Dear Students: On Expecting, Accepting, and Taking Action: What to Do with Disappointment

In life, disappointment is inevitable.

In experience, not every outcome will be in your favor.

In capitalist systems, not everything will be equitable.

These realities show up whether it’s a group project where you end up doing all the work; recruitment events that go awry; and one-after-another employment applications that get rejected.? Knowing these occurrences are going to happen, I’m here to provide some cushion and reflection for when, not if, they do. “But I did everything right.” “I met all the criteria.” “I paid the fees, perfected my pitch, and polished my resume.”

There are so many factors beyond your control that are stronger than your resume and your pitch. Your preparation influences the outcome, but it is not the sole determinant of the outcome.

Imagine buying a new-to-you car. You educate yourself on the safety features of the vehicle; You research market value and identify your price; you rehearse your negotiation strategy; you get it checked out by two mechanics; you go for multiple test drives and even speak to other owners of the same make and model. You do all the right things and make all the right moves before showing up to make your investment. Finally, you buy the car, and because you’re a boss, you get it for less than you planned to pay! (Go you!) ?

Then, on the way home, you stop at your favorite coffee shop to celebrate with your car’s first Pumpkin Spice Latte. As you pull into a parking spot, you hear a horrendous scraping sound. Immediately, you know the front of your new car has gone over a wheel stop. You have no other choice but to undo the harm with more harm. You slowly ease backward to remove your car from the concrete barrier, only to attract the same scraping sound again. Once you gather yourself and inspect the damage, gratefully, you observe minor scraping that is only visible to your eye and damaging to your feelings. ?Functionally, all is still well, and you make a mental note to remember those curb stops in the future.? While inside awaiting your latte, another car decides to take up space not meant for them by parking far too close to you. You don’t know this because you are busy enjoying the aroma of coffee beans and fall, and debating on if you need another reusable coffee mug (since this one has a ghost holding a coffee cup- who doesn’t need a coffee mug with a ghost holding a coffee cup?). Unbeknownst to you, the passenger of the new arrival pops out of their car and swings their door open far too widely, which leads to an immediate dent and paint scrape to your brand-new door. Realizing what they’ve done, this car immediately pulls back out and instead, pulls into a new parking space to mask any evidence connecting them to the crime. Moments later you exit the shop, warm happiness-in-hand, and you immediately spot the dent.? Befuddled, you look around thinking, “How could this have happened!?” And yet, it did. You slide into your seat and think to yourself, “Should I have gone through the drive-thru instead? Should I have not stopped here at all? This is my fault.”? As you sit there, you notice a gray and white blob splattered on your windshield and hood. No. Just, no.? So your brand-new car got pooped on, too!?!? ?Yep. It did. You sit in silence, not sure if you want to laugh at the absurdity or cry in frustration. Here's the reality. The dents on your door, the scrapes on the bumper, and the poop on the windshield are not your fault. You did everything right when investing in the car by maximizing all the actions and steps that were within your control.? However, you know what was not in your control? External factors and human (and animal) behavior. ?I’m here to tell you that you can do everything right, and things still don’t go the way you hoped. Read that again: You can do everything right, and things still don’t go the way you hoped.

Recruitment season is upon us, and I see you sending out all the applications, attending all the recruitment events, and networking like you’re running for President. These are smart preparation steps. You are doing everything right! But sadly, I also see you taking all the dents, scrapes, and poop, personally, which also happen to be the things that are not within your control. ?

If you recently attended a recruitment event that felt inequitable, unfair, and possibly even unsafe, please know that was not your fault. You were investing in YOU, but you couldn’t control others in your space. You did not do anything wrong, but the dings sure do hurt.?

If you have sent out 50+ applications for internships or FT roles, only to be ghosted or rejected, that is also not your fault. That could be a consequence of economic uncertainty, head counts, and possibly just poor talent engagement behavior on the part of a company. These are wheel stops you can’t control and you can’t always see. You, nor your vision, are the problem. ?

Finally, I once heard a saying I have never forgotten: “Sometimes you’re the statue, sometimes you’re the pigeon.” This saying is funny, frustrating, and above all, true. If you are getting pooped on, dinged, and facing bumps, it’s because you are showing up! You are there! You are taking up space, making your presence known, and having your voice heard! You are investing in yourself! Good. For. You!?

However, at the risk of trending toward toxic positivity, I want to acknowledge that the bumps hurt, the scrapes do cut, and the poop is humiliating. Those feelings are valid. Therefore, I’d like to offer some strategies you can apply when dealing with disappointment:

·???????? Disconnect from socials. During recruiting season, it may seem like your timeline is flooded with those who are not getting bumped, scraped, or pooped on.? Good for them, but also, take care of you.? It’s OK to step away from socials.? The same posts and announcements will be there when you come back.

·???????? Go outside- outside of yourself, that is. Involve yourself in work and activities that feed your soul, but that aren’t connected to work or school. Think about what you loved to do before the competitiveness of school took over, or before your resume became your identity. ?Who was that person? Were they a curious chef? A dabbling dancer? A crafty creator? Reconnect with the things outside by welcoming them back inside.

·???????? Get in (good) trouble.? Find something you are passionate about and make noise about it. Does that mean sending an email, scheduling a meeting, creating a platform, using your voice? Whatever it is, do i!.? The funny thing about power is that power begets power.? Think about it, when you plug in your phone, you are using power to generate more power. Young adults often underestimate the power they have. Once you start making power moves, you’ll find fresh confidence and even more power to continue!

·???????? Talk about it. Talk about the dents, the scrapes, and the poop. Talk to a mentor, a counselor, a loved one, friends, family, community, anyone. When you talk about it, you’ll find that you’re not alone and your power bank gets stronger and stronger.

·???????? Get over regret. Instead of saying, “I should haven’t stopped for the latte,” remind yourself how good that latte was and how much you deserved it.? The latte was not the problem. You are not the problem. Your investments are not the problem.? The systems are the problem.

So, go enjoy that latte, keep enjoying that latte, and know that you are not the problem! (Also, buy the mug).