Defining Your Unacceptable

When I was editor-in-chief of a large national trade publication in a traditionally male-dominated industry, I had my share of interesting encounters. One memorable occasion occurred when I met an advertiser of our magazine at a trade show who told my publisher that he didn’t trust “the girl” (me) to interview him for an upcoming story, asking for a “real” reporter to call him.

No problem. I interviewed a number of other great sources for my feature and published it the next month.

When this man received his issue the following month, he called my publisher, furious he was left out and even more furious I spoke to his competitors.

My publisher begged me to call him and make it right by promising to feature him exclusively in the next issue, arguing that “it won’t kill you to make a call to him.”

My response: “That depends upon your threshold of pain.”

Everyone has different thresholds of pain. What might seem intolerable to one person might be manageable for another. But one thing is true for everyone: identifying your "unacceptable" is essential to protecting your mental health, your relationships, and your overall well-being.

1. Demeaning Behavior - Never Again

There’s a point where you simply can’t tolerate being belittled. For me, that advertiser’s demeaning behavior became a hard line. It’s not just about the words spoken but the way they make you feel – diminished, unworthy, invisible. That’s when you know: never again.

2. Rigid vs. Chaotic Cultures

Both rigid and chaotic workplace cultures can be damaging. A rigid culture leaves no room for creativity or autonomy, while a chaotic one creates instability and stress. The key is finding frameworks that provide structure while allowing freedom to innovate. Creativity and autonomy thrive best in a balanced environment.

3. Accountability Without Authority

One of the most frustrating experiences in my career was being held accountable for results without having the authority to make necessary decisions. I couldn’t fire a toxic employee, hire vendors for support, or increase the budget. Then, to add insult to injury, I was called to account by comparing our results to that of a well-funded, largely staffed competitor. When asked why, I compared our situation to hunting buffalo with a rock. It’s a lose-lose situation and one I’ll never accept again.

4. The Psychological Toll

What happens inside eventually manifests outwardly. A toxic environment can erode your mental health, leading to physical symptoms over time. I remember becoming so disengaged with loved ones that I couldn’t get off the couch. My self-care went out the window, too. I lost a significant amount of weight, only to gain it back – all while numbing myself with bad habits like trips to 7-11 for Virginia Slims after giving up cigarettes for years. That toll is too high a price to pay.

5. Ruminating on What You Can’t Control

Bad bosses and toxic cultures have a way of taking up space in our minds. How many articles have you read with titles like Top 10 Ways to Fix a Toxic Culture. I'll save you the time - you can't. Here’s the truth: it’s not your job to fix them. Don’t take on the responsibility of trying to change what’s beyond your control. It’s not worth your energy or peace of mind.

6. Taking One Step Back to Go Five Steps Forward

Sometimes, the path to a better life requires a temporary sacrifice. Maybe it’s a pay cut, a longer commute, or even a title change. It’s important to ask yourself: does this move align with my bigger picture? Does it create space for self-care, better engagement, and long-term goals?

I’ve seen people refuse to change the most toxic of situations because the salary was less than what they make, despite the extreme toll it is taking on their health and well being. If you are sick to your stomach as you pull into the parking lot and counting the days until retirement, it's time to reconsider your options. Tomorrow is promised to no one. Staying in a toxic environment without even exploring other options is a huge disservice to yourself. While every situation is unique, the point is to evaluate honestly and weigh your options wisely.

Ultimately, only you can decide what is unacceptable in your life. Take time to reflect, ask yourself hard questions, and be honest with your answers. When you define your boundaries, you gain clarity and power to make better decisions for your future.

And no, I never called that guy. That call would have been unacceptable to me.

What’s unacceptable for you?