DEAR MEN – LET’S TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS

I unexpectedly found myself crying in front of a group the other day.? I was speaking about leadership and one topic was the need for a positive perspective.? This is a simple but powerful lesson my father taught me during his battle with cancer.? I shared that both of my parents had been gone for many years, both passed while I was still in my thirties.? Then I told them about my wife Cheryl who is dealing with stage four lung cancer.? I’ve shared versions of this story for a few years now when speaking live in-person, but not so often online like this.? Anyway, I got choked up for a minute but thankfully regained control quickly and continued.?

It's hard for anyone, especially men, to be honest about tough emotions.? Certainly, men face this challenge more often than women.? I’m not sure why (genetic lottery I suppose), but I’m pretty good at this skill.? For example, I cry easily.? A dramatic movie, a great song, a tough situation in life, even singing auditions on television talent shows – they all regularly move me to tears.? I’m not particularly proud or embarrassed about this.? I was born this way.? I am a capable, but thankfully never problematic, crier.

Because this ability is less common among men, it has put me in a position to help other men (and a few ladies!) through writing and speaking.? Over the years, I’ve come to understand that the way I handle talking about tough issues often empowers others to stop avoiding them.? I’ve met many people after gigs who come up to say hello and share a story with me.? Some are crying, other are trying not to cry.? A majority are men.? I feel honored to facilitate these moments, even if some of them are awkward.

Another way this ability has helped me is by awakening me to understanding other challenging emotions.? That includes anxiety, fear, shame, self-confidence and self-loathing, elation, and more.? How I recognize these emotions, think about them, and often, use them has improved over the years.? I can’t prove it scientifically, but I think that my ability to cry – and be okay with crying – was instrumental in helping me develop a broader understanding of emotional intelligence in general.?

There is some irony in sharing all of this with you.? My wife Cheryl is one of those somewhat odd females who rarely cries!? I feel confident that sitting next to me on the couch for so long pushed her to open up a little.? When we first started seeing each other, I never saw her cry.? We did talk about deep and difficult things at times, but I saw no tears.? Year by year, that has changed.? She will never be a blustering tear factory like me, but I do see her cry monthly at this point due to life circumstances, great movies, etc.? I love knowing that she’s not bottling things up full time any longer.? She refers to the bottling up of emotions as “processing” things.? Men call it shoving your emotions down and keeping them down until you die! [FYI – Cheryl is my rough draft first reader for this newsletter.? I put words on a page, and she points out the grammar issues, anything confusing, flow issues, etc.? She approved this newsletter.]

Men – you should know that crying does not make you less of a man.? You can still be tough, able, in control, and passionate about manly things (whatever that means to you).? Not to mention it lifts a very real burden when you let the emotions out.? It makes you a somewhat better decision maker too since you’re less cluttered with difficult to understand emotions.? It reminds me of the issue of leaders making mistakes and hoping nobody knows about them or talks about them.? They very often fear that others will lose confidence in them if they are seen to be imperfect.? Silly!? We’re all imperfect.? If you’re openly talking about your mistakes and imperfections all the time, sure, that might make you look very odd.? If, however, you’re sharing comments and stories about mistakes a few times each year to reinforce a sense of authenticity, that’s golden.? You are helping others see you as human and approachable, not just competent and in charge.? It’s the same for crying.? As long as it’s more rare than common it basically rounds out and enhances your profile as a human, not the opposite.

So, what is my prescription?? Good news fellas, you don’t have to go to work this week and kick off a meeting by crying about something.? I’m confident this would not go well.? They might even revoke your man card.? I believe in an incremental approach to embracing this topic.? Keep in mind, there is no perfect approach, and you will have to work to find the one that fits you.? The goal, however, is clear – gain comfort and skill with appropriately showing your emotions. ?

Consider the following process:

Step one, start private and by yourself.? Think about the promotion you did not get.? The client you upset.? That strained relationship with your sibling.? The passing of one of your parents.? I’m confident there is some topic causing you a good bit of inner angst.? Find a place you can be alone.? Yell, scream, and cry.? Think about how much it’s unpleasant.? Think about how they bother you.? How much you miss them.? How much your regret or feel good about things that happened.? At this phase, you’re simply trying to stimulate and release emotions.?

Next, try speaking with a trusted other (e.g., spouse or partner, best friend, coach, therapist).? Again, be honest, attempt to let the emotion out.? Don’t censor.? When they ask a question or try to comfort you, use the opportunity to continue, don’t use it as a reason to shut down.? Over time, you’ll learn to regulate how much you share and how to moderate this effort.? It’s a skill like any other and you can learn it.?

The next level is a public acknowledgement of an emotion you’re experiencing without actually experiencing it in front of everyone.? Talk about how a situation made you uncomfortably angry, or made you cry, or made you shut down due to embarrassment.? Sometimes just admitting these things can trigger an actual emotional response, so know this and be ready, as I was during the speech I mentioned earlier.? Whether it triggers you or not, this step allows you to gain comfort safely confronting important emotional issues publicly.? Now you’re a leader really beginning to model the way.

Finally, maybe, you’re ready to cry! ?Or not. That might suit you or it might feel like too much. That’s perfectly okay.? You don’t have to cry.? You can talk more about it, you can tell others that it’s natural to experience these issues, you can validate them by just being honest.? Try to temper any heavier comments or admissions with a few heartfelt positive moments, and you’ll be just fine.? Simply engaging this process pushes forward.? It’s an evolution.? Soon you will start to gain awareness, comfort, and skill with other challenging emotions.? It’s not just about crying!? It’s about emotional management in general.?

Here’s my promise to the men (and all the rest of you).? With quality trial and error, you will grow emotional skills.? You will experience the feeling of being less burdened, having more mental clarity, and more comfort with the reality of emotions.? They simply won’t surprise you as much.? Others will notice this – that’s when it becomes easier to talk to others about these issues more regularly.? Hey, next thing you know you might be telling a heartfelt story to a group of people when a few tears seep into your speech.? You’ll be ready.? You’ll handle it with care.? You’ll allow it to increase the impact of your message.? No?? Maybe that’s just me.? Nonetheless, I’m confident you’ll find your own new, more productive path forward with emotions.? You must.? You have no choice.? If you keep bottling them up, eventually you’ll explode.?

WHAT’S UP WITH DR. D?

As I alluded to earlier, I just returned from Detroit, a city I’ve visited a few times, but have yet to actually explore.? #goals? It really was a fun gig.? I learned that Ford uses LinkedIn Learning and that several people in the audience had consumed some of my courses.? That always makes me happy, and it reminds me that I need to tell all of you that if your organization likes my educational content, give me a shout the next time you’re planning an event – I’m an even better live in-person speaker!? I need to make a post about this.? Last comment, a slight brag:? you might recall that my granddaughter lives with us while she’s attending high school.? Haylee loves volleyball but has only played in local recreational leagues so far and has not played at all for two years.? She really wanted to try out for her high school but had reservations.? We of course encouraged her to try.? The process was difficult, but she just made the Junior Varsity squad!? I think this will provide a big boost to her confidence – so cool.? Finally, Cheryl and I are taking Pax, Park, and Haylee to see Deadpool and Wolverine tonight.? Judge me if you must, but I bet we laugh a lot!

Until next time – go learn something, maybe help someone, or at least do something interesting!

My courses:? https://www.dhirubhai.net/learning/instructors/todd-dewett

My books:? https://tinyurl.com/yvwuvmaw

Me on stage:? https://bit.ly/3EfcDSb

Book me:? https://bit.ly/3WHeRB0?

All links in one place:?https://linktr.ee/drdewett.