Dear Daughter (Part II)

Many of my friends whose kids have grown up or are currently teenagers have shared about their empty nest syndrome. They warned me to be mentally prepared for when my daughter enters her teenage years. Despite their forewarnings, I was certainly not prepared for the harsh reality. When my daughter entered Secondary 1, she started to assert her independence. From making the executive decisions on what she wanted to wear, to choosing not to hold my hand when we were out, to no longer wanting to sleep and snuggle with us on the weekends, these acts of independence broke my heart. It was heartbreaking to see my baby growing her wings and taking the first steps towards flying out of the nest. As I wrestled with letting her go to grow, she too was undergoing her own personal wrestle within herself and not understanding why her parents enforce certain things. In a way, we both struggled together – one with letting go, the other with breaking free.?

For the past two years since teenagerhood claimed her, I felt like I had lost my daughter. Her daddy was no longer her bestie. Instead, her friends and what they said, mattered more to her than me. I felt her slowly drifting away from me and in June last year, I decided that I had to act with deliberate urgency. I could not let this deterioration happen without at least trying my best to rebuild our bonds. To do so required me making a conscious effort to spend more time with her. I pivoted from working in the office to working remotely so that I could devote more time to her. Doing “mundane” routines like fetching her to and fro school became sessions where she could share about her day in real time and I relished in knowing all the little details. After school, we will go out together for lunch, bonding over our shared love for junk food. As we chatted and moved the conversations beyond schoolwork, CCA, competitions, I was able to better understand her struggles and pressures. Her growing up pains. And as she saw me sowing into her life, listening to her and showing her that I love her more than my work or her grades, she begun to open up.

Last year, we took a total of 4 trips over the span of two months. It was a record-breaking number of holidays given the close proximity each trip was to the other. But it was a wonderful time of family bonding where instead of having our eyes glued to our screens, we went out in nature and did activities together. On one of our trips, we decided to try go-karting, something she had never tried before. It was a last minute decision but it was the best impulse decision ever. Lo and behold, my daughter became hooked on it after the first ride and we ended up spending the next two days at the arena competing with each other.

Zipping around the tracks with the warm sunshine smiling down on our faces, we had the time of our lives competing for the best lap times and pole positions. A core memory. This experience has also unlocked a new passion in her; she is now a racing enthusiast! Because of this, we have a common topic to bond and gush over together and she even has a favourite – she supports Lando Norris in the McLaren team. I treasure the time we spent together and although letting go is still difficult for me.

Some of my key learnings as a parent:

1.????? Give your child the space and time to figure out their lives

2.????? Eating junk fine is absolutely fine

3.????? Listen actively instead of actively dishing out advice

Parenthood is journey of highland highs and valley lows. From the joys to the pains, the hopes and the failures, the love and the fears… Parenting is a life altering journey that I am blessed to be on.