Decoding the laundry list

Decoding the laundry list

Three decades of knowing and working with adult children (not to mention six decades of living as one) have made it impossible for me to read the thirteen laundry list items as anything but iterations of control addiction. 

For example,

As an adult child...

(1) I guess what normal is, then try to imitate it. 

I don't feel normal (whatever that is). I feel different, inadequate, anxious. I assume these feelings are unique to me, and that if you knew about them you'd judge me. So I hide my feelings and fake normalcy. (I won't let on how much a change in plans disturbs me, for example, or how nervous I am in social situations.) I do this to control how you perceive and react to me.

(2) I have trouble following projects through from beginning to end.

This is mainly because of how I handle discomfort. All projects turn uncomfortable at some point, demanding we do things we'd rather not do. I don't know what to do with such feelings -- that it helps to vent, for example, or ask for encouragement or advice. Instead I try to make them go away by interrupting what I'm doing. (I call this "taking a break.")  Thus my bedroom remains unpainted, my graduate degree unearned, my book unwritten, and I may never lose those last ten pounds.  

(3) I lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. 

Since the truth (like how I really feel about myself or about you) makes me terribly uneasy, honesty feels dangerous. It feels much safer to conceal and manipulate the truth. I've been doing that for so long that now it's a habit. I overcontrol the truth because it gives me the sense that of being able to control you and how you see me.  

(4) I judge myself without mercy. 

Childhood taught me to expect others to criticize or reject me. This was so painful that now I anticipate it and do it to myself before you can. I'd rather abuse myself than feel victimized. (Kind of like quitting a job before they can fire you.) And judging myself without mercy saves me from being surprised or disappointed should you ever do it. In this way I manage both my expectations of you and my own chronic anxiety.

(To be continued.)

Part 12 of a series on

monkeytraps and adult children. 

Read part 1 here.


要查看或添加评论,请登录

STEVE HAUPTMAN的更多文章

  • Agony

    Agony

    There is no cell of our body that does not have a wounded child in it. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh There is another kind of…

    1 条评论
  • The Kid Trance and adult relationships

    The Kid Trance and adult relationships

    . We are all in a post-hypnotic trance induced in early infancy.

    1 条评论
  • Monkeytraps

    Monkeytraps

    Want to trap a monkey? Try this: (1) Find a heavy bottle with a narrow neck. (2) Drop a banana into it.

    2 条评论
  • Change your gravel

    Change your gravel

    Six months ago he came in so wired and anxious we needed to walk the neighborhood for forty minutes before he could sit…

  • If this, then that

    If this, then that

    Control means the ability to dictate reality -- to edit people, places and things according to our needs and…

  • Decoding 3: I feel different

    Decoding 3: I feel different

    (Decoding the laundry list, concluded.) If I'm an adult child, (10) I feel different from other people.

  • Decoding 2: I grew up scared

    Decoding 2: I grew up scared

    (Decoding the laundry list, continued.) As an adult child, (5) I have trouble relaxing or having fun.

  • Four laws

    Four laws

    Twenty-five years of practicing therapy have led me to four conclusions: 1. Human beings are addicted to control.

  • What's "control addiction"?

    What's "control addiction"?

    At the heart of all the adult child's problems lies control addiction. What's control addiction? Let's start with two…

  • The core symptom

    The core symptom

    If on first encountering the Laundry List you found it confusing, you're not alone. Fortunately I can simplify it for…

社区洞察

其他会员也浏览了