Dear Diary, Why Are You Empty?

You know how most of the advice we hear about self care involve exercising, journaling, and taking breaks?

I spent my life trying to incorporate these practices into my daily routine so that I can achieve some sort of inner balance.

but I usually feel more frazzled and unfulfilled after each session.

I felt like the odd one for decades - why am I angrier and more frustrated after a workout? Why does journaling feel like that English class essay where we ramble on with semi-coherence just to meet the required word count? Why do I spend my break thinking about all the things I need to do after the break?

During my battle against burnout I finally realized that these techniques simply do not impact me the way they have helped others.

and that's okay.

In my last therapy session before I lost my health insurance (see Part 3 for the reason why), my counselor told me to keep a journal and to write down all of my thoughts and feelings.

I was dealing with a lot of traumatic memories at the time. Some nights I would get stuck in a dream loop so realistic that when I eventually woke up from it I would have a complete root cause analysis and recovery plan ready to submit to nowhere.

To help alleviate some of this, I picked up a journal designed for processing traumatic experiences. Inside this workbook I was asked to write my trauma down in as much details as possible - the goal of this is to practice thinking and talking about the event like any other, and to learn to reframe and modify the experience in a safe and holistic way (For those who are interested, this is called Written Exposure Therapy).

So one sunny day I sat down at my desk and opened up the journal. I picked up my favorite fountain pen and started writing. I wrote about the people involved, what they looked like, what they were wearing. I wrote about where I was; the breeze from central air conditioning, the fading markers inside the conference room, the distance I tried to keep to protect my safety.

With each word my hands shook a little bit more, and with each sentence I felt a fire refusing to be smothered.

The anger, the sadness, the helplessness all came rushing from the tip of my pen back into my being.

No matter how quickly my hand flew across the page, my frustrations continued to pile up from being unable to spill out my thoughts fast enough.

I felt more distressed than before.

My first and only entry was dated September 1, 2022. The journal is currently gathering dust in a quiet corner of my home.

I needed to find a different way to bring myself back to equilibrium. I twirled my pen and drew circles on a piece of Post-It.

At some point it occurred to me that I could doodle my thoughts and feelings. It's faster than writing, and coloring is therapeutic for me.

And that's how my art journey began!

I started an art account on Instagram and have been regularly posting my doodles and prose on a daily basis.

I found a lot of calm and joy through expressing my creativity, and have met so many wonderful people from around the world because of it.

Suddenly life became once again a pool of possibilities.

I followed a single path for a very long time, because I was told to.

Every time I tried to explore a hidden alleyway or wander off-trail, my logical voice called me back.

I measured myself against milestones of my forebears, paced along the achievements of my peers,

and I never knew what it means to truly do something for myself.

but I know now, and I will thrive because of it.

-------------------------- # To Be Continued # --------------------------

This is Part 4 of my on-going series about Mental Health.

Follows and Reposts are much appreciated.

Questions for You:

• What is a common self-care technique that doesn't work for you?
• ... and what is one that really helps?
• How would you describe the feeling you experience when you are doing something you enjoy?

Take Home This:

There is no standard formula for emotional and spiritual recovery. We each heal and grow at our own pace, under unique conditions that encourage change.

Trying out common methods and wisdoms is a great starting point when it comes to self improvement, but there is also value in creative experiments. Sometimes what works for someone else may not work for us.

Even if we are in a great place and are satisfied with everything in our lives, it is still a good idea to find and nurture your hobbies. Being able to lean on different versions of ourselves help strengthen our overall wellness and confidence.

Keeping you all in my heart.

With Love,

Katrine