Dear Diary, I've Still Got Room to Grow

I bet you had seen the last of me. Surprised? I am. To be honest, the last couple of weeks I thought about just giving up this little blog endeavor. I felt overwhelmed. Then, I received some critical feedback I wasn’t expecting.

I tend to be the type of person who is “all in.” You’ve heard before if there’s some sort of missing piece or gap, I love to throw myself at it. It’s these big-picture, creative, problem-solving pieces that give my work life. But, if the impossible pursuit of perfection is what’s driving me, I know I’ve got my blinders on the little pieces that matter. I can’t possibly do it all, and no one is asking me to. If I close my computer at 5:00 p.m., the organization will still be running tomorrow. Plus my boss if offline, so who am I impressing? It's time for me to reprioritize my to-do list and dig the small things out of the hole big picture thinking sometimes digs.

I can’t remember if this was something I read by Brené or in Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, but basically the author was talking about her parenting style and that she’s open to receiving feedback, owning up to mistakes, and redirecting the course. She described admitting to her child that her actions might not be perfect, because this is the first time she’s ever been a parent of a teen or this is the first time she’s been a parent in this situation. So, she will make mistakes, and hopes that there’s grace to catch her if/when something goes wrong.

I thought about that after I received that critical feedback today.

I tend to be the person married to my work. My performance in school and work has always been the top priority for me, and my self-worth is unfortunately tied to it. I feel really good when I’m bruised and busted and come out triumphant on the other side. Can you tell I’m a bit competitive? But I’m getting lost in the big picture and losing sight of the small things. I’m getting bogged down in process development and letting that stress influence the way I show up for others. I’m making sure we show up with the “best” deliverable by just doing it myself. If I stay on this track, I will get burnt out. I don’t want that to be the way I show up to my work, my colleagues, or what I bring home to my family.

This is the very first time in my life I’ve ever been a manager. This is the very first time I’ve had the opportunity to pursue bigger-picture ideas. The very first time I’ve had to determine someone else’s goals, direction, and provide feedback as a manager. It’s not easy, and I’ve made some mistakes in this transition. That doesn’t make me the wrong person for the job, but it does mean that it’s time for growth. Now don’t get me wrong. I think the healthy pursuit of challenging, complex goals is a worthwhile endeavor, but my work family wants to see me reach my goals in a way that doesn’t require me to dim the spark inside me. I love and appreciate that they are looking out for me in this way.

Was this feedback easy to receive? No, not at all. When you take your job this seriously, it’s hard to be reminded that that mindset is unhealthy and unsuccessful. But, I thank my team for looking out for me and am really grateful I have so many great examples surrounding me. Anyhoo, it’s Friday, and I’m off to spend time with my family. Stay tuned for the ways I grow into a healthy leader. I got this!