Defining Moments

Defining moments are not always pleasant. In fact, they can be quite the opposite, initially. What are they actually? They are points in your life that cause you to make a pivotal decision or when you experience something that changes the way you see and respond to a particular thing. Not only are these moments definitive, but they have a transformative effect on your perceptions and how you respond to the same or similar situations in the future.

Here is a moment that was quite defining for me... 

I was in a panic. The entire computer file to my new coaching program was missing. The one I had worked on for hours and hours with a mentee, someone I also considered a friend. My intent in involving him was to show how hard work could pay off. The program was ready for the finishing touches and I had some time that day to get it done.

When I went to access the file with the program, I could not find it. At first, I blamed it on my lack of non-technical skills. I truly leave a lot to be desired in that area. I spent what seemed like hours trying to find the file, but to no avail.

I had a good friend who was an IT Specialist. Certainly he would be able to locate it. Much to my dismay, that was not the case. "Gone." "Unable to find it." "Must be permanently deleted." None of these were words I wanted to hear.

What could have happened to it? How had I made such an error? Later I would find that I had not. As it turned out the mentee-friend that I trusted had removed it, claimed it as his own and tried to implement it himself. He had gone to another town and tried starting his own coaching program.

I went through so many emotions with pain, heartbreak and betrayal, but finally I saw myself just as he had seen me. A people pleaser, always trying to be someone else's savior, a validation seeker, helping others just to make myself feel good. You see, it was not just this incident, but many others before it that made my truth what it was. However, it was in this moment that a defining moment "light bulb" came on.

I made no big fuss about what had happened, even though I was hurt and angry. I just let him know I was on to him and he could do with the program whatever he pleased. I had to focus on forgiveness for him and for me.

Things did not work out well for him ultimately. He never got the program off the ground. On the other hand, I worked on building another one with enhancements from the lessons I had learned through this incident.

I later relocated geographically, and when I returned to the place the betrayer still lived, I encountered him in the hallway where we both once worked. He was going through a difficult time. A job he had taken on was not working out for him and he had been placed on a performance improvement plan. He asked if I could help him in any way.

As it always was in the past, he was not taking any responsibility for what was happening. Someone was always out to get him. "He had not received the appropriate training." "His supervisor just did not like him," were the excuses I heard that day.

I was not falling for it this time. I gave him some words of advice in passing, but I was not throwing out a rope to save him. What I would do would be to pray for him.

My days of people pleasing were over. I had forgiven him long ago, but forgiving and being at his mercy were no longer the same thing. I wished him the best, but his best would take owning his own mess, and it was very obvious that he was not yet in that place.

What would you have done in that moment? Would you have offered assistance even if someone had violated your trust? What I also learned from this incident and carry with me to this day is that someone can be in your thoughts, you can pray for them and wish them well, but their presence in your life otherwise they do not deserve. What is certain, is that if you do not define and take control of a critical point in you life, it will define and take control of you.

Life will continue to reward you with defining moments. I say reward because even if they cause immeasurable pain while going through them, these crucial times will teach you to embrace adversity and be resilient. They will afford you opportunities to learn and grow. Compartmentalize the pivotal point, allow it to become a teacher and embrace the lesson as you move on.