Decentering Men's Pleasure

What if I told you that almost everything you have learned about sex and sexuality is a lie? What if I told you that you are not broken because you can’t orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex? What if I told you that not feeling horny for your partner and needing time to warm up to sex is completely normal? What if I told you that not cumming at all during any kind of sexual activity is actually QUITE COMMON and quite normal? Would you be surprised?

The longer I spend time reading and researching about female sexuality, the more I get filled with rage at all the ways women have been lied to. It is a sad fact that even in 2024, sexual health and sexual messaging is focused on that “almighty” organ – the penis. Why? The patriarchy of course. The ways we have been taught to think about sex is inherently male-focused. For millennia it was (cis, hetero) men thinking, writing, and prescribing what is right and what is wrong when it comes to sex. And it has been assumed that female sexuality must work in the same way as men’s sexuality, and if it doesn’t then that woman is broken. And you’d be hard pressed to find anything that focuses on the sexuality of trans and nonbinary/gender nonconforming folks. But I am here to tell you that you are not broken – it is the messaging and the education that is broken. Wherever you fall on the sexuality spectrum – “vanilla” or “kinky,” “promiscuous” or “prude,” horny as all hell or just really not that interested – you are not broken, you are perfect and you are normal. I repeat – it’s not you, it’s the messaging.

Time for some facts – only about 30% of cis women report reliable orgasms from vaginal penetration, as opposed to about 70% of cis men. And since sexual messaging is so often focused on cis men and their pleasure, if you can’t cum from vaginal sex then something must be wrong with you. But nope! Nothing is wrong with you – you’re just not a cis man! Also if you are a person with a clitoris and a vagina, then the vagina isn’t actually your main pleasure center. Your clitoris is. So it makes perfect sense that you would have difficulty having an orgasm from vaginal penetration. Also, I gotta let you in on a little secret – a lot of those vaginal orgasms aren’t actually from the vaginal penetration – they’re from the ancillary friction of your clitoris against your partner’s body.

More facts! In another study looking at sex in college students, only about 11% of college women surveyed reported having an orgasm the first time they hooked up with someone. ELEVEN PERCENT! That’s not a big percent. But again, media, porn, your friends, that random dude who claims he’s some sex god, all would have you thinking something is wrong with you if you are not having these wild orgasms from vaginal penetration the first time you hook up with someone. But nah, you’re not broken. You’re perfect! You’re just not a cis man.

This is part of why I started Sexuality Without Shame. The messaging is just all wrong! I myself am a sexual health coach and educator, and I can’t always cum and I sometimes find it really hard to feel desire towards my partner or a potential partner. We’re not all out here being these wild sex goddesses, cumming up a storm every time we have sex. Some of us are! But probably not most of us. And every single one of us is normal. The best sex is the sex that works for you. The sex that fulfills you, not the sex you’ve been told you should have. The right amount of sex is the amount that works for you and your partner(s), not the amount you’ve been told you should have. I work with my clients to help them decide exactly that. What is the best sex for YOU and what is the sex you want to be having. Because we’re all different and we’re all normal.

(Also shout out to Emily Nagoski, author of the book Come As You Are – this book played an integral part in helping me form my vision and write this blog. If you identify as a woman, I would highly recommend you check out her book.)