Debunking the "Good" and the "Bad"

“That neighborhood is bad. Don’t go there.”

“This college has a terrible ranking.”

“Did you meet so and so's kid? They’re so good.”?

This categorization of the world has been something I saw often from adults when I was growing up. The young, impressionable me internalized messages I heard. I truly believed that the world only fit into two categories: the "good" and the "bad."

It makes sense why we perceived the world in this way back in the day. Historically, this lens of duality was developed as a survival mechanism. It was pertinent for our brains to make this distinction so we wouldn’t get eaten by a bear, or go out into the wilderness at night. It was a significant tool for survival.?

However, in the 21st century, this lens of duality has, unfortunately, led us to label people. It has led us to label our most vulnerable. In this case, our children.?

In our K-12 schooling, this labeling has become so standardized and prevalent. Our children are compared to this hypothetical “ideal” student:

• The child who sits quietly and listens attentively to the teacher.
• The child who turns in all of their homework.
• The child who gets good grades in all of their classes.
• The child who is kind and polite.
• The child who is college bound.?

Unconsciously, us BIG people categorize every child against this standard. Kids indefinitely get put into these good and bad categories. When I was an educator, I saw this often - like when a parent compared a problem child with their sibling who was so obedient, or a teacher who couldn’t tame the students who were misbehaving.?

These days, these bad behaviors lead a child to be labeled as unfocused, lazy, ADHD, lack of effort, etc.

Our brain's conditioning has led us adults to determine the worth of a young child.

We normalize opposites for our children, not only putting them in these two boxes, but not giving opportunities for a child to leave the box until adulthood (when it’s too late).?

As parents and educators, how can we consciously move beyond these labels of good and bad??

Here are some suggestions:?

Reflect on What Type of Student You Were Growing Up

Who were you? The Overachiever Oswaldo, The Average Aiden, The Curious Carole, The Troublemaker Teresa, or Outkast Oliver?

The way in which we ourselves were labeled growing up affects the way we perceive children. We unconsciously put children into boxes based on what we internalized was good or bad. Maybe if we were good students, we see children who are obedient the same way. If we were rebellious, we may relate more to the “bad” student because you understand why they are acting a certain way. It’s when we understand that our children may not align with our definition or the two, is when we can move beyond these labels for future generations.?

Get Comfortable with the Gray Area?

Our brains will automatically want to categorize our children (since that is it's way to survive), but it’s up to us to get comfortable with uncertainty. The way to do this is shifting our mindset to a key idea: our children are whole, and hold unique and diverse qualities. To place a child into being either good or bad is like categorizing artwork in a museum. As we know, there is more nuance to it. Each child has something to offer, and when we can understand that, we can support their unique personality and needs, rather than giving up on them.?

*Sample Activity* Write down all the unique qualities of your child. Now label each quality as being perceived as “good” or “bad” in school. The ones that you label bad may be the ones you will have to fight as a parent to make sure your child is still supported within the K-12 schooling system.?

Ask Different Questions?

Though the tendency to see our children with a duality of lens will always exist, we can navigate it by reframing what good or bad in school actually means. For some children, obedience and listening quietly is not a definition of good. Some children may need more leadership opportunities, outdoor activities, or making the curriculum more personalized to fit their specific needs. Sometimes a child may have different interests than a parent or a teacher, and we can enable them to explore them, instead of stifling who they are. We can shift from “This child will never learn” and “They are just a bad child” to “What does this child need that either myself or this system is unable to provide?” or “What’s not working?” These questions provide more space for the child to grow and become their authentic self. It leads to personalization, instead of trying to get the child to conform to the system itself.

Here’s the thing - in order to trick our brains, we have to bring this perception into full understanding. When we become familiar with how our brains function and its need to perceive the world using this lens of duality, we can move beyond it. Especially for our kids.?

As adults who are part of the educational system, it is crucial to understand that our children deserve more than being labeled into two defining boxes that may haunt them for the rest of their lives.?

Conscious Education Starter Kit:?

Komal’s book “Raise Your Hand! A Call for Consciousness in Education”

Spotify Playlist for Conscious Education

The Cost of Our K-12 Schooling