Deepening Questions

Moving from strangers to friends may only be one question away. These “36 questions” help us get to know anyone?, to strengthen existing relationships and build team cohesiveness.

Time Required

45 minutes?each time you do this practice.?

How to Do It

1. Identify someone with whom you’d like to become closer. It could be someone you know well or someone you’re just getting to know. Although this exercise has a reputation for making people fall in love, it is actually useful for anyone you want to feel close to, including family members, friends, and acquaintances. Before trying it, make sure both you and your partner are comfortable with sharing personal thoughts and feelings with each other.
2. Find a time when you and your partner have at least 45 minutes free and are able to meet in person.
3. For 15 minutes, take turns asking one another the questions in Set I below. Each person should answer each question, but in an alternating order, so that a different person goes first each time.?
4. After 15 minutes, move on to Set II, even if you haven’t yet finished the Set I questions. Then spend 15 minutes on Set II, following the same system.?
5. After 15 minutes on Set II, spend 15 minutes on Set III. (Note: Each set of questions is designed to be deeper than the previous set. The 15-minute periods ensure that you spend an equivalent amount of time at each level of self-disclosure).

The Questions

[ SET I ]

1. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
2. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
3. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
4. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
5. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
6. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
7. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
9. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
10. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
11. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
12. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

[ SET II ]

1. What do you value most in a friendship?
2. What is your most terrible memory?
3. What does friendship mean to you?
4. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
5. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
6. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
7. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
8. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
9. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
10. What is your most treasured memory?
11. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
12. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?

[ SET III ]

1. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
2. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
3. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
4. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
5. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how they might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
6. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
7. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
8. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
9. Tell your partner something that you like about them [already].
10. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
11. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for them to know.
12. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

Based on the research of Arthur Aron Ph.D. and Elaine Aron Ph.D.