Dealing with your Fear of Change

"Change is the only constant"... we hear that all the time. But even so, many of us still find it hard to accept, let alone embrace the uncertainty of change. This is because, as Tony Robbins's TED Talk teaches, certainty is a basic human need.

Now before I go on, let me just say that I'm not just addressing those readers who are super conservative and consistently resist change. I am writing this to everyone because at some point in all our lives, we have probably (if we're honest with ourselves) feared a certain type of change. So we've all been through this and know how it feels.

So let's understand our fear of change, where it comes from, and how to deal with it.

At least twice in my business life, I have made an uncomfortable change.

The first was in 2007, when I left a great corporate leadership position to start my coaching business. The second is in early 2019 when I decided to let other people manage my two businesses in Indonesia and started a new venture in the UK. In both cases, I had to go through several major changes. I underwent the process of rebuilding my reputation in a new industry and in a new country where nobody knew my name and my past achievements. I adjusted my style to a new culture. And I made an effort to meet new friends. And obviously, I lost the security of my monthly income. Furthermore, in my recent move to the UK, I had to spend in Pound Sterling while earning Indonesian Rupiah. (Let me now just thank the British government for prolonging the Brexit issue and softening the exchange rate for me.)

In both these cases, of course I felt fear... but I did it anyway and I never regretted it.

I categorise the fear of change as part of a bigger fear called The Fear of Uncertainty, one of the 3 areas in what I call the Fear Zone.

The fear of not knowing what could happen in the future often make us hold on to status quo, even if we don't really like our present condition. Some people even go out of their way to deny their desire for a better life and justify why this is as good as it will ever get for them.

Let's examine some patterns that cause this fear to flourish and the choices you have to diminish it:

1. The need to know the future before taking any action is an interesting place to start. We've all heard stories of fortune tellers and mystics who claim to know what the future holds, and our logical brain may realise that most of us cannot do that. Yet, our illogical brain says, "Oh, yes you can! In fact, you should make it a rule to know the future before committing to any sort of change." This is where it all goes wrong. Let's get back to reality. Unless we have some special powers that allow us to look into the future, there is no way any of us can predict what will happen. So we have a choice to keep using this rule or to just drop it.
2. Another pattern that leads us to fear change is overly focusing on things we cannot control. Every day life throws "stuff" at us; some are positive and some are not. But that's beyond our control and hoping that things will change is not the best use of our energy and time. We cannot easily change the people around us, the economy, government regulations, our competitors. What we can change is our preparation and our mental strength to deal with the "stuff" that happens around us. So let's just focus on what we can control. Our fear is trying to tell us something about what we need to learn, what we still don't know, and what help we may need. Act on that. Let's learn something that would prepare us to handle change. Let's make new connections that widen our network and resources. That, in my experience, is more productive. Don't be surprised if you feel more powerful; focusing on what you can control immediately empowers you. Focusing on what you cannot control makes you feel helpless and afraid.
3. Exaggeration increases our fears. Some people terrorise themselves by using exaggerated words to dramatise the situation. In fact, most changes are gradual; they evolve and adjust along the way. Not a lot of things are instant, dramatic, and earth-shaking. Exaggerating often just freak us out unnecessarily.
4. Using "cannot" instead of "will not" is another way people support their fear of change. When I was in the 5th Grade, I raised my hand and asked, "Can I go to the toilet?" and my teacher replied, "I don't know. Can you?" "Can I..." implies that I am questioning my physical ability to go to the toilet. What she wanted me to say was, "May I..." which implies asking for permission. Have you ever heard someone say, "I cannot change" as if they are physically disabled to do so. When in fact, the more truthful sentence is probably, "I will not change. I choose not to change." You see, if you decided that you will not change, that's fine. It's your choice. You live with the consequences. But don't tell me you cannot, because for most of you, it is not a physical limitation. And by saying, "I won't change" instead of "I cannot change," you've admitted to yourself that you have decided to resist change for now. You may change your mind later, but it is your decision. What phrase do you often use when you resist things: 'cannot' or 'will not'?
5. The lack of faith is the final pattern I will cover today. I don't mean faith as in religious belief. Here I define faith as having the confidence that things will turn out well in the end. A friend of mine has a wonderful saying: "At the end of the day, everything will be alright. And if it's not alright, it's not the end of the day." He has thrived despite many changes in his life and he is a vibrant positive energy in his community. Most changes have not resulted in catastrophes; interestingly, the lack of change often creates more negative impact. But even then, life goes on... people find a way to survive and even thrive... the world keeps turning. I lived through the 1998 Riots in Indonesia. I saw houses burnt to the ground, businesses robbed by the masses, and heard about brutal violence including rape and murders. It felt like living in a war zone and, at that time, I wondered how we could recover from this. We see natural disasters destroy and change cities around the world, and yet somehow help came and they recovered. Now living in Europe, I see beautiful old cities that used to be damaged by war; they are fully recovered now. I'm describing extreme changes here: riots, wars, and natural disasters. Most of the changes you need to face in your life and business are not that severe. So have a little faith please. It will be alright in the end. And if it's not, you will have the strength to pull through it. None of us are ever given a challenge beyond our capabilities. And if it feels overwhelming now, it's only because you're building your muscle ... keep at it and you will grow stronger than before.

We all have had an instance where we fear change. We all know how that feels. The difference is that some of us choose to nurture that fear, while others have found a way to break through. I invite you to re-read this article and go through a bit of Brave Discovery for yourself:

1. What pattern do you use to keep the fear alive?
2. How does that impact your life now?
3. And if you are ready to step out of the Fear Zone and live in your Brave Zone, what new patterns will you adopt?

I appreciate that the process of Brave Discovery is not easy. You may need someone to help you see what you don't see. I have been a sparring partner to many leaders wanting to go to their next level of brilliance. Let's connect: [email protected] or follow my Facebook Page : The Brave Zone