Define Your Own Success and Give It A Go!

“The teacher called me a cabbage,” the speaker said. She was a member of the Toastmaster club I went to. In a speech, she talked about her schooling experience in a city down south in New Zealand where she grew up. The teacher called her a cabbage in class. That incident happened probably 50 years ago, but she can't forget about it. In the speech, this lady reflected on how she broke out of the 'box' that the teacher assigned to her and went on with her education journey. She succeeded. She got a Doctorate. But that's not the end, she got a Master in another area after the Doctorate. She joked about she might have a tendency of collecting qualifications. I can't help but wondering if that little girl in her was still trying to prove herself to that teacher who called her a cabbage.

"Your daughter is too good for her two best friends. She shouldn't be walking home with them every day. It's a waste of her time." That was what the teacher told my parents when I was in Year 6, in a northern city in China where I grew up. I was this teacher's favourite, the model student, the one who was asked to read her Chinese essays in class and was compared to other students' 'failure' writings. I wanted the teacher's approval so badly, I listened to her advice. I ditched my best friends, set myself on to this lonely journey of getting into that prestigious middle school she always told us to aim for. I succeeded. I got into that school. Even so I never got a word of praise from her. After I started middle school, I went back to my primary school to visit her on World Teachers' Day, wearing the school uniform proudly. A classmate went with me. The teacher showcased the classmate and me in front of her new class. "See, this is the one who got into that famous middle school," she pointed at me. "And this is the one whose parents spent an extra 9,900 RMB to get him into it," she pointed at my classmate. We were trophies, owned by her. One was perfect. The other was with a bit of flaw. I never went back to visit her. I stopped writing for almost 30 years. Till today, I still feel hurt when I think about it.

Two stories about success. Two stories about trauma. The commonality in these two stories was that a 'possible self' was prescribed to the child by an adult whom they admired. A cabbage in the first story. A trophy in the second. Then the child spent her whole life fighting with or looking for this 'possible self' until one day realising what she had been doing.

The 'possible self' is a powerful word. It entails hope, light, glory, shame, fear, and darkness.

I was introduced to this concept of 'possible selves' by a scholar last week. She showed me the pre-arrival programme that she designed for international students and kindly sent me the slides with the literature reference of the concept of 'possible selves'. I was enlightened.

In Hazel Markus and Paula Nurius' 1986 article "Possible Selves", the authors coined the concept of 'possible selves' as "the cognitive manifestation of enduring goals, aspirations, motives, fears, and threats", which include who we want to become, who we could become, and who we are afraid of becoming. ‘Possible selves’ can "function as incentives for future behavior", as we may take certain actions to approach the future self that we want to become, or take certain actions to avoid becoming the kind of person we're afraid of becoming (Markus & Nurius, 1986). 'Possible selves' can also function as "an evaluative and interpretive context for the current view of self", for example a B in Chemistry received by a student who aspires to getting into First Year Health Science could be a disaster for them whereas the same result might look less problematic for another student who doesn't have such a goal (Markus & Nurius, 1986).

Thinking about our young people, how they imagine who they will become, how they adjust and re-imagine who they want to become if the previous version of the self does not suit anymore, how they evaluate who they are now and how well or bad they are doing in this changing imagination. It's confusing and overwhelming! Then imagine you put this young people in a foreign country, in a class with peers who speak a different language, listen to different songs, eat different snacks, and in a home with new family members who cook differently, make their beds differently, and take showers at a different time. I'd say, that's a lot~

Therefore, I designed this tool in my orientation programme for teenage international students. I call it 'Petals of My Little World ? Lin Zhang 2023'.

In this activity worksheet, you have two flowers. At the centre of one flower, it resides the 'Possible Selves'. At the centre of the other flower, it resides the 'Current Selves'. At the centre of the 'Possible Selves', students could put on little flags made of toothpicks and post-its, writing about who they want to become, who they are afraid of becoming, or a version of themselves that they want to regain. At the centre of the 'Current Selves', with the same approach, they could write about how they consider themselves at the moment. For example, "I feel I am not good at studying anymore." Or "I love food."

Then we move on to the petals. These petals are moveable little bits. Some petals are 'My Little Success', on which students could write down things that they feel they've achieved successfully. These successes could be big achievements or little things. It could be "I helped me team win the netball game last week. Yeah!" It could be "I made myself some comfort food last night and it was yummy." The rest of the petals are "Things Bothering Me", on which students could write down things that they feel unhappy about. Still, could be big or small. For example, "I put on/lost some weight recently which I don't want to." Or "My mind went blank in a presentation. It was so embarrassing!"

Last step, let the students move the petals around the two flowers and see how they feel about it. One goal of doing this is to provide the students with two perspectives for evaluating their current performance. For example, I have a petal of 'Things Bothering Me' on which I wrote "I ate up a whole pack of potato chips last night. Gosh!". When I put the petal around the 'Current Selves' and see there's a flag "I love food", then I might think "Ha, that's not too bad. Loving food is part of who I am". Then when I put the petal around the "Possible Selves" and see there's a flag "I want to become fit", then maybe I'll decide to have a quarter of that bag of chips next time?

The other goal of moving the petals around the two flowers is to help the students come up with their ideas of 'Possible Selves' and define their own success. For example, I want to become a doctor. Therefore, I must get into Medical School. Then I must get into First Year Health Science. Then I must get a good mark in Biology in NCEA Level 2. Then I must get a A+ in this external assessment. I have no other choices. If I fail this assessment, that will be the end of the world!! I've heard of this chain of anxiety kind of logic from students before. But is that true? If this student could accumulate these petals of 'My Little Success' on the way, they'll see, it's not a one-ring-to-rule-them-all scenario. There could be more than one flag at the centre of the 'Possible Selves'. They might find that besides becoming a doctor, they also have the potential of becoming a social scientist or a chef, as long as they allow themselves to see it.

Also, there are creative ways of using this worksheet 'Petals of My Little Worlds ? Lin Zhang 2023'. You could make a 3D version of it using paper plates and small yogurt containers. You could make it into a board game and let the students design rules and tokens. You could also allow the students to express their ideas through writing stories or poems, drawing, photo collage, making music or making videos, etc.

I hope this tool can help our young people see more potential in themselves, accept themselves more, define their own success and give it a go!

Reference:

Markus, H. & Nurius, P. (1986) Possible selves. American psychologist. 41 (9), 954.

#StoryMatters

#HappinessAndSuccess