Dear January 1st, 2023

I am sitting here in the woods in occidental, and it’s a bright sunny day. I wanted to spend time reflecting on 2022. Maybe as a release, a way to move on and shed the skin built up with the 2022 experiences. While I know I have changed because of the situations I was in in 2022, I do realize the importance of not carrying all of that baggage into 2023.?

I experienced illness, loss, grief, abundance, joy, release, freedom, connections, and insights into new industries.?

It was also when I felt truly alone for the first time in my life. I went days without taking some time and settled down with nothing but my thoughts. It broke me, confused me, elevated me, and then just like that, the thoughts vanished. I had nothing more to share, to think….

Have you ever experienced sitting with a mind that is not thinking anything? Have you sat with a mind that is silent and throbbing with the sounds of emptiness? It is the best thing in the world. In the last 34 years of my life, I never experienced this joy. The joy that brings tears to your eyes. The joy that makes you breathe more internally and tell you how ‘ALIVE’ you are. The joy which exists just because. No special occasion, celebration, or external stimulus caused it.

I don’t know why people say loneliness and emptiness are wrong because this is where I have experienced the natural freedom of surrender and the power of not letting the world's situation harden me. I experienced new softness, a constant flux of energy instead of the rollercoaster of?‘tumultuous bad’ or ‘happiness of being on top of the world's good days’.?

I realized how tired my body was in 2022, and it was only in my control to honestly allow it to heal, thrive and grow. I busted the bucket list myth, stopped the chase, and essentially surrendered to the fragility that I possess. My body is destructible, so is my work, and so are my mind and emotions.?

So why am I chasing anything anymore? What if I just let it be? The ‘I’ and “ME’ had driven me into many tags.?

Some days the immigrant who…..

On other days a Woman entrepreneur who….

On other days I was defined by my ideology, the people I talk to, my opinions, the books I read, the shows I watch, what I choose to wear, and how I share or don’t share something…..

And I realized that these caused the small bursts of fire within me previously to keep going the same way, but harder, more determination, more hustle, more, more and more. Because it was never enough for who I was right now. The ‘I’ wanted more. It always does. Every year, giving it another goal to chase to feel a sense of ‘worth’. Being perceived in a certain way. The certain thrill of getting a bit of recognition and then moving on from that recognition because the temporary dopamine hit isn’t enough. Chase the high, chase the goal, chase……

So in 2023, I am leaving behind this energy of 2022. I have no ‘Word of the year’. My mind, body, and soul intuitively know what I need to thrive. Yes, the intention is essential. But I will keep the ‘chase’ separate from ‘intention’. I will ask several times through my body and mindful introspection if what I am going towards still needs to be reached.?

I am leaving behind the ‘Expectation of my perception’. The thing is, I have been hard on myself. Forget the world, and I have been in a fight with how my body looks, how my hair frizzes out, and how I don’t just pursue one thing at a time. Honestly, I am so scared of that judgmental voice in my head. So dear voice, you can say things in that dark abyss where I come no more.?

I am leaving the notion to be correct. The rights and wrongs have been decided by society, and honestly, even after 34 years, I wasn’t able to find the right ‘Right’, you know what I mean. So everybody would eventually be wrong. I am ok with gray. I like that color. We are all flawed, and that makes us all beautiful. So if your ideology differs from mine, I have no right to judge or point fingers.?

There was once a poet and saint in india called Kabir who said,?

Bura jo dekhan main chala, Bura na miliya koy,

Jo dil khoja aapana, Mujhase bura na koy.

English Translation: When I went searching for evil in this world, I could not find anything bad. When I looked into my mind, I found that there is nothing worse than me.

I will only focus on what is within me.?

So dear 2023, let’s live it a day at a time or a week, or a season. I am here with a silent mind, an open heart, and a surrendering body.?