bringing a sense of calm and relaxation.

To break free from pornography. Jesus once said, "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell" (Matthew. 5:29). Don't let Jesus' use of hyperbole diminish the power of this statement: Jesus calls for radical amputation of the things that tempts us. Often we are tempted to believe we are stronger than we really are. We leave doors open, believing we'll be able to handle them. Instead we need to have the attitude of Job, who made a covenant—a solemn promise—with his eyes not to look lustfully on anyone (Job 31:1). Find the small habits that are contributing to the problem and cut them out.

Is it possible to break free from porn?

Many people ask me—usually at the end of one of my presentations about the effects of pornography—if it’s truly possible to be free from porn. They feel they’ve tried everything and are beginning to despair. They’re beginning to think that, while it might be possible for some people to break free from porn, it’s not possible for them.

I know that freedom from porn is possible, and I know this for two reasons:

1. I, and many people I know who have begun to find freedom from porn, have been exactly where you’re at and have felt the same way you feel now.
2. As a Christian, I know that, no matter how entrenched in porn you are, God’s grace is bigger, and that He is able to do more than we can ever hope or imagine.

Before we engage in practical steps, we need to keep in mind these three important truths in order to even begin battling porn addiction effectively.

1. You should think about sex.
2. Freedom is one day at a time.
3. You should struggle with the temptation to look at porn.

1. You should think about sex.

What is the nature of sex? What is its purpose?

Sex wasn’t invented by Playboy, Cosmo, or 50 Shades of Stupid. It was warped and distorted by these things. If we want to know whose idea sex was we only need to look to the very first commandment in the Bible from God to humanity. “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the face of the earth” (Genesis 1:28). And as Dr. Peter Kreeft notes, “I do not think that he meant, ‘I need you to grow pineapples and invent calculators.’” No. Sex is a good thing, a sacred thing. And so is sexual desire.

Christianity is not about the annihilation of sexual desire. It’s about the reorientation of it for the sake of love. Many people get confused because they think that strong sexual desire is the same thing as lust. It’s not. Sexual desire is a God-given gift which should propel us to make a gift of ourselves to another, according to the demands of chastity and prudence. Lust, on the other hand, doesn’t propel us to give, it compels us to take.

Love says, “This is my body given up for you.” Lust says the opposite: “This is your body taken by me.”

2. Freedom is one day at a time.

If you view freedom from porn as a destination, you’ll almost certainly remain disappointed. This is because freedom is not so much a destination we reach as it is a daily decision we make. Freedom is one day at a time.

Your goal today is not, “Okay, I’ll never look at porn again!” Instead, it’s, “Today I resolve to be the person God made me to be, and one thing that means is this: today I will not get sucked into lust and pornography.”

As Jesus said: don’t worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Real freedom is a lifetime of todays: moment-by-moment choices.

3. You should struggle with the temptation to look at porn.

Many Christians I encounter seem to think that the word “struggle” is synonymous with “give into.” We hear people say, “I’ve been struggling with porn,” and we assume they mean “I’ve been giving into porn”—and that is what they mean. But struggle doesn’t mean “give into,” in fact, it means the opposite. It means “to contend with an adversary or opposing force.” So now we understand that, I hope you won’t be offended when I say, “If you are tempted to view pornography, I hope you struggle with it, since the only other alternative is to just give in.”

Recognize this: when we struggle, when we “contend with an adversary or opposing force,” we grow stronger. When we struggle with pornography we grow in virtue. It’s not just the virtue of purity we grow in, we grow in other virtues as well: moral courage, patience, temperance, humility, and self-mastery.

If you struggle with pornography, recognize that you have an opportunity—an opportunity to tap into a massive outpouring of God’s grace.

Question for Reflection:

Write down an exit strategy for each trigger. When that trigger comes along, what will you say to yourself and what will you do? What to do when you feel the temptation to look at porn. But this can be difficult to do if we don't know what our triggers are—the situations or emotional events that get the motor running. A good exit strategy (1) plans to avoid needless triggers, and (2) has a plan for how to respond to triggers when they come.

One of the most helpful explanations I’ve heard about pornography addiction is Dr. Kevin Skinner’s “activation sequence.” The sequence is and why it is important for those who struggle with porn to create their own “deactivation sequence.” Anyone who wants to make a U-turn at their triggers first need to know what their specific triggers are. What sights, sounds, or events tend to get the motor going? Knowing your triggers will allow you to be more vigilant.

At every step of the activation sequence, if one wants to make a U-turn, they need to turn on their “thinking brain,” the part of their brain called the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain that does the deliberation, that chooses between wise and unwise actions. One can do this several ways, but one of the easiest ways to do this is to simply speak aloud and label what is happening. “This is a trigger.” By doing this, you stop being a passive participant, stop letting your habits stay in the driver seat, and helps you to snap you out of it. Then, once you’ve collected your whits, get up and do something else. Step away from the trigger

In our efforts to flee from sin and temptation, people often have a lot of resolve at the beginning, but that resolve tends to dwindle after a while. This is why we need a long-term strategy for change. We must remember this truth: When you are at your best, plan for your worst. When your resolve to quit porn is high, it is important to remember a day will come when your resolve will not be as high, and we need to have a plan in place that carries us through those days.

About 45% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and 88% of all resolutions end in failure. Your resolution this year might be to “lose weight” or “get organized” or “quit smoking,” but regardless, there are good psychological reasons why most New Year’s resolutions, including the resolution to quit porn, fail. And when you’re resolved to stop something as pleasurable as watching porn, the deck is most certainly stacked against you. So, how do you set a resolution that sticks? What does behavioral science say, and more importantly, how does the Bible shed light on quitting porn?

. Start with small, measurable goals

“What a mistake—the whole idea around New Year’s resolutions. People aren’t picking specific behaviors, they’re picking abstractions,”  There is a big difference between making resolutions and changing habits. Setting “small, short-term goals are the most effective and taking resolutions one step at a time is the best way to succeed.”

Only 10% achieved their goals. One of the key things the 10% did to succeed was break their overall goal into a series of steps, focusing on sub-goals that were concrete, measurable, and time-based.

The Bible is replete with such wisdom. Jesus says those who finish well as disciples are those who anticipate the measurable steps along the way. He said, “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’” (Luke 14:28-30). The book of Proverbs also recognizes the wisdom of knowing the day-to-day steps and logical ordering it takes to achieve a goal. “Prepare your work outside; get everything ready for yourself in the field, and after that build your house” (Proverbs 24:27).

So, how do you turn “Stop looking at porn” into smaller goals? Isn’t it an all-or-nothing kind of thing? Yes and no. Yes, one of our sub-goals should not be to merely “cut back” our porn viewing or reduce it to some manageable frequency. Merely drinking less deadly poison compared to yesterday is not an admirable goal.

But we can—and should—break our goal down into day-by-day, moment-by-moment steps.More often than not, freedom from pornography is not about being “delivered” from sin in a moment; it is about saying no in the day-to-day choices. The miracle of healing is a process.

• Write down the places and situations where the temptation to view porn is the strongest and plan an “exit strategy” to flee from those tempting situations over the next three weeks. Plan how you will avoid those situations. Write it down. Plan how you will exit those situations when they arise. Write it down. Why three weeks? Because it’s easier than saying “for the rest of my life.” After three weeks, set a new goal.
• Write down a list of SUDs—Seemingly Unimportant Decisions—that typically bring you one step closer to viewing porn. Certain activities look benign, but often there is a hidden motive. Is it getting online at night all by yourself? Not going to bed on time? Watching certain channels on TV? Listening to a certain kind of music? Shutting the door to your office or room? Write these activities down and choose that for the next three weeks, you will not do these things.
• Pick a “fighter verse” that you will memorize and choose to speak aloud the moment a tempting thought enters your mind. Pick a Bible verse (or part of one) that packs a punch for you, one that reminds you of your overall goal, one that reminds you what is at stake, one that reminds you of your commitment. There are many popular ones (Job 31:1; Psalm 101:3; Psalm 119:9-10, 37; Proverbs 7:25-27; Matthew 5:28-29; Romans 6:12; Romans 13:14; 1 Corinthians 6:18; Ephesians 5:3; Philippians 4:8; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; 2 Timothy 2:22; Titus 2:11-13; 1 Peter 2:11). Don’t be ambitious and memorize all of them. Choose just one. Speak it to yourself throughout the day and the moments you notice your thoughts heading the wrong direction. (And if you are thinking this baby-step is somehow beneath you, it is probably a good indication that you need to do it.)

2. Focus on the rewards

“The very fact that we’re using the New Year to spur us to action might indicate that we’re not really able to do the hard work of changing.”

The top 10% who actually achieve their resolutions are those who regularly remind themselves about the benefits. I recommend to people create a checklist of how life will be better once they achieve their aim. What will be the reward?

Again, the Bible is filled with the language of reward. How did Moses, who grew up in the palace of Pharaoh with the fleeting pleasures of sin at his fingertips, say no to those pleasures? The book of Hebrews says, “he was looking to the reward” (Hebrews 11:26). Indeed, this is the very nature of real faith. Faith “is the assurance of things hoped for” (11:1)—the anticipation that the life we are promised is real.

When it comes to saying no to lust and pornography, there are tailor-made promises in the Scriptures that hold out to us the blessings of having a sexually pure mind and body. The apostle Peter writes that we can become more like God Himself through His “precious and very great promises” (2 Peter 1:3).

Practically speaking, this means just as we have fed our minds on pornography, we should now feed our minds on God’s hope-filled promises. Just as we have spent hours engrossed in sexual media, we should spend hours filling our imaginations with God’s vision for our lives.

• If you are sexually pure, you will be living in the will of God for your life (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
• If you fill your mind with that which is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and praiseworthy, then God’s peaceful presence will be with you (Philippians 4:8-9).
• If you are not enslaved to your lusts, you will be freer to serve others in love (Galatians 5:13).
• If you are sexually pure, your life will be fruitful, and that fruit will be full of goodness, rightness, and truth (Ephesians 5:8-9).
• If you are sexually pure, your mind will no longer be foggy, your heart will be teachable, and you will be filled with the life of God (Ephesians 4:17-19).
• If you are sexually pure, your heart will not be enslaved to the worship of sex, which means you can wholeheartedly devote yourself to the true and living God (1 Kings 11:4).
• If you are sexually pure, you will be more prepared to be a great lover and to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse or future spouse (Proverbs 5:18-19).
• If you are sexually pure, you will keep your marriage bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).
• If you are sexually pure, you will no longer waste time but instead make the most of it (Ephesians 5:16).
• If you are sexually pure, you will be an honorable person (1 Thessalonians 4:4).
• If you are a sexually pure, person you will not be enslaved to your passions (1 Corinthians 6:12).

Read and reread these promises. Rewrite all these promises as an “I Want” declaration to yourself:

“I want to be aligned with His will and surrounded by His peaceful presence. I want to master my desires, not being a slave to them. I want to be full of goodness, full of life, full of honor, full of worship, tender-hearted, and clear-minded. I want to make the most of my days. This is God’s vision for my life, and this is his promise to the pure in heart.”

When pornography assaults your senses or when those lustful flashbacks fill your mind, let this vision, and the promises attached to them, be the fuel you use to reject the world’s temptations.

If you want to be rid of porn, a sure-fire way to fail is to get caught in the trap of obsessing over what you are losing—not having your temporary “fix” anymore. Instead, focus on what you are gaining. Each day, prayerfully remind yourself: This is the kind of person I want to become.

3. Establish built-in reminders

“Set your smartphone calendar to give you positive messages or reminders about your goals a few times per day.” Those who live up to their resolutions tangibly map out their progress, writing down their smaller goals and the benefits they desire.

This is also biblical. Moses established a yearly calendar and scheduled set times for the priests to blow trumpets as reminders to the people (Leviticus 23:24). Joshua had the twelve men from Israel carry stones from the Jordan River to build a memorial as a reminder of crossing the river on dry ground (Joshua 4). Jesus Himself instituted the Lord’s Supper to serve as a visible reminder to the church of His death (1 Corinthians 11:23-26).

It isn’t “unspiritual” to manipulate your physical environment so you can be reminded of your commitments. Do what works for you. Stick Post-It? Notes everywhere. Wear a ring or bracelet. Set alarms or alerts in your phone or on your computer calendar. Or do like what Jason George does: record your voice speaking aloud the promises and blessings listed above in your iPod and listen to it every morning for the next three weeks—and then make the same commitment three weeks later.

4. Be accountable for your goals

Those who achieve their resolutions had something else in common: They told their friends and family about their goals. This accomplished two things: it increased the fear of failure and created a network of support.

The same is true in cases of porn addiction. A study from Fuller Theological Seminary found that those who combined both Christian counseling and using Accountability software on their computers experienced a 66% drop in relapses, and many participants said they never relapsed.

Accountability is also something the Bible speaks a great deal about. James teaches his readers to confess their sins to one another and pray for each other so they can find healing for their distresses (James 5:16). All throughout the New Testament, the phrase “one another” is repeated over and over, giving the church a picture of the kind of relationships we are meant to have: relationships of encouragement (1 Thessalonians 4:18), bearing each others’ burdens (Galatians 6:2), admonishment (Romans 15:14), and love (Romans 13:8).

Accountability also brings with it the fear of failure or disgrace before others. The Bible also speaks to this:

Another motivator God has given us to keep us from sin is the threat of potential disgrace or shame before other people (Luke 14:9; Romans 1:24-26; 6:21; 1 Corinthians 11:6,14; 14:35). We ought to be aware of how our sins impact other people and our relationships. Paul’s term for this is “walking properly” (Romans 13:13; 1 Corinthians 14:40; 1 Thessalonians 4:12). It means living in a manner of decency, and having the awareness that our actions impact those around us.

We do not sin in a vacuum. Our sin impacts our families, friends, and communities, and thus it impacts our place in those relationships. This is why accountability is critical for success, and when it comes to Internet pornography, accountability software is a proven tool.

5. Have the right attitude about slips

It is easy to fall prey to the I-might-as-well attitude. If we slip and start watching a little pornography, often we say, “Well, I’ve already sinned. I might as well sin big.” “Expect to revert to your old habits from time to time. Treat any failure as a temporary setback rather than a reason to give up altogether.”

This is most certainly true in the area of pornography.  This balance is critical. Relapses into sexual sin are genuine setbacks, but neither should they defeat us.

6. Fight from a new identity

Psychology professor Peter Herman has coined the term "false hope syndrome" is when someone makes a resolution that is completely out of alignment with what they really believe is possible or how they view themselves, this not only leads to failure but a great despondency.

When people say things like (i.e. “I can stop looking at porn if I put my mind to it”), they are far more likely to stick to their goals. But those who believe self-control is limited (“I can’t help it that I look at porn. I have an addictive personality”) do worse on their resolution goals.

While it is true that the Bible speaks to human limitations because of sin, the Bible also speaks a strong message of God’s power to do the impossible despite our limitations. As Christians we must fight against porn with faith: we must believe we are children of the living God.

We are always simultaneous sinners, sufferers, and saints, we struggle in our lives—be it overcoming sinful habits or getting through times of incredible pain.

• Sinner: Sin is part of our very nature.
• Sufferer: Our sinful world has caused us harm.
• Saint: We are children of God.

Yes, as sinners and sufferers we are, in fact, limited in our ability to change. But as saints, we are united to a God who knows no limits, who is not intimidated by our sin or our lack of faith. God’s grace does not just overcome the guilt of sin: it overcomes the grip of sin.