Death On The Nile (2022 Version) *****
The annual team building works photograph- but we’re a long way from Beijing- so where’s Sir Michael Palin

Death On The Nile (2022 Version) *****



STARRING: Tom Bateman, Annette Bening, Sir Kenneth Branagh, Russell Brand, Adam Garcia, Noel White, Letitia Wright, Sophie Okonedo, Dan Ellis, Emma Mackey, Armie Hammer, Gal Gadot, Rose Leslie, Ali Fazal, Jennifer Saunders, Dawn French & Susannah Fielding

Director: Sir Kenneth Branagh

Certification Rating Certificate: 12A

Distribution: 20th Century Studios (formerly Twentieth Century Fox),Scott Free Productions, Kinberg Genre, Mark Gordon Pictures,TSG Entertainment Finance LLC, The Walt Disney Motion Pictures Company

Duration Running Time: (approx) 2 Hrs 07 Mins. (127 Minutes)




Dame Agatha Mary Clarissa Christie, Lady Mallowan, DBE,(nee Miller) born September 15,1880, was in fact an English writer best known for her detective novels - 'sixty-eight' as well as her collections of short stories -'fourteen'- particularly those revolving around 'fictional detectives' including Hercule Poirot & Miss Marple that have portrayed by the likes of Albert Finney, Sir Peter Ustinov, Dame Margaret Rutherford, Sir David Suchet, (brother of John - a former newsreader as well as a successful broadcaster - 'Classic FM' - a classical radio commercial station),Joan Hickson, OBE, Julia McKenzie, CBE, & even Geraldine McEwan that have been shown on 'the big screen' as well as 'the small screen'.

Christie was born into a wealthy upper middle-class-family situated in Torquay,Devon, & that in her early-years that she was largely 'home-schooled' but also was that she was originally classed as 'an unsuccessful writer' with 'six consecutive rejections', however 'everything changes' when 'The Mysterious Affair At Styles' - her 'debut' novel featuring Belgian detective Hercule Poirot - making his debut which she wrote during the middle of WWII, was published.

Then in 1971, Christie was made a 'Dame' - DBE- for her contributions & services to literature, however 'The Guinness Book Of World Records' lists Christie as 'the best-selling fiction writer' of all-time, - her novels themselves having sold more than 'two billion copies' - it even out sold 'The Bible' which is a collection of texts, scriptures & also stories of various religions in many forms of compilations.


Christie's 'first husband' was Archibald Christie, they married in 1914, & had produced one child before they finally divorced in 1928,- the marriage only lasted at least 'fourteen years', but it was that during both World Wars I & II, that Christie served in hospital dispensaries, acquiring through many knowledges of various poisons which featured in her many novels, short stories & plays.


Two years earlier - Friday December 3rd,1926, Christie disappeared from her home in Berkshire, this made world headlines & more than 'one thousand policeman' as well as 'hundreds of civilians'& also for the first time that even aeroplanes were involved in the search for the famous writer, now the reason for her 'disappearance' would involve the death of her mother as well as the embarrasment of her husband's affair.

Eventually she was found '11 days later' - 1 week and 3 days - Tuesday December 14th,1926, Christie was 'located' at The Swan Hydropathic Hotel, situated in the Northern town of Harrogate,North Yorkshire.

A movie about her disappearance & directed by Michael Apted, featuring Vanessa Redgrave & Dustin Hoffman called 'Agatha' - 1979 - was released in British cinemas.


Christie also wrote 'The Mousetrap', which has since become 'the longest-running play' & has also been performed in London's West End at The Ambassadors Theatre since it first performed on Tuesday November 25th, 1952,- the 'stage-play' holds 'the world-record for the longest-initial run' - by September 2018, the show had run more than 27,500 'theatre performances' of its time -by March 2020 because of the coronavirus pandemic - (COVID-19) - but the show re-opened in May 2021,& also that Christie wrote at least 'six novels' under the pseudonym of Mary Westmacott. - & by 1930, she married Max Mallowan 'her second husband'.

Mallowan was an archaeologist & Christie spent 'many several months each year on digs situated in the Middle East & had even 'used her first-class knowledge' on his profession in her fiction.


Now, according to Index Translationum, which is UNESCO's (United Nations Educational Scientific & Cultural Organisation's) data base of book translations she remains as 'the most-translated individual author' & that also her novel 'And Then There Were None' is also 'one of the best-selling novels' -with approximately 'one hundred million copies' sold.

The novel was first published in the UK by the Collins Crime Club on November 6, 1939, however the book's original title was 'classed as racist & controversial' - the 'contents' of the story involved 'a children's counting rhyme & minstrel song', so therefore, the 'so-called' original title was changed to 'And Then There Were None' so as not to anger or more importantly anyone with the 'unforseen' subject in question.


There have been so many film adaptations of 'And Then There Were None', - known to many as 'Ten Little Indians' - the first of these came in 1945, directed by Rene Clair & featuring Barry Fitzgerald & Walter Huston,- the 'second version followed in 1965, -‘ twenty years later’ featuring Hugh O’Brian, Fabian, Shirley Eaton, Dalia Lavi, Dennis Price, & Wilfrid Hyde-White, which was followed ‘nine years later’ - 1974- by 'a third version' featuring Sir Richard Attenborough,(brother of Sir David) Oliver Reed, Herbert Lom, Elke Sommer, Stephane Audran, Gert Frobe & Charles Aznavour, by 1989, 'the fourth version featured Donald Pleasence, Brenda Vaccaro & even Frank Stallone - brother of Sylvester.

However by 2015, it became a TV series which was shown on the BBC- but this was classed as a 'made for TV movie' - this one featured Charles Dance, Miranda Richardson,Sam Neill & Aidan Turner, but prior to this the 1959 version, which by the way was also a 'made for TV movie' - the 'first one ever' & also shown in the US starred Barry Jones,Nina Foch & also Kenneth Haigh.


Christie first wrote the mystery novel of 'Death On The Nile' back in 1937 & 'forty-one years later' -1978, the original movie was released, directed by John Guillermin who had 'two major successes with two blockbusters' back in the 1970's with 'The Towering Inferno' starring Steve McQueen & Paul Newman - two of Hollywood's heavyweights who at the time were both successful at the box office & both of these 'shared as top-billing super-stars' -1974 & 'King Kong' - the 1976 'remake' featuring Jeff Bridges,Jessica Lange & Charles Grodin of the 1933 original starring Fay Wray, - two years later.


Now EMI Films - the film's British distributor really wanted 'a follow-up' to 'Murder On The Orient Express' - the original - four years earlier -1974 - directed by Sidney Lumet who was 'nominated' for a Best Director Oscar at least 'five times' which by the way was 'a major success in British 'box-office takings' which at the time under the direction of Michael Deeley & Barry Spikings -these were in fact two British film producers - who were both joint-managing-directors of the film company & both of these were in charge of British Lion Films as they were both entrepreneurs with the art of filmmaking so they could 'train' future film directors with their unique experiences of their crafts.


British Lion Films - a British film distributor released movies such as 'The Third Man' - 1949, directed by Sir Carol Reed, (Oliver Reed was his nephew, while Tracy Reed who featured in 'Dr Strangelove' - 1964,- 'a black comedy' directed by Stanley Kubrick, was in fact - his stepdaughter), as well as 'Don't Look Now' -1973, directed by Nicolas Roeg, - 'an occult-themed thriller' featuring Donald Sutherland & Julie Christie & 'The Wicker Man' - also 1973, directed by Robin Hardy - 'a horror movie' featuring Edward Woodward, OBE as Sgt Neil Howie, a policeman & also Sir Christopher Lee as Lord Summerisle.

However just think of it as “Heartbeat in the Highlands”, but beware - because you may come across a ‘Sturgeon’ called Nicola who’s lurking around these parts of the forests & is searching for her long-lost love of Lord Ashfordly - unaware that she’s disguised as “Wee Jimmy Krankie”& also wondering ‘where does he hide his bottle of Malt Whiskey’ ? the answer of which is situated under his freshly Tartan kilt & also ‘keeping it warm’-just for prosperity.


Their CEO - a Chief Executive Officer - who was also 'the 'highest-ranking' person in a company or other institution is responsible for taking managerial decisions was Peter Snell, who like Michael Balcon (the 'head-honcho' - boss in charge of Ealing Studios -where many films were made at the studio), was in sole charge of the film company & also took 'total control' of running it on a daily basis.

Just for the record, Christie wrote 'Murder On The Orient Express' which was published in the UK by the Collins Crime Club on January 1,- New Year's Day 1934, while in the US it was published by Dodd, Mead And Company (an American Publishing Company) on February 28, 1934,- however its US book title was known as 'Murder In The Calais Coach'.


The movie is also 'a follow-up' to 'Murder On The Orient Express' - the 2017 version directed by & also starring Sir Kenneth Branagh who 'once again' directs & also 'reprises' his character as Belgian Detective Hercule Poirot.


The plot 'for this new updated version' involves our Belgian detective Hercule Poirot (Branagh), who’s in Egypt during the 1930's & is taking 'an Egyptian leisurely well-earned break' aboard 'a glamorous river-steamer' - the 'Karnak' - which turns this exciting paradise of an exciting adventure into a 'terrifying search' for a murderer, when a picture perfect couple whose 'idyllic honeymoon' which is a well-earned & a well-deserved break' thanks mainly due to the pandemic or COVID-19 - for short.


However, on board this 'old-fashioned' steamer' is a star-studded collection of characters that makes the G7 Summit in Glasgow looking like 'a crowd of people'- that's is not socially distancing & also that many are simply imitating different variations of different accents & if during 'the evening meal' during many conversations that someone had 'accidentally' spiked their recipes -served by the likes of James Martin,Jamie Oliver, Keith Floyd, Graham Kerr (aka 'The Galloping Gormet'- & where back in the day - this was shown either before/after the lunchtime news), Raymond Blanc & even Matt Tebbutt - stars of various cookery shows shown on 'terrestrial TV' that are shown mainly on Saturdays & are also 'classed as 'LIVE'! - but they're not, - because it’s a recorded programme & you can tell this because they’re looking closely at their watches at various times during the recorded broadcast & so before you can say 'Billy Bunter’ these cookery experts are 'tucking' into their main courses, but there's a very old saying that a recipe of success is about to turn into a recipe of a complete disaster.

An example of this sees Yorkshire’s James Martin, who by the way appeared on “This Morning”as 'a guest' & also had ‘a complete malfunction with the blender as he simply forgot to put to insert the top lid on his expensive blender, however, in the words of the song “You Wear It Well” performed by Rod Stewart, - that he certainly was “wearing it - like an out of date Yorkshire Pudding” courtesy of a certain Aunt Bessie.


These characters range from between an American (Bening) doing a 'British accent - but mainly shouting, a British actress (Okonedo),doing a Deep South American & also a Scottish actress, (Leslie), playing a French Maid & other characters in this mystery thriller involve Jacqueline de Bellefort (Mackey),a former fiancee, Linnet Ridgeway (Gadot), a 'wealthy heiress & Simon her new husband - (a disgraced Hammer - whose 'naughty antics' involve multiple allegations of rape, sexual abuse & even 'cannibalism' - (he should audition for the part of Dr Hannibal 'The Cannibal' Lector -he should find this 'a very tasty role') that surfaced even before filming was completed plus Russell Brand as Dr. Bessner plus the likes of Dawn French with Jennifer Saunders into the 'mixing pot' & you have a movie that has all the ingredients before you can say 'Naughty Nigella Lawson’ - who’s up to all kinds of antics in her favourite corner - whisking away by spending all her time in the kitchen, to her it’s heavenly & after all - how would you handle a spatula - in different positions.

Anyway all these characters get 'on board' the steamer - “steady on Matron” - for an adventurous cruise down the River Nile, by which everything starts to go wrong - as you do - & then -“ before you know it” - the murderer strikes out from wherever he/she is situated from it’s original location on board the pleasure steamer.

However, it’s down to Poirot who “exercises his extreme powers” with “zee leetle gray cells” & speaks with a distinct Belgian accent - ''Sacre Bleu'' ! & then we’re up & away before you can say that the RMS Titanic is about to collide - with an iceberg - that is the one that’s located in the Atlantic Ocean & not the one that you’ll find fresh in the indoor market or your 'everyday super-market' that you do your weekly shop on a regular basis.


Now, as you would expect from Branagh himself as the Belgian Detective - this character gives 'a marvellous 'first class'' performance' as Poirot - his impersonation as Poirot - has shades of Maurice Chevalier - the French actor/entertainer who performs his style with sheer 'greatness' but has 'shades' of Peter Sellers who portrayed French Inspector Jacques Clouseau in the 'Pink Panther' franchise - especially in 'Revenge Of The Pink Panther' -1978- where Sellers himself is disguised as Toulouse Lautrec whilst performing 'Thank Heaven's For Little Girls' - a 'signature tune' that Chevalier 'himself' performed in the Oscar-Winning musical 'Gigi' - 1956, (check out the 1952 version directed by John Huston - where Jose Ferrer - 'Mr Rosemary Clooney' portrays Toulouse Lautrec) features Leslie Caron & Louis Jourdan & also directed by Vincent Minnelli - aka Mr Judy Garland - & also the daughter of Liza.

The movie itself has 'great set-pieces' including editing & also the 'sheer brilliance' of superior camera-work as well - including 'a spectacular opening -which is similar to 'The Big Red One' - released in 1980 & directed by Samuel Fuller & like this is beautifully shot in a 'monochrome black & white' piece which involves the 1917 - WWI trenches in Northern France where our young hero devises 'a strategy' to help the Allied Forces reclaim the land against the Central Powers & we also get to see how he got 'his trademark moustache'.

However, i'm also sure that he'll soon be portraying the biopic story of Herbert Horatio Kitchener - The 1st Earl Kitchener- who was also an Irish-born British Army Officer & who during the 'First World War' became 'the poster boy' who gave hope to millions of people wanting 'to join up in the services' just because that 'Your Country Needs You' ! - but let's also just say that this has a dash of 'The English Patient' featuring Ralph Fiennes, Kristen Scott-Thomas & Juliette Binoche as well - but also the fact that his 'trademark of his moustache' has shades of spending an idyllic 'summer's afternoon in the company of Salvador Dali - a 'surreal artist', however, at the end of the day you could say that both Kitchener & Poirot are simply twin-brothers but in a completely different eras of our time.

This film is exciting watching many actors performing various different accents to which I have experienced since I first saw Russell Crowe portray the legendary outlaw 'Robin Hood' in Ridley Scott 's 'legendary epic' -the 2010 version - however Crowe's performance as the outlaw speaks various mixtures of 'dialects' - which include Scouse, Yorkshire, Brummie & even Geordie - amongst many others.

Scott, by the way, also produced 'Murder On The Orient Express' - the 2017 version & he's also on producing this follow-up 2022 version of 'Death On The Nile' as well.

So to sum up, this new version 'which is classed as 2022, but was actually completed in 2019', 'three years earlier' - due to the Pandemic - aka Covid-19 - is greater than ever & also better before & includes 'a spectacular shot of Giza & the Egyptian pyramids' which is 'simply classed as breathtaking' - the performances by all involved are great & 'the set-pieces' are classed as spectacular, however this would be classed as a Sunday afternoon treat & one that you could even invite your grandmother to to experience the epic mysteries of Egypt on the big screen.

Think of this as 'A Slow Boat To China' meets 'A Life On The Ocean Wave' - but I would prefer to call it as 'A Leisurely Cruise Down The Manchester Ship Canal on an 'epic daytrip to Liverpool'- starting out from Salford Docks & passing many landmarks of the canal, on board the cruise-liner & enjoying many beautiful sceneries on an epic journey with the likes of Granny Ridgeway who happens to be a fan of both Dame Margaret Rutherford and also Dame Angela Lansbury as she's into 'murder mysteries' because let's face it - she's an addictive fan - and who's enjoying 'an early birthday milestone 60th 'birthday treat' for her ever-loving daughter & that she's paid for in advance & that both 'her daughter' as well 'as herself' are also both enjoying the epic cruise to Liverpool - but that she's also 'living the dream' as a 'daytripper tourist' but also experiencing the epic journey bumping into the likes of Judith 'Miss Piggy' Chalmers & reminiscing about 'The Good Old Days'- with Hyacinth ('Bouquet') Bucket, who's also 'onboard' the 'epic cruise journey' for company.

Because after a while that - 'You'll Be Saying To Yourself That You'll Wish That You Were Somewhere Else' - that she's obviously enjoying herself so much in fact because she's overdosed herself with many 'bottles of various world-class sherries' - bought from a 'well-known supermarket' that she's so drunk -she's fallen over like 'the Blackpool Tower' & that she's performing songs that are 'so bad' from the soundtrack of 'Dirty Dancing' - her all-time favourite movie & also acting like 'a baby in her favourite corner so good that she can't even remember 'whilst screaming at the top of her voice saying 'No-one Puts Baby In The Corner' like a 'worn-out cabbage-patch doll' & also that she's having ''The Time Of Her Life'' because she 'overwhelmed' by the surprise of the experience simply because the memories last longer than 'a cheap out of date battery' that you simply bought from the 'local pound shop' - & its isn't just because that - at the end of the day - it's the thought 'about the birthday gift' - specifically 'for her daughter' that counts - after all. - because it's what she likes - but most importantly of all - she'll thank you for it - 'very graciously' indeed.

So whatever you do - Don't Miss This Epic Adventure Cruise & Strap Yourselves In For The Ride Of Your Life For This Is An Epic Of A Cruise - That You'll Experience For The Rest Of Your Life & in the words of Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter - 'Brace Yourselves'.

Try Not To Go Overboard & Above All - Stay Safe !

David M.G.Mitchell

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