The Deamon, the Demon Inside the Mother, and How to Deal with It

In his seminal book What Do You Say After You Say Hello?, Dr. Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis, explores the complex dynamics of human interactions and the psychological structures that underpin them. One particularly poignant concept he discusses is the "Deamon" within the mother—an insidious authority that implants itself inside the child, often without the child’s awareness. This Deamon is an ego state that enforces irrational and harmful behaviors, often driven by a deep-seated need for control and superiority.

Understanding the Deamon

The Deamon, as Berne describes, is a psychological entity that represents the internalized voice of the mother, exerting undue influence over the child. This ego state is not subject to rational scrutiny, making it exceedingly difficult for the individual to question or defy. It places the mother in a superior, almost sacrosanct position in the hierarchy of the child's needs and desires. The Deamon whispers destructive thoughts, particularly at critical moments of potential success, steering the individual towards self-sabotage.

For instance, just as a person is on the brink of a significant achievement, the Deamon might incite reckless behavior, such as gambling away savings or ignoring dire warnings. The Deamon’s voice might say, "What do you have to lose?"—a deceptively simple yet devastatingly effective manipulation that can cost the person their entire future.

Recognizing the Deamon

The Deamon is often a completely unacknowledged ego state, passing as the individual's own "I". Recognizing its influence can be challenging, but there are telltale signs:

• Excessive Need to Defend and Protect Your Mother: If you find yourself feeling an overwhelming compulsion to defend your mother against any criticism.
• Regard Her as the Most Important Person in Your Life: You believe you can't live without her and that you would be nothing without her.
• Strong Dislike or Disregard for Women Other Than Your Mother: You may assign inferior status to other women, considering your mother the only one who qualifies as truly human.
• She Knows Who You Are and Reinforces Your Ego State: Your sense of self is heavily dependent on her affirmation and validation.
• Lack of Independent Thoughts: You rarely have independent thoughts or perspectives that differ from your mother's views.
• Compulsion to Repay the "Debt" of Birth: You place significant importance on repaying the perceived debt of being born, often chasing her acceptance and admiration above your own desires.
• Sibling Rivalry: If you have siblings, you might find yourself in a constant competition for her attention and approval.

Strategies for Exorcising the Deamon

Dr. Berne offers practical solutions for dealing with this internalized authoritarian voice. One method involves carrying a card in your pocket with a defiant statement written on it. At crucial moments when the Deamon begins its manipulative monologue, the individual can pull out the card and read it aloud: "But no, mother, I am going to do what I want and I will do it my way and win." This act of defiance helps to reassert personal autonomy and challenge the Deamon’s illegitimate authority.

Steps to Overcoming the Deamon’s Influence

1. Stay Calm: Recognize that the Deamon has no rightful place in your mind. It has manipulated its way in, and understanding this manipulation is key to reclaiming your mental space. Visualize the door through which it entered and mentally close it.
2. Seek Support: Surround yourself with perceptive individuals who can see beyond superficial narratives. These allies can help you break free from the story the Deamon has woven, which likely extends to your siblings, friends, and broader social circle.
3. Claim Your Achievements: Acknowledge and own your accomplishments. You do not owe the Deamon—or the mother it represents—anything for your successes. The notion that you are indebted to her simply because she gave birth to you is a manipulative and cruel existential burden. You also do not owe her your own children as a way to pay back the written script, as the Deamon's cruelty truly knows no boundaries. You do not need to sacrifice anybody else’s children to repay her perceived debts or to fulfill her demands.
4. Love Yourself Unconditionally: You do not need her permission to exist or to be yourself. The authority she claimed was through an invasion of your private psychological space, a profound violation. Do not grant her a second chance at trust, as she fundamentally sees you not as a separate person but as an extension of herself, which is why she spends time perfecting manipulative tactics to break into your psyche instead of connecting with you at a person-to-person level with full respect to build a humane relationship where you exist independently of her and can formulate opinions independent of her.
5. Understand the Intention: The Deamon fundamentally does not love or respect you. It seeks to control you to reassure its own authority and reaffirm its self-importance. This explains the immense suffering it causes, for which the Deamon refuses to take any responsibility. It claims that now you are an adult, you are not only seeing the world for the first time but are also completely unprepared to confront the truth about who you are and how you got there. This denial of responsibility is a way for the Deamon to evade accountability for its manipulative and harmful actions. The Deamon feeds on pain and suffering because these emotions justify its existence and actions. It will go to great lengths to manipulate and increase your suffering, as it is the primary means by which it holds onto power and maintains its grip over you. The suffering might be yours, but the Deamon will suffer as well. She will make it real and believable; the more she suffers, the more she feels she has a "right" to control you.

To further your mental resilience, remember that the Deamon is a creation that has been around humanity for a very long time, and it is likely that your mother learned it from her mother, who learned it from her mother. She is a victim of the cycle of abuse. However, this does not mean you need to sacrifice yourself for this sad game. Despite the cycle, it does not absolve her from being aware that she is harming you. The Deamon stems from your mother’s arrogance and insecurity, as she has simply grown accustomed to the benefits of "having a child" rather than being a real person with the child and understanding his or her needs. The Deamon might be particularly cruel to daughters, especially if they are to become mothers, as this poses a significant threat to her perceived right to authority and how she uses it to control the narrative. The Deamon’s perceived power stems from the "benefits" she receives as being the "mother"; therefore, she will "protect" her right to power as the only legitimate mother, engaging in a war on other women, particularly those who are feminine and less likely to embrace the Deamon’s style. These women pose a significant threat to the Deamon because they might expose it to the child, potentially freeing the child from its grip, which is the biggest risk to the Deamon's power.

The Role of Society in Addressing the Deamon

There is a growing need in society to improve the education and wellbeing of women so they can advance in the craft of motherhood. Parenting today has become increasingly difficult due to the multitude of external and internal risks faced by parents and parents-to-be. These pressures can inadvertently force individuals into adopting a "Deamon style" of parenting out of fear. By providing better support systems, education, and resources for women, society can help prevent the perpetuation of these harmful patterns and promote healthier, more nurturing relationships between parents and children.

Gender equality is particularly helpful as it allows for other women to step in and provide emotional support from a feminine perspective when compassion is absent in the mother due to various factors. This relaxation of the "strong" connection with the child allows for greater autonomy in inter-family dynamics. The Deamon engages in a war on other women, particularly those who are feminine and less likely to embrace the Deamon's style, as they pose a significant threat to the Deamon’s power by potentially exposing it and enabling the child to free themselves.

Additionally, it's important to understand that unconditional love is not inherently required from the mother to the child. The mother, like any other person, has the right to think for herself and prioritize her well-being. However, she cannot take the child's inherent self-worth and unconditional love for himself or herself and direct it towards her own needs or subordinate it conditionally to some directives. Doing so is akin to the murder of the child's self-worth.

Conclusion

Dr. Eric Berne’s insights into the Deamon within the mother highlight a pervasive and often unrecognized source of psychological distress. By identifying this ego state and implementing strategies to counteract its influence, individuals can reclaim their autonomy and pursue their life goals unencumbered by irrational and destructive internalized voices. It requires courage and careful self-reflection, but the liberation from the Deamon’s grip is both possible and profoundly empowering.

Remember, your mother is just a person like any other person. If you separate the title "mother" from the person, you can see if and how the person is abusing the title to get what they want by using you. Every child deserves love, but not every parent is capable of offering it. Some parents never intended to love their children in the first place, instead continuing a story of their family script blindly, missing out on meaningful relationships in their own lives.

According to Eric Berne, a revolutionary psychiatrist, people do not need to be told to get better by being told to stop harmful behaviors. Rather, they need to be reassured that they have permission to stop following a thought pattern, as this pattern comes from an "unknown" entity in their mind that threatens them with dire consequences if they disobey. So, being a good friend to someone with a "deamon problem" means letting them know that it is okay to disobey their mother and be well for themselves. Let them know that they will be safe.