Dear Dr Doyle #9

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Dear Dr Doyle, a freelancer I work with regularly recently changed their email signature to have they/them pronouns. I want to be supportive. What should I do??

The honest answer is: nothing dramatic. Follow their lead on it. If you’re not sure that they’re rolling those pronouns out consistently i.e. with long-running clients or whatever, then ask them directly which pronouns they want you to use when you work with X.

If you notice that other people aren’t doing it then it’s worth checking if your colleague needs a hand spreading the word or whether they’d like it to just be a slow process and are content with the pace.

Everyone has their own way of doing things so it’s always best to take their lead.

You certainly don’t need to send them a congrats email. But you could put your pronouns in your email signature if you haven't already.

The best thing you can do for them is just use their pronouns until told otherwise.

- Enya

Dear Dr Doyle, this may sound self-indulgent. It’s my birthday next week. I love cooking and baking and usually bring in a cake for my small team to celebrate our birthdays. However, we’ve recently hired a Muslim guy in our team who is observing Ramadan and I don't know what the best thing to do is - I want to be respectful. Help!

Hiya!

OK - let's start with the good news. You've paused to have a think about the impact on your Muslim colleague. I'm never done being amazed at how often this DOESN'T happen.

If I’m being brutally honest, don’t bring in a cake? You could celebrate your birthday (at work) in a way that doesn’t impact upon your colleague, e.g. party hats or balloons or decorations.?And have cake at home.

Alternatively, you could still bring in cake/cupcakes and do something at the end of the work day, closer to sunset and give them cake to take home with them, thereby still involving them. I'd let them know in advance what you’re planning to do and ask them for their preference.

You obviously know your colleague better than I do, so I'm not sure whether they'd be up for my final suggestion: you could ask them if they'd like to co-host Iftar (the meal in which Muslims break their fast when the sun's set) with you for your team? Ramadan is a time for focus on togetherness so it might be a perfect solution. But it might be also his worst nightmare (if he's an introvert or hates cooking or for a thousand other reasons to do with personal preference).

The one thing you ought not to do is to ask your colleague if it's OK for you to have cake at lunchtime with the rest of your small team, without him. Even if he says yes, you have got other options which are more inclusive.

The Muslim Council of Britain released a guide to Ramadan for readers looking for further advice.

All the best,

E

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