Decoupling: The Power of Third-Point Conversations

Have you ever been part of a difficult conversation - one that could be termed uncomfortable? Chances are that the answer is yes, with some studies suggesting that as many as 60% of people feel some sense of anxiety linked to social interaction at least some of the time (YouGov, 2022).

This is hardly surprising given the sheer number of contributive factors that have the capacity to dial up this sense of social discomfort: including power imbalance (Hewlin, 2009), language barriers, contrasting perspectives (Dixon et al., 2020) and even attraction. Any one - or even combination - of these factors can turn almost any interaction into a challenging and potentially awkward engagement.

One way of mitigating for these contributors of cringe is to introduce a third-point - one which becomes the focus point of the conversation (Grinder, 2006); with participants talking through this third point, as opposed to directly conversing with each other.

Third Point Conversations: A Quick Introduction

A third point conversation is a communication technique that involves sharing a visual medium between a speaker and listener. The visual medium can be a piece of paper, a hand-drawn sketch, or another shared reference point. In my work, I often use LEGO models as physical manipulatives to serve as this powerful third point - more on the specific value of this later.

How a Third Point Conversation Works

Whilst there are variations on how to introduce a 'third-point', most use a framework similar to this one:

• The speaker and/or the listener make their thinking explicit through representing and sharing these thoughts via a visual medium. I regularly use LEGO? Serious Play? to help participants construct the full complexity of their thinking in response to a relevant prompt - using the bricks as a 3D printer for what is in their heads.
• Participants then share the story of their model, articulating their thinking; using the model as a scaffold upon which to build and tell this story.
• The conversation then takes place indirectly through these models - a third point.
• At its best, the third point serves as a tactile representation of the ongoing conversation, with participants actively challenging, building and rebuilding their LEGO models to represent the iterative nature of the key ideas being shared, along with the ongoing co-construction of new knowledge structures.

Underlying Principles: Why it works

#1. Decoupling

The visual medium can help create a sense of distance from the issue at hand - this is a phenomenon I call Decoupling; giving people the opportunity to separate ideas from the people sharing them. This objectivity helps both parties view the ideas with a more open mind - in isolation from their thoughts and feelings about the individual who shared them*

For example, we have all been in a situation where we are listening to someone who - for whatever reason - we have a negative perception of. In such instances, there is a likelihood that we unconsciously view everything they say through this biased lens - even when we objectively believe that what they are saying is valid and valuable.

When we decouple the ideas from the person using a third point, we are better equipped to objectively consider the value of the thinking in isolation from the individual themselves

#2. Reducing Cognitive Load

This introduction of a third point can also have a positive influence on those sharing their stories, as well as on the listeners.

When we ask people to build their thinking using LEGO bricks, they do so in the absence of words. Without language as a constraining factor, sharers can focus more of their working memory on building the full complexity of their thinking, using this model as a framework to tell their model-story later in the process.

Without the need to verbally articulate their thinking to others in real-time - whilst forming their thoughts - sharers are afforded a greater opportunity for whole-brain thinking - engaging both the right and left hemispheres of their brains, increasing the likelihood that they will share a truer representation of the full complexity of their thinking in relation to a given prompt or topic - as opposed to an overly simplified abstraction.

#3. Increased Candour

Another advantage of sharing ideas indirectly through a third point is that sharers are able to literally objectify their own thinking, referring to their ideas in model-form in isolation from themselves.

This decoupling creates a 'space' between themselves and their ideas, creating a psychologically safer environment that fosters increased candour. Because people are talking about, to and through a model, as opposed to about themselves, barriers that typically inhibit candid responses - such as power dynamics - are less influential.

When to Use Third Point Conversations

• They can be used in both positive and negative situations - and are particularly effective for evaluative conversations; such as conversations about performance and progress.
• This techniques can also be used to facilitate challenging conversations about potentially evocative or emotionally-charged issues and topics. I have successfully used third point conversations, in conjunction with LEGO??Serious Play? as a tool for facilitating restorative justice, as well as for potentially divisive topics where there is a likelihood of strong and contrasting perspectives; such as inclusive working environments and politics.
• It can be used more generally to improve workplace interactions and build trust and relationships - as well as for mediation and conversations focussed on behaviours.

Want to Learn More?

I am the Director of Learning and Innovation at SERIOUSWORK . If you would like to learn more about LEGO Serious Play, and how it can build better learning experiences in your setting and context, please check out our site here.

For more information about Purposeful Play, please subscribe to this 'Building Better' blog where you will find lots of useful articles on a range of relevant topics.

Finally, if you would like to explore the opportunity of me working with you and your teams directly, please feel very welcome to reach out directly - or schedule a call with me here - if that is easier.

References

Caviglioli, O. (2019). Dual coding with teachers. Hachette UK.

Dixon, A., et al. (2020). "Disagreement and Comfort in Political Conversations."

Hewlin, P. F. (2009). "When Voice Matters: The Impact of Power Differences on Communication.