Dear Future Me...

Can you believe that there was a moment in time that I had fathomed in my mind that our paths would never cross?

Because the young girl in me had envisioned herself in another predicament…one where your existence should not have never been created… I truly believed in my heart that I could never become you…

On the 3rd of January 2013 a day I remember so distinctively it was the day my matric results were made public…

Its important to remind you all that I come from a time where your matric results were printed on the local newspaper with your name and symbols attached to it.

It is truly a blessing that the Department of Education has rescinded this manner of displaying the matric results because that pressure alone was enough to send any matriculant to experience heightened levels of anxiety and depression...??

That pressure alone could have possibly been the causality of the increased number of students suicides that were recorded around that timeframe.

Now another important fact to reiterate is that I was born in 1994 I am what you considered the first generation of South African “Born- Frees” and for whatever reason the media really hyped up the anticipation of this generation’s matric pass rate that year.??

Do you remember the night before the matric results came out, how insomnia crept like a thief in the night robbing us from any form of sleep...

We had intentionally switched off our cell phone that night as we didn’t want to receive any calls or notifications…

I guess that method didn’t work because it didn’t stop our family and friends from purchasing the newspaper midnight to see if we had passed or not…

My mother disruptively “woke” me up… “bathi upase ngo B”- translation (They said you passed with a B symbol.”)

A sigh of relief met which was quickly was met with dread… “Abantu bazothini syndrome”- translation (What are people going to say syndrome).

I had predicted my symbol, but Maths I knew quite well that I had failed that?? it would be only a matter of time before it was revealed to me and my family just how badly…

The crazy buzz that morning did not make my situation feel any better, it did not help that loud celebratory screams of other matriculants in my grandmother’s neighbourhood could be heard miles away.??

I had failed my Maths dismally and because of that, no university wanted to touch me…to make matters even worse I had no backup plan whatsoever…

When I said failed…I mean I had received 32% for Maths and 16% for Maths Paper 3????

"How is that possible did you not attend the top girls’ school in Grahamstown?"

You would have to offer me a book deal chile if you really want to know the tea!????

I was confused and embarrassed and had disappointed everyone with my dismal results.

Future me can you believe that at one point in time I really believed that this was the end of the world for me…

Surely the naivety of being an 18-year-old thought in that way.

The same thinking that has created the alarming statistics that show that 9% of all teenage deaths in South Africa are a result of suicide!

People wake up we are losing our children!

So, you wondering what was my next career move?

I took a “gap year” no I was not planning to go overseas to teach English in China or to volunteer for some fancy non- profit organization travelling the world to "save the hungry African children brigade"

I had decided to improve my Maths and Physical Science and rewrite in December that year.

Now I must mention an important fact that gap years are often frowned upon in black families because of the fear that if a child is not in university, they are not learning nor developing themselves in becoming a productive being of society.

However, what people fail to reiterate that a confused child that is sent to university also has the means of being directionless, unpassionate, and not driven because of the expectation to perform and not really having the answer as to “why”.

We are told to study and the end goal is the job that follows the grind but even that is not guaranteed these days…??

It’s what we aspire to a mere occupation and not a career, we lack mentors and can’t rely on our parent’s social capital to guide us…

We don't follow up on the resources that are made available to us and then we are all up in arms when a child changes degrees 3 times and just isn't performing to our expectations...

My “gap year” was far from glamorous I felt uninspired, directionless, dejected, unmotivated and still clueless about what I wanted to study.??

What I now know for sure is that “gaps years” are meant to be planned for- they are not mere coincidences or a misfortune like my situation they are usually more intentional …

Perhaps now, looking back I regret not taking advantage of this “gap year” and utilizing it as an opportunity to really experiment with ideas??, to work??, to discover?? who I was and explore possible career fields or even do some job shadowing.

That would have created some new lessons and experiences that I would have utilized to search out possibilities on what was out there for me to pursue, as well as to test how I could learn and find an industry that would suit my demeanour and personality.

Instead, I became comfortable, and often found myself scrolling on my social media timeline, did I mention that my Facebook feed was infested with the hashtag #varsity life entourage I was so envious of those students!????

But more than anything I was personally frustrated with myself, how could I have allowed myself to be in this position?

Am I a failure?

Because I sure felt like one...

The world was continuously reminding me and punishing me for my mistakes, if not the snarky remarks from certain family members, it was the #hashtag varsity life entourage on my social media feed.

I was depressed and disappointed in myself immensely…

Nevertheless, I know I had to get through that phase in my life to reach where I am today.

I cannot imagine the feeling of not seeing your name on the newspaper, everyone having the front row seat in witnessing your failure…????

How often do we forget about those matriculants???

No one seems to talk about them or pay mind to them instead we place them at the back burner as we shine light to brightest minds on SABC 1…

My matric story led me closer to you “Future me” even in that the midst of disappointment and failure its where my career story began.

Today I have the privilege of developing the top graduates in the South Africa, I don’t think my graduates realize the joy they bring me... I literally bare witness to the future industry leaders and CEOs it is a truly remarkable sight??

In short "Future Me" I became you and you are now me…

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