“Defeat Myself”

All along, when I wanted something, I would do everything in my power to get it. For the things I wanted to do and the results I desired, I believed that no one could stop me. The feeling of having control over my own autonomy was fantastic, as if I could rule everything in my life.

So, when someone said, “surrender to the universe,” it was hard for me to understand and even harder to do. The idea of “letting go to gain more” brought a lot of resistance and conflict within me. But as one grows older and gains more experiences, you begin to realize that “letting go to gain more” is indeed true.

More than one person has told me, “Your shoulders are tense, you’re holding onto too much, making it hard on yourself. You need to learn to let go.” When I think about it, many times, I am the one chaining myself to all the identities and expectations, trying to meet what I think others expect of me, often neglecting my own expectations for myself.

Others’ opinions matter more to me than my own.

My accountability to others is greater than my accountability to myself.

I want to present the most perfect version of myself that others can see.

If I have any weaknesses, I try my best to hide them (and so I have many secrets).

Now, if I step outside myself and look at me from a bird’s-eye view, it’s no surprise that trying so hard to please others is exhausting.

Are the things I want to do and the results I want truly what I want? Or am I just trying to prove to others that I can control my own life? No matter how much I achieve for others to see, in the end, my inner self still feels empty.

Many times, when I don’t expect any results, good things happen unexpectedly, followed by a new wave of challenges.

Out of boredom, I once posted a few singing videos on DouYin—simply because I enjoyed singing and thought I sang well, without caring how many views they got. Then, one or two videos gained a lot of views, and the demon inside me emerged, pushing me to post more to see if I could get even more views. I then fell into the vicious cycle of “posting videos just for views,” even forcing myself to sing more and more until it was almost perfect before posting. Wasn’t this just making myself more exhausted, gradually wearing away the original joy I had?

So now, the intention I want to set is to defeat the part of me that strives to meet others’ expectations, and become someone who seeks to fulfill my own.

To return to simplicity, to return to joy, to return to my original intention—I want to make myself happier and more aligned with my inner self.