Define yourself by who you are, not what you do

How do you define yourself? By your achievements or who you are? Does it even matter??

Lately, people have told me I have a "calm energy." This feedback has come unsolicited from multiple sources. It's mostly positive, though some find my calmness disconcerting. I found it surprising because for much of my life, I strived to project calmness, and largely failed.?

I had a picture in my head of the person I wanted to be: unflappable, high-achieving, composed. I believed this was what others expected of me, but I felt the opposite inside. I felt insecure, anxious, and terrified of being exposed as a fraud. My self-esteem was tied to my work performance and academics, which never felt good enough. I needed to excel to feel good about myself; otherwise, my confidence plummeted.?

What is Performance-Based Identity?

People with performance-based identities tie their self-worth to external achievements. This often leads to anxiety about others' perceptions, with success measured against ever-changing benchmarks and comparison with people's accomplishments. Sound familiar??

Identity in this sense isn′t fixed or innate, this mindset develops through a combination of upbringing, education, societal norms, and role models, and is prevalent in individualistic Western countries.

Unhealthy work environments foster and thrive on this mindset, creating a sense of competition where any success is never enough. I know I′ve worked with a few of these!

When I discuss performance-based identity with coaching clients they are often surprised to learn there are other ways to view identity. Some believe valuing anything other than performance signifies weakness, someone who ′can′t hack it′, making it hard to consider their identity differently. The fear is if they aren′t focused on performance, they′ll lose their ′edge′ and ′fail′.

The cost of building your identity around performance

Research in both sports and business indicates that individuals who base their self-worth on what they achieve may be more likely to experience burnout. Whereas, people who focus on mastery (growth and learning) or define themselves by beliefs, values, purpose, fulfilment, or relationships tend to be better protected against physical and mental health issues and, ironically, perform better against their long-term goals.

Tying your self-esteem to work performance carries risks. Your confidence and anxiety levels fluctuate with recent work outcomes, leading to perpetual anxiety about possible failures, poor sleep and lower focus. Doesn′t sound like the perfect recipe for long-term success does it? Or health and happiness!

Assessments of performance, by their nature, require comparison to others, and if you look you will always find someone doing it ′better′ than you. It can keep you small - if your self-esteem is linked to performance, you′re less likely to take risks or try something new because it risks not only your performance but your self-perception.

I often see this in my clients. They feel awful one week, anxious about a meeting or project, and then elated the next after receiving positive feedback, they want to do new things or push themselves but keep holding themselves back unsure why. Clients with a strong sense of values, relationships, and hobbies are typically calmer and more focused on long-term impact rather than immediate success. Their self-worth is not contingent on external factors, leading to greater stability and a positive influence on others.

In short - judging yourself based on your achievements may be successful short-term - but not a great strategy for a long fulfilled career, and life.

Learning to identify with who you are

Unsurprisingly there isn′t one easy thing you can do to redefine yourself and your self-esteem not by your performance. Self-awareness is the most important starting point though.

1. Build self-awareness

Reflect on your beliefs around performance, maybe even write it down, and ask yourself:

• How do you respond to failure and setbacks? How would you like to?
• How do you feel about yourself when you make a mistake or something doesn’t go well?
• How do you spend your time and what do you prioritise??
• When was the last time you did something genuinely new?
• What do you consider the most important parts of yourself: your accomplishments or your character and relationships?

2. Shift your focus?

The feedback about my calm energy helped me realise I had stopped basing my self-worth so much on work performance or others' perceptions. This change wasn't due to working more hours but shifting my focus towards growth over accomplishment, personally interesting work over reward.

This is the key - focus on a life of mastery and purpose rather than high performance. But what does that mean?

• Consider the impact you want to have, the learning, for the joy, satisfaction and interest it brings rather than what you think you should be learning.
• What would you like to do - at work or personally - but have held back because of a fear of not doing it well?
• Try to focus on how you can support others rather than compete with them, or compare yourself to them.
• Emphasise what you can control - your beliefs, learning, and actions - rather than other people′s perceptions or performance. This reduces the stress of comparison, as performance is variable, while the pursuit of mastery is a constant.

Fundamentally - Identify and prioritise the work, learning, activities and relationships that bring joy, growth and connection.

3. Get support

This isn′t easy to do, it takes small steps and time and you′re far more likely to make progress with support.

• Talk to your family and friends. So many people reach a point when they realise their career has become their dominant driver and it is not bringing them the satisfaction it used to, so they start asking ′is this it?′ You might be surprised by how many of them can relate.
• Look for mentors and role models who you think might be able to offer new perspectives.
• You can also seek professional help in the form of a coach or therapist.

It’s not inherently bad to have a performance-based identity, it may enable you to reach incredible goals, but consider the impact. If you feel trapped by the constant need to perform, are experiencing symptoms of burnout or exhaustion, or find it hard to experience joy outside of your accomplishments then it might be time to reevaluate and focus more holistically on growth rather than performance.?

This doesn′t mean losing your drive - it means finding the mental space, energy and freedom to succeed on your terms without the anxiety or potential burnout.

If this resonates, I′d love to hear from you.

References & Resources

Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392-414. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.130.3.392

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268. DOI: 10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01

Gervais, M. (2023). The first rule of mastery: Stop worrying about what people think of you. HarperCollins. (Book)

Gustafsson, H., Martinent, G., Isoard-Gautheur, S., Hassmén, P., & Guillet-Descas, E. (2018). Performance-based self-esteem and athlete-identity in athlete burnout: A person-centered approach. *Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 38*, 56-60. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2018.05.017

Morris, B. (2022, October 5). How to reframe a performance-oriented identity. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/vitalogy/202210/how-to-reframe-performance-oriented-identity

Rosette, A. S., & Livingston, R. W. (2012). Failure is not an option for Black women: Effects of organizational performance on leaders with single versus dual-subordinate identities. *Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 48*(5), 1162-1167. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2012.05.002

Stoeber, J., & Eismann, U. (2007). Perfectionism in young musicians: Relations with motivation, effort, achievement, and distress. *Personality and Individual Differences, 43*(8), 2182-2192. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2007.06.036

Van Yperen, N. W., & Janssen, O. (2002). Fatigued and dissatisfied or fatigued but satisfied? Goal orientations and responses to high job demands. *Academy of Management Journal, 45*(6), 1161-1171. https://doi.org/10.5465/3069431

Walker, B. W., & Caprar, D. V. (2020). When performance gets personal: Towards a theory of performance-based identity. *Human Relations, 73*(8), 1077-1105. https://doi.org/10.1177/0018726719851835