Degrees of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is like feeding the poor. We think we’re doing it for others. But, we forget how filling hungry stomachs fulfills our own hungry souls. Our souls are hungry to reach out, give and soothe others. There is an unmistakable inner glow we feel after we help someone. Similarly, we need to understand that forgiving others is first and foremost for our own bruised and broken souls. Forgiveness means to free ourselves from the agony of rage, and the maniacal desire for revenge.
No, I am not an idealist, who believes that there is no evil in the world, or that everyone is a good, kind person. Nor do I believe that forgiveness is the correct response in every situation. I believe in degrees of forgiveness, and establishing consequences when needed, instead of seeking revenge.
We cannot be revengeful and joyous at the same time. These are mutually exclusive states of mind, and we need to consciously choose one over the other.
Degrees of Forgiveness
- 1st or highest degree – This is how children forgive each other. They make up, and totally forget about what happened. There is no residue, no grudges and there is a complete reconciliation. Intimate relationships can thrive only with the highest degree of forgiveness. It usually needs a lot of empathy, understanding, genuine remorse and a commitment not to repeat the same behavior. At a lower degree of forgiveness, an intimate relationship (parent-child, spouses, siblings, friends) will start to sour, and the cracks will widen. The litmus test for 1st degree of forgiveness is not that the relationship is continuing. It may continue for multiple other reasons. The test is the quality of the relationship, indicated by trust and respect.
- 2nd degree – This is called letting go. Even if you have the power to extract revenge, you decide not to do it. You protect yourself from further harm by drawing boundaries. You don’t attack, but you act in self-defence. It could mean a complete cutoff, where there is no interaction at all, or there is interaction with boundaries. There are clear rules of engagement in the relationship – do’s and don’ts are defined. The litmus test here is the state of your mind. You are not fuming with the desire for revenge, continuously plotting ways to hurt and harm the other person. You are at peace, and investing your energy in pursuing your passions.
Are there situations which do not deserve forgiveness? An extremely difficult question, because forgiveness is lauded as a virtue in the world. To say that one is unforgiving makes one seem like a cruel, hard-hearted person. It is socially undesirable to be seen as unforgiving. Yet, there are heinous crimes committed every day that send shivers down our spine. Do we just “let go” of these? If we do that, the entire judicial system across the world will collapse, and become meaningless.
I believe the answer to this conundrum lies in differentiating between “seeking revenge” and “establishing consequences”. Again, the litmus test is the state of your mind.
When we seek revenge, our hurt and sorrow has converted into blind, unrestrained fury, which ends up burning us down. The intention is to hurt the other person, and settle scores. We are more likely to inflict a disproportional penalty on the wrong-doer - much greater than the harm he caused. We sin more in reaction, than in action, because we lose our sense of balance. We cannot see the wrong-doer as another human being, and are unable to differentiate between the sin and the sinner. We are in such severe pain, that the only thing we can offer to the world is pain. The world then amplifies the pain, and returns it to us, creating a vicious cycle which causes immense damage to us.
Establishing consequences is a more constructive way of channeling the pain and anger. The intention is not to hurt, but to right the wrong, and bring about equity. While emotions maybe heightened, yet we have not lost our sanity. To some extent, we are able to differentiate between the sin and the sinner, and see the human being behind the wrong-doer. At the same time, we recognize that a transgression has occurred, and proportional consequences must be established. In this case, the sorrow has not converted into unrestrained fury. Rather, it has transformed into righteous anger. While there maybe pain and hurt, yet a person seeking to establish consequences has come to terms with the sorrow (in some form). A person seeking revenge will mindlessly thrash about and wound himself, whereas a person seeking to establish consequences will be much less agitated, more in control of himself, and less likely to cause himself further harm.
The problem is that many of us are offended very easily, and our default reaction is seeking revenge. Revenge does not always mean cold blooded murder. Cold, sarcastic barbs, taunts and passive aggressive behaviour are our day to day weapons for extracting revenge. We create a negative, toxic environment around us, not realizing that if we give out pain, we will only receive pain in return.
A fragile self-esteem is offended very easily. We are not secure within ourselves, and we have a gnawing inner voice constantly telling us that we are not good enough. So, to protect that brittle self-esteem we need to prove ourselves better, and superior at every possible instance. Which then means that everyone else must be put down, and shown to be lesser than us. It is a sad reality, but many of us spend our entire days, years and lives shielding our poor, little self-esteem. Constantly engaging in petty battles, at the cost of pursuing our passions and dreams.
People with robust self-esteem are not offended easily. They brush off slights without getting provoked, and get on with their lives. They do not give attention to petty stuff, because in reality they are so secure in their self-worth, that it really doesn’t bother them.
If there is something offending us, it may help to pause and ascertain the other person’s intention behind the behavior. So many times we assume mal-intent, whereas the person is just being who they are. They may have no intention to hurt us. We are better off extending the benefit of doubt, and take time to understand the person in depth. Secondly, we need to give time and watch for a pattern. Intention cannot be hidden for long. If the intentions are clean, then we just practice the first degree of forgiveness.
If there is mal-intent, it will reveal itself in patterns over time. Even then, revenge is not the best strategy. We can speak to the person kindly, bring up the behavior, and explain our hurt and pain to them. Many people appreciate this empathetic honesty, and do make efforts to change themselves. If that happens, then its great, but there will be times when it won’t happen. Then, we have our second degree of forgiveness, where we create boundaries and protect ourselves from further harm, without any desire for revenge.
Finally, there are situations where consequences must be established. The transgression is severe enough, and the stakes are high. It could be our self-respect, honour or our rights. We have to pick our battles here, and some of the key questions to ask ourselves are –
1. What do I lose if I don’t establish consequences?
2. How much time, effort and other resources will I have to invest? As Thoreau said “The price of anything is the amount of life we exchange for it”. How much of your life – your dreams, hopes, and passions will you have to give up to establish consequences? There are definitely causes worthy enough to even sacrifice our lives for. But, more often we are guilty of picking up the trivial and petty, and wasting our entire lives settling scores.
3. How much power do I have to establish consequences? Sometimes, we are helpless and literally have no power to do anything about the wrong done to us. That’s when we have to surrender to the highest court of justice – the court of karma. Sometimes, karma might do a better job than us, while we conserve our energies for better things in life.
So, the next time you are offended, first think about your own self-esteem. Is that the root cause, or is the other person actually trying to hurt you? And, even if it’s the latter, there is far more scope for forgiveness than we actually practice. Let us try to think of the instances we have jumped to revenge seeking in the past, and in hindsight could we have responded better with the 1st /2nd degree of forgiveness or establishing consequences. If each of us tries to do that, we will be more effective in our lives, as well as make the world a warmer, kinder place to live in.
Gulshan Walia - I am a Human Capital consultant and coach, and my main areas of work are leadership development, coaching, behavioural skill workshops, performance management and HR processes. Here is an overview of my coaching practice. Drop me a note at [email protected] if you are interested.
View my website at www.infinitzusconsulting.com to learn more about my areas of work