Afraid to Commit

Dear Dharma,

I have often wondered about loving oneself and awareness. I am terrified of getting into a relationship, so I avoid pain by avoiding relationships. But I end up creating more pain for myself that way, and I often find myself in bad situations. How can I achieve a level of self-esteem where I am open to new relationships?

Sincerely, 

Afraid to Commit

Dear Afraid to Commit,

I think your insight that commitment to relationship entails making oneself vulnerable to the pain of loss is true, but feeling alone in the world, without loving connections to kin or friends or partners, is also painful. We make the choice, whenever we make someone dear to us, of risking the pain of loss. I think it is our awareness that meaningful personal connections sustain us and our awareness that our connections are contingent on circumstances beyond our power to control that make us cherish them so much. Strong personal relationships are the pathway to experiencing the impartial care and concern for all beings that the Buddha mandates in the Metta Sutta: “Just as a mother would give her life to protect her only child, so should we with a boundless heart cherish all living beings.” We understand or work out by instinct that everyone who is invested in a loving relationship cherishes that relationship as much as we do ours, and we empathically respond with goodwill.

The fact that you included self-esteem concerns in your question reminds me of an exchange I heard several years ago at a conference between the Dali Lama and an American psychotherapist. The therapist had mentioned what she felt was endemic low self-esteem in her clients. His Holiness, genuinely surprised, exclaimed, “But that’s a mistake. Every individual is precious!” His response, however touching it is, does not obviate the fact that many people do, for whatever reason, feel unworthy. I hope you will find a spiritual teacher or a psychotherapist or a dharma friend with whom you can talk openly about your feelings. Being able to resolve some of those feelings might change your sense of being terrified at the prospect of relationship to being thrilled about it.

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I have experienced the fear of commitment for many years. And, I have counseled hundreds who come to me with a fear of commitment. In fact, at some point in most everyone’s life they experience a fear of commitment.

Commitment, either in relationships or life decisions, is a scary word for some people, and measures taken to combat the stigma attached to this word aren’t exactly supported by our surroundings. With emerging apps such as Tinder and reality television shows making the centuries old practice of courtship taboo, our society is encouraged to engage in one-night stands and the pursuit of a “no-strings attached” relationship filled with emotionless and frivolous sex. We are not aware of the detrimental effect this has on the youth because we’re all victims, and I myself can attest to this because I may be the biggest culprit. Nonetheless, I’ve begun to make myself aware, and in doing so, I’ve realized a few things about how we sabotage ourselves to remain commitment-free.

Some people may be happy living life with no commitments and no relationships, but I’m convinced those one-night hook-ups are just temporary fixes. I don’t believe that anyone can truly be content with that lifestyle. Maybe you’re happy now, but each hook up will be less and less satisfying until you eventually realize how soulless and disassociated from humanity you’ve become. Regarding life changes, you often hear people when they say, “I’m stuck in a rut”, but what does that mean? Einstein describes insanity as “doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result.” so instead of complaining about being stuck, do something about it.

Her are my learnings as I have traveled my journey and others have shared their journeys with a fear of commitment.

1. You feel vulnerable

We humans are a proud species, and we continuously strive for meaning and purpose for our own lives in such a capacity that it can be considered vain. We feel a benevolent being or force has created a single plan just for ourselves as a reward for devotion, but that’s an argument for another time. We as human beings tend to be selfish, entitled, and fall into pride, which isn’t always bad, but too much of it, will leave you falling back into the life you are trying to get away from.

Solution: Here’s the thing about being afraid to be wrong, how else will you ever be right? Scientists are wrong hundreds of times before they get something right, so why can’t you be? We’ll never stop learning; thus, we can only grow by letting ourselves be vulnerable from time to time and picking our battles. Of course, one must be careful, but you should still take risks and allow yourself to be vulnerable, even if you wind up being wrong about that person, at least you did your part.

2. The pursuit of “something better”

If you’re anything like most people I’ve met, you’re very competitive. Competition is natural for us because we’re animals and its part of our nature to be in competition with each other. We will always be on this life-long pursuit of “something better,” whether it’s by traveling, a new career path, a new significant other, or even a change in lifestyle.

Solution: You don’t always need to drop one thing in exchange for the other; you can travel with a significant other or you can change your lifestyle by pursuing a new career. Ultimately, commitments don’t have to be treated like trading cards. You may think there’s someone out there whose better than what you have but the same goes for them. That person chose you so don’t be an ass and drop them when you think you can “upgrade.”

3. Unrealistic expectations

We are creatures of habit, and we either crave what we can’t have, or we create a checklist inspired by a combination of the media and the public depicting the “perfect” relationship with the “perfect” person. We forget that Boy Meets World was only a television show, and the storyline between Cory and Topanga was created by multiple writers.

Solution: Checklists are for grocery shopping, not people, and we must limit the effect of third party applications on our lives. To put it simply, if you like it, then do it! Commitment doesn’t have to be as daunting as we make it out to be. Don’t wait to find that person or thing that you think is “perfect” because it fits your criteria.

4. Time

Have you ever been shopping and seen something you really liked, but you didn’t buy it because of a subpar reason you gave yourself? Have you done this only to find yourself back at that store hours, days, or weeks later, buying or missing out on that exact same thing? That’s exactly what you’re doing when you say, “I have time, I’m only 20-something”.

Solution: Don’t put off committing to something or someone you feel strongly about because you’re too young, you’re not ready, or because someone told you to wait. Regret is something a lot of people experience every day and time is something you can’t ever get back, so why waste it because you told yourself that you had time? Time doesn’t wait for you, so don’t wait for it.

5, Feeling “trapped”

How many times have you heard someone say, “I feel stuck” or “I’m suffocating”? Well, I’ve heard so many variations of that sentiment, that it all means nothing to me. People tend to be over-dramatic and in western society, complaining is unequivocally the most prominent method of conversing. Complaining is like the Socratic method (asking and answering questions to stimulate critical thinking and to draw out ideas and underlying presumptions) of elenchus for 20-somethings, and substance is far from present.

Solution: Don’t just complain about being trapped and go about your day like you normally would. Go out and change something, meet new people, and learn new things. Commit to something and stick it out, whether that’s dating someone new or taking a pottery course, it doesn’t matter, because you’re never trapped as much as you think you are.

6. Letting the past predict the future

Everyone I know, including me, has self-prescribed anxiety and we all believe that there are deep-rooted issues that cause us to have commitment issues or which create the anxiety that causes us to end things before they begin. We all have experiences and the past is a significant factor in how we conduct ourselves in the present or future. Experiences work like shock therapy; you get burned enough times and you naturally become conditioned to stop doing it.

Solution: We all want to believe that the reason for our issues can be explained by a chemical imbalance we can’t control, but, we’ve just been conditioned to sabotage our own relationships and life choices. The logic we use allows for no margin of error. For instance, if we get burned by enough tall or intelligent girls the next tall or intelligent girl that comes along doesn’t even get a chance because subconsciously we sabotage the potential relationship before it can even begin. Read that out loud to yourself, and tell yourself that doesn’t sound stupid. Don’t dwell on the past it’s there for a reason and that reason is to help you deal with your future.

7. You’re “too busy”

Like many people, you probably think you have no time for any new commitments, and you’re just too busy to be bothered with taking time to genuinely connect with someone or something. You constantly tell yourself, “when I have more time,” you’ll do it, but deep down, you probably know that you will never have more time.

Solution: Can you be any more cliché? There is no such thing as “too busy”, and you’re an idiot. Do what every other smart person does and compartmentalize different aspects of your life. Not everything is related, and you shouldn’t treat them that way. The art of disassociation can be easy if you want it to be, just don’t blame problems in your life on unrelated things. It’s all about managing and prioritizing your time, and cutting out the negative things in your life. There are many ways to do this: make lists, schedules or calendars to help you organize your time efficiently.

When people are expecting commitment, agreeing to try won’t cut it. But here’s the good news. Practically anyone can find the confidence they need to take a stand if they first follow these four steps:

1. Objectify your emotions- When prompted for a commitment, we sometimes feel internal conflict, usually around unspoken fears. Maybe it’s the fear of failure, humiliation, or rejection. Whatever it is, we need to start by recognizing the emotion for what it is, so we can create some distance and objectify it.
2. Connect with the outcome- What happens if we make good on the commitment? If we can emotionally connect with the outcome we can leverage that positive feeling to deal with the negative one. Yes, failure and humiliation are bad news. But what about the joy, satisfaction, pride, and significance we’ll gain from winning? Imagine what we could accomplish if that drove us.
3. Embrace your agency- Wherever you are in your life, you have power and influence unique to you. If you embrace this agency, you can accomplish far more than you might think, including making progress toward your aspirations and goals and keeping your commitments.
4. Bias for Action- The only way to accomplish something is to start. Seems obvious, but taking the leap is instrumental to completing the jump. We hesitate because we don’t know we can make it, but the only way to land on the other side is to leap from where you’re standing. Here’s how the Scottish mountain climber, W.H. Murray, put it, “The moment one commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. The jump triggers everything.”

What if you can’t commit for a legitimate reason? Articulate that reason and suggest an alternative. And be proactive about it.

What we cannot do is shrink. We cannot afford to let our reluctance brand us as people who won’t take a stand. Commitment is essential in life. If you don’t have it, you won’t have any life.