Delays Aren’t Always Denials

A couple of weeks ago, my husband sat on our deck holding our five-year-old son in his arms as he read my book, Never Defeated. When he began Chapter 3, which is titled “Accept Delays Aren’t Always Denials," he started crying, saying he’d forgotten how many trials we’d endured as a family during my twenty-year academic journey.

Those trials reminded me of a writing reference book by Cindy Dees. She referred to Significant Emotional Events (SEEs), a phrase coined by sociologist and marketer, Dr. Morris Massey. These are “experiences so mentally arresting that they become catalysts for you to consider, examine, and possibly change your initial values or value system.”

Although numerous SEEs can happen in one’s lifetime, they typically occur only a couple of times each decade. However, between 2016 and 2022, I experienced several SEEs, including a move to a new institution and city, a couple of miscarriages, the birth of my only child, the deaths of both my parents, a workplace legal battle, my appointment as a founding leader in a department that never existed, my non-reappointment from the same department I devoted much of my time and energy to, the racial reckonings of 2020, and a global pandemic.

In Never Defeated, I wrote:

I’ve always been on the fast track, but my lifelong professional dreams seemed to be placed on the back burner. People around me who either didn’t have the obligations I did or who didn’t care about slowing down ascended to new positions and secured their bags. Women and people of color broke through glass ceilings as never before, especially in my discipline of engineering.

But I didn’t.

I felt like an unsolicited martyr. People who hadn’t ever spoken up were bold behind the Black Lives Matter and Black in X movements that highlighted STEM disciplines and racial disparities in them. The latter movement was often led by graduate students, postdocs, and junior faculty who had everything to lose for pushing against oppression. I joined them as a senior faculty member, knowing I also may be marked for resisting the establishment and placing my name and face on the Black in Engineering social justice movement.

My priorities shifted without my permission, but I knew of the two forks presented to me, I had to choose the one that uplifted the oppressed. Life became more about empowering the collective than ascending singularly in an oppressive system.

Although this focus on others sounds noble, I had a hard time accepting those changes, especially when I felt as if the seasons of my life were interrupted. It often felt like rejection and punishment.

Strategies for Overcoming Delays

What can you do if an oppressive system causes a delay in your trajectory?

• Recognize your worth isn’t dependent on holding a formal leadership position or title.
• Realize no one person controls your worth in the system.
• Acknowledge it’s okay to disconnect from professional triggers.
• Create resources and other methods to thrive outside the system.

Choosing to Rise Above

In 2020, I had a choice: divert my attention to the delays in my personal and professional life or rise above them. Overcoming workplace oppression, racial inequities, and their effects was difficult for me. Although I knew what to do theoretically, my body and mind were broken, resulting in my not advancing as quickly and strategically as I wanted.

As I often say, I’m thankful I made it out with my mind intact. This was the most hellish time of my life. I was embarrassed, sad, and angry. I’m still recovering from this grief eight years after deciding to move to my most recent organization.

Affirmation: Every shift in direction is an invitation to grow, learn, and delve deeper into my purpose.

Life is full of unexpected turns and challenges. These experiences, though painful, can lead to profound growth and understanding. Remember, delays aren’t denials; they are opportunities to reassess, realign, and reaffirm your purpose.

If you’re feeling stuck or oppressed in your current situation, know that you are not alone. Take proactive steps to recognize your worth, disconnect from negative triggers, and create your own path to success. Embrace each shift as an invitation to grow and delve deeper into your purpose.

Feel free to reach out, share your experiences, and let’s continue this conversation. Together, we are never defeated.

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