In Defense of Doubt

I'm a self-doubter, y'all.

For a long time, I've been frustrated with my wishy-washy-ness, my inability to make a clear decision and stick to it, and my seemingly all-pervasive self doubt. You know that kind, that voice in our heads that says that what we just said was dumb, or that asks if we're really sure about the relationship choice we just made. Or the outfit we put on. Or the project we just completed. It can feel all-encompassing, and can really hold us back from confidence and a sense of purpose in the world.

I've been running Inner Critic workshops to try to shift our relationship to self doubt, to quiet that voice and get a little space from it. That has made a big shift in my life. And yet the doubt persists.

Today, I found a new way of seeing it: what if the ability to doubt is actually a gift.?

For me this gift comes in part from my Jewish ancestors.. Judaism is built around questions,?which stem from a sense of doubting the truth of what has already been said. The commentary on the Torah, the Talmud, is at its core the Rabbis working through their doubt of the written word, all the questions that come up, and the questioning of the truth of the answers to the initial questions, and then questioning that. In some ways it's the same work of judges and the Supreme Court in the US (*we hope) - searching through truth with a healthy sense of doubt to find new learning, new interpretations, new ways of being. So doubt can create learning, if it's done with agency. (Agency being mindful self-empowerment)

Doubt also helps us survive. Jews also survived in a world of pogroms and Holocaust in part by doubting their circumstances: can we really trust this neighbor? Are we really safe here? Women too, constantly have healthy doubt that keeps us alive - walking down the street at night, for example. Doubt is sometimes a sense of heightened awareness that all may not be as it seems.?I don't know the experience of being BIPOC in America, but I imagine there's a huge amount of doubt, both on an individual safety level, and also on a systemic level -- for example, a learned sense of doubt that what White people say is not to be believed (because often it's not, or is well-deserving of doubt by all of us because it stems from a system that tells some humans our lives are worth more than others). So we learn to doubt to survive in an oppressive world.

And, on the systemic level, doubt is hugely important. We shouldn't trust a system that makes some wealthy beyond belief and others struggle to get enough calories in a day, or to have heat to keep them warm. We should have a lot of doubt about structures and practices that tell us that the color of our skin determines how essentially 'human' we are and how much our life matters. We need to doubt these things in order to change them. In fact, doubt of this kind keeps us sane in a crazy world, and is the first step towards systemic change. Maybe doubt?+ creative vision (+ community + action) = systems change.

So doubt in and of itself isn't the problem. Doubt with agency can create, anything from simple safety to powerful change. But so often, we let doubt remove our agency. We turn doubt inwards against ourselves, making ourselves - rather than the systems - the problem, and undermine our own ability to make change. When we doubt our own creative visions, or our connection to community, or our actions, we take away our power to change, or create what we want in the world. But what if we separated doubt and our sense of our own power? What if doubt is pointing to something other than our own worthlessness, but we've been misinterpreting it??

What would an agentic doubt look like?

- Doubting the choices I've made --> shows me what's actually important to me, and what I value.

- Doubting what I've said --> knowing that there are other perspectives too.

- Doubting my abilities --> humility that there's more to learn.

- Doubting my worth --> OK I can't actually see how this is useful, but if we can turn it outwards to doubt the systems that told me "I was worthless if __" in the first place, maybe there's something redemptive there.

So for all of us doubters out there, let's not "should" ourselves into being certain, or having to know the answers all the time. Let's use our ability to doubt, and notice what is happening when it arises. How might we seize that doubt and use it productively? In other words, how might we doubt the doubt, and use our superpower to find even deeper truths than the ones our critics pop into our heads?

If you'd like to join me in meeting our inner critics and transforming some of the self-doubt, register for my free workshops here: www.lovethatmess.com/events

And I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Please, share your doubt!