Defense mechanism & my ‘Survivors guilt’

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The past few weeks have been remarkable in so many ways for a lot of Bangladeshi people including myself. I fell seriously ill on 12th July requiring an urgent hospital emergency visit that night at 2:30 am. ?For the next 2 days, I was pretty much unconscious due to the injection I was given and medications I was taking. I also had to start a course of antibiotics. My brother along with another junior came from his place that night. Two other juniors also came from Fazle Rabbi Hall at that hour of night. I am immensely grateful to all of them for their help and kindness. My brother stayed with me from then up until a few days earlier. He took great care of me. ?

The country's political situation had been deteriorating by that time. I don’t have a day-to-day account of what we were going through but what I remember is?the extreme fear and uncertainty we were in. The Internet shutdown was something that affected almost all aspects of our society. Witnessing the atrocities going through, the suffocating feelings of not being able to say something or even utter their names?or do much, the excruciating video of Abu Sayeed being shot dead haunted myself and many close people I know. Death of Abrar Fahad (student of BUET killed for just posting a status on FB) was something that stays with me. Now the video of Abu Sayeed being killed is something that is etched in my mind forever. The fear of being targeted just for being young or even sharing something on social media was palpable. ?

My initial reaction was to ignore all the noise and go back to my psychological cocoon to preserve myself. It was the go-to method that kept me alive for the past few years while staying in hall and staying away from family. I somehow subconsciously considered my life more valuable than other people. My philosophy was ‘choosing my battle’ so that I stay alive and later might be able to help other people. That may be a cowardly way of living but somehow that’s what kept us alive. But the psychological trauma we were going through was indescribable. ?

When we start studying psychology, we study a bit about defense mechanisms. Even from that little knowledge, I can say that what I was going through was ‘denial’. I resorted to this like many others for self-preservation. Social media was mostly unavailable due to govt.-imposed ban/block but even for the little time when it was available via VPN I couldn't master my courage to log into FB. The thought of getting onto Facebook and seeing all those atrocious videos or news of people suffering made my heart pound faster than I could have ever imagined. The phobia of getting bombarded with all that unfiltered information of human suffering haunted me until yesterday. It was a conflicting feeling. The utter inability to not do something substantial coupled with the fear response haunted me for the past few weeks. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but follow all the events via news media websites and YouTube when available. ?

Calling near ones to get some information about what's happening all around the country, cooking & going to hospital/office everything is kind of blurry now. I was?trying to detach the emotional aspect of the whole experience from how it was unfolding before us. We occasionally texted and called (even cell reception was extremely bad during voice call) our close ones to stay updated about whether they were alive and safe, whether something bad happened, whether they had enough stock of daily necessities during curfew to sustain themselves, whether they had enough credit of electricity?etc. At some point it felt like the country is heading towards a civil war. The whole experience reminded me and a lot of likeminded people about what we read regarding the time?of our liberation movement in 1971. People equated the police checking of public’s phone with Pakistani Army checking someone's genitalia to confirm whether he is Muslim or not in 1971. ?

Our friends who are staying abroad tried a lot to keep in touch with us. They protested abroad, pressured their local representatives to speak up for Bangladesh and even stopped sending remittance to put pressure. ??Some were worried for my safety due to my social media silence. I am very grateful to them for their care and empathy. ?

Even on 6th August at 12 am, I couldn’t imagine that I would see a day like today or the days after 6th onwards. Every moment feels surreal. Students controlling traffic feels surreal, brings tears in my eyes. I am feeling emotions I never thought I would be able to feel in Bangladesh. ?

I feel guilty for not doing enough and staying alive but at the same time, I feel proud. Extremely proud of my fellow countrymen, young people, old people, students, rickshaw pullers, vegetable vendors everyone. No matter what history says, or any conspiracy theory says 5, 10 or 20 years later, July revolution will always be a mass uprising for me for I have witnessed it with my own eyes. People from all walks of life participated in their own capacity and did their bits. ?

I am saddened but my heart is full of love. Thank you everyone for bringing us today. ?

Let’s hope for a better tomorrow that includes everyone in our society. ?