Deep Secrets and the Wounded Child

Each of us has experienced vulnerable feelings of hurt, sadness, or fear?in our adult lives. Sometimes it comes about unexpectedly, catching us off-guard, and sending us into a tumultuous pitfall of emotional pain and disorderly thoughts. While it is custom to point the finger at external sources for our stress or suffering, the origin is more likely from a deep-seated wound we have buried beneath the surface of our awareness.

Research shows that the body holds onto emotional and physical pain at a cellular level, and it has the capacity to resurface at any time. For those who have gone through serious trauma (e.g. abuse or neglect from those meant to express love and compassion), the biological response can be devastating. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote in his book Reconciliation?that each of us has a young, suffering child inside of us that works to protect us from future suffering. This imagery helps us understand how the brain is structured to keep us safe; when it fails to keep us from danger in early childhood, protective walls are built with unconscious mechanisms in hopes of not failing?again.

Failing is an Illusion

This notion of failure and/or re-entering a child-like circumstance of suffering is an illusion--an illusion that may materialize through our incessant attempt to avoid it! We have the capacity to create the very horrors we desperately want to avoid by allowing our unconscious mind to remain in control. When we refuse to face the inner child, we also refuse to take control away from our programmed, biological impulses.

Spending time with the wounded child is difficult. In fact, many of us will do anything in our power to ignore the sorrowful voice in our heads. We will watch television and movies, socialize, or turn to substance use to escape the painful memories, fearful that remembering them will force us to relive the suffering. Somewhere we adopted this idea that we should not/could not talk about our experiences or the negative emotions attached to them. Along the way, we were taught that our personal suffering was a deep secret we were not allowed to share. We were told that these experiences, these feelings, and this suffering made us weak. Our suffering was dressed in shame, guilt, and fear, and we came to believe that we were wicked or dishonorable for revealing our true selves or telling our stories. This, too, was an illusion.

Secrets Define Us

The laws of our life that we follow were passed down to us by our guardians, whether it be our parents, grandparents, or other influential adult figures in our life. To be honest, most of these individuals never faced their inner child either and they passed the part of them that was wounded down to you. In therapeutic environments, we would call this intergenerational or transgenerational trauma. We are told that family is love, even when family harms us psychologically and emotionally. We are given explicit instructions on who we are, how we are to behave and think, who is trustworthy, and so forth. This does not discriminate on race, ethnicity, gender, socio-economic class, or any other factor.

At an early age, many of us are taught what is socially acceptable and what is frowned upon, especially in regard to what is safe to speak about within the family and what we do not tell the outside world. The framework for secret-keeping is well established to the point that we begin to do this to ourselves, hiding key information from our awareness so we no longer want to face the truths we understand at our core. No matter how loudly our wounded child will cry for us to heal them; we will continue to tell ourselves that we are fine and there is nothing to worry about.

Secrets are not simply psychologically daunting, but research has shown us that keeping a secret is also bad for your emotional health. The orbital prefrontal cortex is hardwired to tell the truth. When we make efforts to hide the truth, the brain compensates by putting additional pressure on the cingulate cortex. This leads to anxiety, fear, and an increase in stress hormones.

Speak to Your Wounded Child

Without a doubt, honesty is a great policy for connecting with your inner child and hearing the sorrow, pain, and suffering it has yet to process. Though, having a strong dose of mindfulness in this process is key to staying grounded while exploring the events that led to the wounded child's creation. We must remain aware of the difference between the past and the present, preventing ourselves from being swept away by an ocean of negative emotions and memories.

Visualization, meditation, or writing a letter to your younger self are great ways to begin responding to a wounded child. Reflect on what you would tell yourself to demonstrate compassion, and understanding, or to create an environment of comfort. Think about how you might respond if you were providing an empathic ear or reassuring voice to a friend or family member. How might you replicate the same response to yourself??Tenderness will allow space for healing and, afterward, you will find yourself enlivened with the power and confidence you may have forgotten.