Decision-making: the desire vs fear battle

It was a cold and rainy February afternoon in Greece, 13 years ago. At the same time it was a sunny morning in Brazil.

And that was relevant because I was contemplating moving countries.

In fact, continents.

In fact, worlds.

It had been weeks already that I was contemplating the question. I had spoken to many of my friends, MBA classmates, work colleagues, people who had made a similar move. I had drawn pros and cons lists. I had made calculations, risk mapping and mitigation plans. And, for the most of it, I felt overwhelmed and lost, facing myself with such a huge life call.

Until, one morning, I woke up and I knew. I knew I was going to take the leap of faith. I had made my decision.

Thirteen years later, with the benefit of hindsight, I’d say it was a great decision.

I’d also say that it boiled down to one thing: desire won over fear.

See, inside of us there are two forces: desire and fear.

Desire is that pull we feel to explore, to build, to try new things, to create, to connect, to innovate, to sacrifice for what we love, to discover America, to go to the moon. Desire moves mankind forward.

Fear, on the other hand, is the survival brain’s legitimate attempt to keep us alive. After all, what use is desire if we are dead?

The issue is the survival brain goes one step beyond keeping us alive, to keeping us safe. Now safe means it will prefer a well-known status quo vs a new, unpredictable state, even if the latter is better.

“Safety” can explain, for example, why we stay in miserable, even toxic, relationships at a personal level or why organizational change is so hard even when everyone hates the status quo. Known is safer than great.

Fear closes the doors and the windows and rolls down the blinds so no intruder ever comes in.

Whereas desire, with all its seductive beauty, shines a light full of hope. If only we can open a crack in the fear, it can come in and light a fire, conquer the darkness and show new paths. Desire can keep us warm inside.

I’m not arguing in favor of desire. Fire can burn and some fear is a sign of intelligence. But I am arguing in favor of knowing where our balance stands - and how well that serves us.

You can find different names for them. Jonathan Haidt talks about approach and withdrawal in his book “The Happiness Hypothesis”, and informs us we each come with a pre-programmed balance. Steven Pressfield talks about calling and resistance, in his brilliant book “The war of art”.

Regardless of the name, you can see desire vs fear in action on a daily basis inside and around you.

When your kid wraps around your leg as you walk into a birthday party.

When you are debating whether to take a job or launch a business.

When you are thinking about going out with someone.

When you are in front of a cliff about to dive.

When desire and fear battle inside of you, who wins?

Share in the comments or DM me with a story where one or the other won, I’d love to hear it!