Dear Daughter

Dear Daughter,

We’re approaching March 8th 2023. You’re 5 years old, and I am (for now) your closest confidante. You’re not really sure what I do at work, but you think it’s something to do with handbags and Zoom calls.

As #internationalwomensday rolls around again, this year I am going to write down for you my experiences making my way as a working woman over the last couple of decades. Would you believe it? Back when I started work, no-one really spoke about female leadership much. Or Diversity. Or Inclusion. As such, I just went about my working days, barely questioning what would now be deemed as #everydaysexism.

Let’s begin gently at the age of 26, when I was a recruitment manager working with Sales teams around Europe. One morning I walked into a team meeting in Amsterdam dressed in a fairly non-descript black suit, only for the guy leading the meeting to pause, ask me to do a twirl and show the room my outfit before finding a seat. I froze for a second, and then - ?with an awkward smile - I (incredulously) obliged.?

A few years later in Sydney, a hiring manager I was working with wanted to flout a business policy that I had absolutely no control over.?I froze as he put his arm around my shoulder and pressed his face right up against mine “Oh come on Laura…”?but it didn't occur to me to call him out on it - he was my internal client and way more senior than me, after all.

Thankfully, there have been episodes that have provided better entertainment fodder over drinks with girlfriends than these first two. Like that time a male colleague called out across an open plan office in Guangzhou?“well done on your weight loss Laura, this is…. BIG IMPROVEMENT”. Or the time a colleague took me for lunch to thank me for my contribution on a project. Leaning back as he picked up the tab, he exhaled “you women are good at seeing the grains of sand, Laura, whereas us men, you know - we are more about the ocean… the big picture”. Gee, thanks.

I’ll pause to say you’d be forgiven now, my love, for thinking men were the problem as I was coming up. In honesty, it was a different era and I think times have already changed. I recall an animated discussion with a female leader when I was in my early thirties on how single employees should categorically show more flexibility with their hours than colleagues with children. So much for my personal life choices and wanting to train for that half marathon…(spoiler alert: I only ever managed a 10K)

It will be no surprise to you, my dear, strong-willed daughter, that as time went on, I began to wise up to the need to position myself as an equal. Accompanying a Leadership team to Singapore for an off-site meeting, I was horrified when the two women on an otherwise male dominated team bowed out of evening drinks to go shopping. Principled, I put on my best game-face and headed off to join the men at the hotel bar. Only now do I recognize the irony that I would have preferred to go shopping.

When asked (only once!) as the sole woman on a leadership team to take notes at a weekly meeting because the secretary was absent, my instant reply was “No thanks, I suggest one of you guys do it”.

But then I had you, and wow! suddenly everything changed. As my stomach grew, so the wake-up calls kept coming.?First the palpable disappointment when I announced my pregnancy. The open questions about how I was possibly going to manage a job with senior responsibilities and a baby. The jokes whenever I challenged during meetings about how pregnant women are emotional. The comment on my first day back from a 4 month maternity leave that I had celebrated my promotion to Vice President by getting pregnant (I still roll my eyes and shake my head at this one).?After 20 years of hard slog developing my career, during and after pregnancy I experienced such a swift shift in how some responded to me as a senior woman in the workplace. It felt like a kick in the teeth, and one I was unprepared for. Not putting gender into the equation when it came to my career rapidly became an impossibility.

You know, these experiences took place all over the world. In meeting rooms and office corridors from Kuala Lumpur to Chicago, from Stockholm to Seoul, from L.A to New Delhi. Generational differences and cultural differences all played a part. The exchanges were messy because people are messy. I like to think that those involved were largely unaware of the impact of their words. I have, without a shadow of doubt, put my own foot in it at times. ?Thankfully there have been as many folks, if not more, who have supported, encouraged and championed my career at every hurdle. Let me tell you about just a few of these people:

The boss, who early in my career recounted to me the time he made it his mission to directly headhunt Richard Branson “just for a laugh”. I experienced how powerful it can be when your manager believes 100% in your potential, and how fast you can develop if they actively encourage you to fake it a little bit until you make it.?

The new manager who carved out time, jetlagged, to meet me at 7am at a Kowloon Starbucks to tell me she believed I could take on a global role, and to share exactly where I should focus to hone the skills I would need to get there.

The line manager, the team and the peers who supported me joyfully throughout my pregnancy, clubbed together to buy me a stroller, covered my maternity leave seamlessly and encouraged me to just go and enjoy those precious first months as a mum with you.

Your selfless Yaya, without whom I would never have been able to return to my role: taking care of you and our home as I waddled back to work and jumped into conference calls, business trips and deadlines.

The phenomenal, accomplished female leader I worked with a couple of years ago, with whom I could level, laugh, cry and not feel judged. She faces each obstacle she encounters with absolutely no fear of failure and is an unstoppable source of inspiration.

The male colleague in the same company, with whom I didn’t particularly connect, and yet who one day who took a moment to come into my office after a particularly tough meeting, close the door and say ?“Don’t give up”.

The team-member who just last week, closed our discussion about her own performance review by taking a moment to encourage me with some upward feedback.

All this to show you that single, sometimes fleeting moments can make a difference in your own and in another person’s career. ?Your mum has above all, rolled with the punches, sometimes failing but always striving to handle the ups and downs with equanimity. Wherever your life and your career take you, championing others as much as you champion yourself will make the difference. I encourage you, like I have, to actively seek those all around you in the corporate hierarchy who will advise, sponsor and support you. By the same token, absolutely be that woman for others. I know you can do it!

Love from,

Mum?