Dedicated to all mums/parents who still find it difficult to put themselves first!

I dedicate this post to all the mothers who fear putting themselves first! originally I wanted to make it a quick post to celebrate my daughter's graduation but I think I hit a hot button and it all came pouring down and the writer in me decided to put every other thing on hold to receive and write it down because I figured it may just be what one of your out there need right now to liberate your self and your kids too.

I seldom post about my private life and even less about my kids, but this time my daughter (my big boss) permitted me to do so. So I share a proud sense of motherhood in celebration of my daughter with infinite gratitude. If you are a mum/parent who always feels terrible or guilty each time you think about putting yourself first, what I am about to share could inspire you to let go or rethink of some fo your parenting challenges!?Happy reading!

There are moments when life forces us to make some radical decisions that, on the surface, may seem bad for our kids and us. Especially when such decisions demand that we let go of our most precious gift in life (our children) because we have this urgent need to find ourselves, and we know that until we do, we will neither be at peace with ourselves nor be a good mum/parent. I knew I had outgrown my environment when shit happened in 2014 (check out my spontaneous Tedtalk ). Back then, I badly needed a complete change in my physical environment if I wanted to unleash and grow the version of me that was craving my attention which was responsible for everything crumbling down in my life. It was equally clear to me that I would become a very cynical and lousy mum if I continued to suppress that version of me that was no longer ready to be buried. I knew the environment I was in was not and would never be prepared for this version of me. Even though I honestly did not know why things were sh*t was happening to me, of all people, I knew it was time for me to pay attention to it.??Paying attention to it meant I had to make radical, unconventional, and crazy decisions that would take me out of Europe entirely and send me back to Africa. It was also clear that we would have to give away most of the things they loved and were familiar with. It was also quickly apparent that I would not be able to go with my kids. (Looking back, I am thankful I did not take them with me today.)??

(The last photo my kids and I took in our apartment before we let it go)?

Back then, I knew that many people close to me would judge and criticise me for the decisions I was about to make and that some of them would call me all sorts of names - and they did. Some even questioned my sanity. All I knew (which they did not or choose not to understand) was that I badly needed a complete change of environment from the city and country that I had come to call home for 20 years (which was the only home that my kids knew of all of their lives) if I wanted to find myself, grow into a better me, and become a good mum and an example my kids could look up to when they face their own challenges.

After some tough, transparent and heartfelt conversations with my kids and their dad and (terrible) stepmother, I took my two suitcases and left behind me Vienna and Austria, the city and country that had been home for me for the past 20 years and them for their entire lives be. We had to give up everything they were familiar with, including our home and some of their belongings.?

Oh, one more resolution I made was to not judge anyone for pinion of me, learn how to love and parent my kids from a distance without regrets, and find myself and open up to the totality of possibilities and opportunities. As long as my kids understood me (and they let me know that they did, even though the separation was painful for all of us), I chose to allow the world to judge me as I packed my two suitcases and left with just €1800 in my pocket with a visiting permit, no work contract, no bank account, no insurance, no credit card, but with the firm determination to make it in Africa and never to return to leave in Europe or any western country come what may.

(My son and my daughter today, all grown up and doing their thing)

At that time, my daughter was barely 12 then, and her brother was 14. Just a few months before, he had been diagnosed with diabetes type 1, and we had no idea how to manage it.?

Today, exactly 6yrs and 10 months later, my then 12-year-old little girl has grown into a beautiful, audaciously ambitious young woman with a head of her own and standing tall on her two feet. She has a plan for the next five years of her life. She passed all her exams, excelled in her job, got her driver's license and bought a car the same week; she turned 19.?

(My daughter and "audacious" bought from her own savings on her 19th birthday in February this year)

(My little big daughter graduated on June 28th 2022 with distinction)

While in 2017, I was still struggling to send her a €10 allowance now and then. She now earns her own money and has visited me four times at her own cost. Yesterday she graduated from her professional training school with excellent grades, a full-time work contract in her pocket, a salary increase and a concrete plan for the next five years of her life. In between, she has masterfully managed two heartbreaks in my absence and learned how to do her inner work and so much more. She has become an incredibly independent, self-reliant free-spirited professional young woman who knows not just what she does not want but also what she wants.??

(My son on his 18th birthday in May 2020)

Her brother, my son, on his part, passed his high school exams and moved out of his dad's house on his 18th?birthday and has never looked back, except for the regular family visits, lunches and birthday celebrations with his dad and sister. Since then, he has navigated through all types of jobs to sustain himself, including dishwashing at a military academy to become a certified fitness trainer. He took up a job at the covid testing centre when the pandemic broke out. When I almost passed out for fear that he might get the virus, he was happy that we were working at one of the safest places, where he could learn more about the virus first-hand and earn good?money while helping others. Since moving out, he has been sustaining himself without having to revert to us for financial assistance.?

Today at 21, he and his amazing girlfriend have enough money to afford their own apartment.??On top of that, he now knows how to manage his diabetes more than I could ever in a lifetime, and that knowledge is helping him monitor his condition and lifestyle so much so that he does not have to go to the hospital all the time. One month ago, he decided to give up his job to focus on learning for the entrance exam to the medical school, which he plans to finance by himself, by the way.?

(A liberated learning mum on her growth journey through life)

On my part, I have found and unleashed the author that I almost killed in me. In less than six years, I wrote 25 books and 15 eBooks. Fifteen of them are currently being used in schools in SA. I launched a publishing company,?GloBUNTU Books , out of nothing. Today GloBUNTU Books is a proud publisher of over 56 books from the continent and diaspora, and the numbers are growing. I am also pleased to share that besides writing and publishing my books, I have coached 15 kids and 26 adults to write and become published authors; a significant majority of them are now award-winners, and all the kids' books have also been approved for schools in South Africa. After 6yrs and 10mins in South Africa, and after more than two and a half years of the pandemic and lockdown, I again noticed that I needed a new environment to unleash the post-pandemic version of me. So again, after consultation with my amazing kids, I decided to move to another destination out of South Africa. One month ago, I said goodbye to South Africa, packed my two suitcases again and moved to Sao Tome & Principe in pursuit of the next version of me, which is unfolding magnificently.??This is the topic for another post. Let me know in the comment box if you want to hear about this new chapter.

Looking back over the last 6yrs and 10 months, I can’t help wondering what our lives would have turned out and what story I would have been sharing with you right now. One thing is for sure; I would have become a bitter, cynical old woman and nagging. I would not have unleashed the author in me and would not have known how great and vast my African legacy is. I???would not be the proud African woman I am today. When I see the transformation my young authors have gone through, I know I would not have been in the privileged position to be called “auntie” and “my publisher so many times and being a coach, mentor and publisher of our 15 award-winning young authors and 32 adult authors. Our books would not be in some 250 schools in Gauteng, South Africa, where some??10?000 learners are reading them.?

(Some of my GloBUNTU award-winning young authors)

When I look at the trajectory and the accomplishments of my kids, when I see the personal growth, we have gone through as individuals and as a collective, I wish that many more mums/parents would stop using their kids as an excuse to kill their dreams and, by so doing, unconsciously shifting holding them for missing out or letting go of their dreams.?

Above all, when I look at myself today, I am endlessly proud of the woman I have been and continue to become. The bitterness is forever turned into “betterness” (for lack of a better word). I have learned to look at my challenges as the perfect growth opportunity. I am happier, more daring, and more inwardly balanced than ever. If my day came today, I would be grateful for the blueprint legacy I have created in the last six years, and I would know that my kids will be just fine without me because they have learned how to be without me in the last 6yrs and 10 months. And this alone is priceless.

Even though we have always had a tremendous co-parenting relationship, my being away has dramatically improved and strengthened the co-parenting relationship with my kids' dad to the greater joy of our kids.?

(My kids and their dad, the best co-parents I could ever wish for)

Each time my kids share their newest achievements with me, I am grateful that we let each other go when we did so we could grow individually together.?

Each time I apologise for a missed birthday, a graduation ceremony, for not being there to welcome her first boyfriend and to comfort her when she had her first heartbreak, my daughter reminds me of some of my parenting principles: “In life, you make your own decisions and assume the consequences because I may not always be there when you need me, but one thing you can be sure of is that as long as I live, I will always be here to catch you if ever you fall, virtually or physically without judgement.”

“I love you passionately. I am committed to you forever, and I will always be here for you, but I am not attached to you, and you should not be too attached to me to the extent that you can’t be without me.”

Each time they visit me, they remind me that leaving them behind was one of the best things that happened to them because it made them understand that I trusted them enough that they would be fine without me. Living in different countries allows them to visit and have other experiences that put them ahead of their peers.

They say me going in search of myself gave them the audacity to find themselves. They say they are sure that the beautiful, intimate mum/daughter/son relationship we have is because I am not always around trying to fix or control their moves. They say they know that the strong bond we share today has to do with the fact that we each have our private spaces to be ourselves, make our own mistakes, and learn our life lessons, knowing that I will always catch them whenever they fall, irrespective of the geographical distance between us.?

They even add that seeing me find myself and grow in new environments challenges them to do the same. And that being in a different setting allows them to learn how to manage their own emotions and feelings.?

These kids, my kids, are my constant source of inspiration, for which I am endlessly grateful. I owe that inspiration and audacity to @bibiana Taku, the woman who brought me up, and I am forever thankful to her.?

(Ma'ams Bibiana Mbuh Taku, the woman who brought me up)

So what is keeping you from pursuing your dreams at the moment? What is your excuse for not putting yourself first??

What radical parenting decision have you made that you now look back upon with pride???

By Ankwetta B. Achaleke, An audaciously proud learning mum (also on Instagram, FB and YouTube) use #AskBeatrice or #audaciousParenting

PS: Oh one last thing, the terrible stepmother who tried so hard but could not break them finally got tired and left.