Defeated Awareness

I grew up less than close to my mother's father, my Grandpa Mike. I saw him occasionally on holidays and birthdays. I was especially surprised to see him at my high school graduation, but was not surprised when he did not attend my college graduation. It was unfortunate, but there was always a distance between us. I was his first born granddaughter, which usually helps to create a special bond, but there was always something missing there. I always assumed he just didn't really know what to do to entertain a small granddaughter, even though I have always loved to fish and pretty much anything that the outdoors has to offer. He did always manage to show up with a big jar of pickles, which never failed to make my day as a child. I was extremely close to my father's dad, my Grandpa Jim, but just never managed to break through my Grandpa Mike's walls.

My Grandpa Mike lost his wife in a car accident when my mother was only 6 years old. After this, his life was mainly focused on work and in the evenings, alcohol. He eventually was married again, and after this, my mother was less than close to him from this point as well. My mother moved in with her family in Illinois and found out she was pregnant with me at the tender age of 18. Once I was born, my mom and her father tried to work on their relationship, but it never really "stuck". Life went on and we all had our own experiences, difficulties and hardships, unfortunately, we never really made sure we were there for one another. I always had my Grandpa Jim to go to with my troubles, and my Grandpa Mike had his wife and other grandkids he went to-or so I thought.

In April of 2018, I picked up a phone call from my mother in a frantic voice, telling me that her father, my Grandpa Mike had just taken his own life in his yard, beside his pond. My head immediately began to spin and I couldn't see what was in front of me, panic had set in. So many questions were racing through my mind. Why did this happen? Why didn't he let anyone know he was hurting? What had caused him to get to this point? I just couldn't wrap my head around this. My grandpa was a week away from turning 70 when he took his own life. Impossible it seemed, just impossible. I had always thought of my Grandpa Mike as being a strong person, who seemed to have it all together. Obviously, I was wrong.

I jumped on his Facebook page to see if maybe I had missed a sign, maybe he was reaching out and I didn't see it? His last post was early that morning, thanking our veterans for their service and relating with their emotional issues many of them face. Had I missed this all along? Maybe by him being silent and never interacting, was that his way of letting us know he was hurting? There are so many things I wish I would have done differently, so many conversations I wish I would have had with him. Maybe if I would have reached out and let him know that I needed that support from him and that he had mine, we could have created a bond of support for one another. I wished I would have sent him a message and asked how he was doing, invited him over for a cook out or just told him I loved him. Instead, the next time I saw my grandpa, he was being lifted into an ambulance and taken away for good.

I am aware that I cannot change how things happened and I may never know why this happened, but I do know now that he was obviously hurting, feeling lost. I know that I should have at least tried to reach out, let him know he was not alone. Although I can't bring him back, I would like to think that maybe my story can help keep someone else here and bring them back from the edge. Suicide awareness is more than just a cause, it really is a matter of life or death. Most of us go about our busy day and don't really give it much thought, but that has changed for me. It is on my mind every single day I wake up and at night before I fall asleep. I encourage everyone to give it some thought throughout your day as well, be aware of the warning signs of someone hurting and please don't hesitate to reach out like I did. It really can make a difference and you might just save a life.

I thank you all for taking the time to read my story and I hope it encourages you to reach out to those in need, especially our veterans, like my grandpa was, and active service members. Every life lost is one too many.

National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255