In Defense of Women

It was 1996. I was a freshman in high school playing on the varsity basketball team. We had just won a come-from-behind victory that would make the Patriots proud (so we thought). In the locker room, after the cheers and adrenaline faded, one of my teammates asked, “Hey, did you guys see the blonde on their dance team?” Everyone had seen her. You can imagine the ensuing conversation. As the comments spiraled to new depths of vulgarity one of the guys spoke up. He was a typically quiet teammate, but when he spoke the team listened.

With a humble and firm disposition he said, “Guys, I don’t know her…but she’s more than T&A. She’s a person. Show some respect.” He zipped his gym bag, grabbed his letterman jacket and walked out. “See you on the bus,” he quipped as he left the locker room. A weighty and quiet awkwardness held the room until a sharp cracking sound broke the silence. It was a familiar sound for locker rooms - a threadbare towel popping the exposed back of someone standing at a urinal. The victim released an expletive-laced cry as unsympathetic laughs swept over the room. The banter and celebration continued, and nobody mentioned the “blonde from their dance team” again.

Fast-forward to December, 2016. I was attending a holiday party hosted by a national vendor. Standing with a group of guys, we exchanged the standard pleasantries – “Where do you work?” “What do you do?” “How long have you been there?” Then, it happened…it always happens. One of the guys asked, “Hey, did you guys see the blonde from the other vendor.” Most of the other men chimed in. Flashbacks filled my mind from the 1996 locker room. I wanted my high school teammate to step forward and say it again, “She’s a person. Show some respect.” Damn, I guess it’s on me.

Before I could say anything one of the guys asked, “JP, why are you so quiet? You saw her, right?” Like a deer in the headlights I froze with ten thousand thoughts racing in my mind. I muddled something like, “Uh...guys, I have a 3 yr. old daughter...One day, umm, she’ll grow up…when that happens I don’t want her to be ‘the blonde from the other vendor.’ I want her to be respected, I don’t know, as a person and a professional.” The group got quiet. I hoped for the sound of a towel popping someone’s back to break the awkward tension. It never happened. 

You may be thinking, “C’mon, JP, boys will be boys. You can’t deny natural thoughts when guys see attractive women in the workplace.” You’re right. Boys will be boys. I write these words to urge those boys to be men. Please, don’t hear a self-righteous, holier-than-thou rant about pretending you don’t notice beauty. The issue is not that we notice beauty. The issue is responding to beauty in a way that objectifies women and elevates physical appearance over personhood and professional value and potential. 

Every time a group of boys circle the wagons to ogle the curves of a co-worker they perpetuate an age-old bias, "Your value is your beauty." We subjugate our female co-workers to an unfair bias that limits (or at least hinders) merit-based career development. To be fair, so-called "beauty bias" is not limited to women. Research proves that physically attractive people (men and women) have higher incomes, are more favorable in job interviews and more likely to advance in their career. Heck, pretty criminals even get less-severe prison sentences. The same studies, however, also indicate that women are subjected to significantly higher rates of critique and professional discrimination based on their appearance. 

The purpose of this post is not to lay out a sweeping solution to appearance-based discrimination. I simply want to speak into the ubiquitous locker room conversations that continue in workplaces around the world and say, “She’s a person. Show some respect.” Here are four ways to fight against the objectification of women in your workplace. 

One: Rise above.

I’ll say it again. This is not a self-righteous, holier-than-thou rant against noticing attractive people. When an attractive person enters the room we all take notice. My challenge is for people, men in particular, to rise above their base instincts. We don’t have to devolve immediately into drooling middle school boys. Nobody is forcing us to denigrate other professionals by reducing them to the sum total of their physical attributes. Rise above the weak-willed tendency to follow the herd so you can fit in with the boys. Take a stand for the dignity of her personhood, the merit of her accomplishments and the value of her work.

Admit it or not, every time we engage in workplace “locker room” chats we are socializing a behavior. We are normalizing the unspoken belief that men advance through merit and women must advance through merit and their looks. We must rise above this tendency and stand with and for our co-workers.

Two: Say something.

I get it. Nobody wants to be the guy that says, “C’mon respect her.” We’re terrified of the social ostracism that may accompany quieting the wolves while on the prowl. We fear the stigma that often comes with calling out a co-worker. You’ll never rise above the status quo without also taking action. It’s that cringe-inducing step of saying, “Guys, respect her,” that evolves boys into men. Consider it a rite of passage. You don’t have to be a jerk. Nor must your words drip with self-righteousness, but have the courage to speak. 

Three: Walk away.

Sometimes the timing or the context does not allow you to speak up. At other times, you’re still working up the courage to speak. In those moments, when you don’t speak up, at least walk away from the conversation. Choose not to be part of the circle. Choose not to include yourself in the machinery that perpetuates a cycle of objectification and dehumanizing other people. You may be thinking, “That’s extreme language. Talking about attractive women at work doesn’t hurt anyone.” I wish you were right, but you are not.

We have built a culture with an ever-increasing pressure to conform to idealized beauty.

By age 10, 70% of girls have tried dieting to achieve a more desirable figure. Sixty-six percent of underweight girls say they are too fat.

In The Beautiful Myth, Naomi Wolf writes, “What little girls learn is not the desire for the other, but the desire to be desired.” To be desired is only attainable, so our culture says, by those women who meet the pervasive beauty code. “Innocent” locker room chats at work feed into this culture of idealized beauty.

When we join in these conversations at work we add to the atmospheric pressure that says, “Your value is your beauty and your beauty is your value.” Again, as Wolf writes,

The Victorian woman became her ovaries, as today’s woman has become her "beauty."

While you may not change the world, every time you disengage from a conversation devoted to the objectification of women you will deprive the system of power.

Four: Know your bias and fight it.

People will always be people and we’ll always have biases. People will also be innately sexual beings. You can’t turn that feature of humanity off when you enter the office. Nobody is asking you to. We must, however, find ways to understand our biases and how they shade our judgment and perceptions of other people. This is especially true if people are being inadvertently harmed by our biases. 

As stated previously, "beauty bias" is not limited to women. Nor is “locker room” talk a male-only act. Research, however, overwhelmingly supports the notion that women are disproportionately harmed by our “beautiful myth” culture. Seventy-three percent of women believe their physical appearance is important to career advancement. Jessica Bennet writes in Newsweek, “Women will always face a double bind, expected to conform to the beauty standards of the day, yet simultaneously condemned for doing so.” Bennet continues: 

Yet while the outside-work milieu might accept the empowered yet feminine ideal, the workplace surely doesn’t. Studies show that unattractive women remain at a disadvantage in low-level positions like secretary, while in upper-level fields that are historically male-dominated, good-looking women can suffer a so-called bimbo effect. They are viewed as too feminine, less intelligent, and, ultimately, less competent—not only by men but also by their female peers.

Choosing to understand our bias and fight against it does not solve the problem entirely, but it removes some of the lion’s teeth.

One day, my daughters will likely join the workforce. If they’re anything like my wife, they’ll be physically beautiful women. That’s not a bad thing. Still, I hope they will be seen as more than physically attractive women. When men in their office are tempted to start up a locker room chat I hope someone will rise above the norm. I hope someone will say, “C’mon guys. They’re people. Show some respect.”