Deconstructing Relationship Depth

The other night I was at a gathering where one of the speakers was discussing the idea of trust in relationships and it got my head spinning. 

Why is it that we trust certain people in our relationships and distrust others? 

While I'd never claim to have the complete answer to such a complex question, I do have some theories based on my own experience in what creates a deeper sense of trust in the people around us that I wanted to share. 

To begin with, it's been my experience that trust in my own relationships has directly tied to the depth of the relationship. 

And when I started to think about where this depth comes from, a few interesting points came to light: 

1. Conversations Matter- I have some people I have known for years and some I've only known for days and no matter the length of time I've known someone, our initial conversation and how I felt about that conversation has left an indelible mark on me. 

If we had a great conversation that felt shared and engaging, I remember them with fondness and feel more depth in the relationship. If we had a short business-oriented conversation, I do not feel as strong of a connection and if the conversation felt one-sided and demanding, then I want to avoid it in the future. 

How I feel after talking to someone is a very important thing for me. 

Arguably more important than what we talked about. 

2. Time spent is a tricky heuristic- There is the idea of "knowing someone for years" as a factor in friendships and relationships that is often the go-to when it comes to relationship depth and friendship, but I've had plenty of instances in which knowing someone for a long time has not necessarily made us any closer or deepened our relationship in a meaningful way. 

Conversely, I have some people whom I spoke to at an event for over three hours and felt closer to them than some people I have "known for years"

Time spent often ends up being the default for how we view the relationship's depth and our level of trust, but this is always changing. 

3. Shared experiences, good and bad create depth- I have people in my life whom I went on the same retreat with whom I feel very close to. I also have friends who were with me during bad jobs I've had that I have stayed very close to. 

There is something about the shared experience that does something to us in terms of relationship depth and a transfer of trust. There are certain events I have been to where if someone said they were part of that event, I'd instantly have a higher level of trust and connection with them. 

4. Being there matters more than you know- I have had some hard times in my life where I have had no option other than to just receive support. I have a much deeper relationship with those who were there for me during those times and appreciate the fact that they reached out and showed their support. 

It's easy to be around when things are good. 

It's not so easy to be around when things are difficult and that willingness of people to be there during those times has a direct effect on the depth of the relationship. 

5. Our systems are fallible- No matter the depth of a relationship or the trust we've built, we will make mistakes. We will trust someone's word on a person we should meet and that person will disappoint us and upset us. It's easy in those moments to want to throw out everything we already established and take the stance of "trust no one" or "everyone is out for themselves" but none of that is useful. 

It's much more useful to understand that whatever rules we create for whom we trust in our relationships will have flaws and that means those around us will also have systems with flaws. 

I've learned it's best to learn from those issues, but understand that they will always come up and that there are factors outside of our control in how any person will act in a certain situation. 

Humanity is the opposite of certainty. 

Our trust will be broken and it's up to us not to allow that to make us stop trusting others. 

As I mentioned, these are only a few ideas in this space, but it's something I plan to continue to explore. 

It may also be helpful for you to do the same. 

Excelsior! 

P.S. Want to learn even more about building and maintaining strong relationships? Then join me this month for The Network Accelerator.