DEATH IS EASY. LIFE IS HARD.

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I hate to say this but at this point, suicide is an option. I can’t keep living this way. I want to blame my parents for how my life turned out. Blame God too, why not?

Damn! How did I get here, ended up like a scrub. I have been awake all night thinking about my life and where to go from here. How am I going to pay my debts next week, creditors are threatening to take me to the police? I will be turning 30 years old and my life is a total failure.

How did I get here?

Well, yesterday I was fired from my fourth job and realized I had no savings and my girlfriend is 7 months pregnant. I do know how I got myself into this mess so I am going back to Kitwe and live with my uncle. I do not know how to survive this, I need help but who cares! Man, Life in Lusaka is tough, I just don’t see how I can make it here.

Kitwe is a small place, it is full of jerabos, civil servants, and white-collar guys. I have lived my life there, I know that apart from the shelter and food from my uncle, there is nothing for me. Let us get real here, how long is it going to take for the Big man to get fade up and frustrated keeping a grown man? Not too long, I need to make it, I have to make it.

My parents died when I was in grade 9 in a road accident, just before the exam. After their death everything changed. As a first-born child it became my responsibility to take care of my siblings, so I dropped out of Primary school and started doing odd jobs to survive. My uncle took us in but he said I should continue working since he didn’t have money to take me back to school.

Do not judge me, I work hard I mean really hard. My last job was the definition of working hard, I worked in construction. I was part of the construction company from Nigeria, worked as a general worker. Offloading bags of cement from the truck, fixing tiles and sometimes night duties on site.

Barely had time to rest having only a day off during the week, I had to reach the site every day at 6:00Hrs otherwise they wouldn’t allow me to work if I was late by a minute. We used to knock off at 19Hours every day.

We did the Kenneth Kaunda International Airport, Society Business Park, Levy Junction Mall and the last project is a contract with the government. Anyways, it was with the government until the UPND cancelled the contract. The Boss said he can’t afford paying us anymore, he wants to leave the country.

A few months ago, I failed to get out of bed, my body was hurt. It was weird this was the first time I experienced such a bizarre thing. I tried getting up until I realized something is wrong. I tried everything I could but nothing happened, not even my fingers moved. My girlfriend rushed to the bedroom when she heard me scream, Fu*k!

My girlfriend was asking questions I can’t answer, “???????? ???????’?? ??????????, ????? ?????? ?????? ?????????????”. I didn’t have the strength to say a word. I could see that she was worried. I stuttered, ????-??????, ?? ?????????? ???? ???? ???????? ?????? ????, ?????????????????? ???? ?????????? ?? ??????’?? ???????? ??????????. She started crying as well.

She booked a yango to the University Teaching Hospital, this was an emergency. I was taken to a private ward where the Doctors advised that my spine was severely damaged and that lifting heavy loads will make me paralyzed for life. I was given a wheelchair.

Construction is what I do. I need the ability to carry heavy loads, it feeds my family and takes care of my siblings. This is who I am but now it has been taken away. How am I going to survive?

I couldn’t control my tears when I heard the news, I hate this feeling of helplessness. God, what have I done to deserve this? If am not working who will take care of my siblings? I have a baby on the way! Fu*k!

As if this wasn’t enough, the Boss called me later during the day to check up on me, at least that is what I thought. Instead, he called to say goodbye and told me to get my last check from a colleague.

This is not how I thought my life would be at 30. I just want the ground to swallow me because am done.