Dealing With Upset During Lockdown

During this time of COVID-related separation and sheltering in place, I hear a lot of people expressing their sense of emotionality around what’s happening. People are rightly upset and that warrants our addressing the topic. There are basically three major reasons why you or others might be upset, and there are logical, proven ways of dealing with each. The three sources of upset are 1. Misaligned or violated expectations, 2. Loss of voice, and 3. Lack of movement or stopped movement. Allow me to explain:

Upset #1: Misaligned or violated expectations 

First of all, you need to understand that I, you and every other human on the planet (except perhaps for some highly advanced monks) live in a world created by our own expectations. Simply put, most people rarely stay in the present moment, preferring instead to think about what is coming next. The result of thinking of the next thing (and the many next things after that) is that we build up a set of expectations about how this or that – or life in general – is going to be. That is normal and human. We start this practice at a very young age and it becomes so habituated that we often are not even aware that we are doing it as adults. Furthermore, most likely we have never discussed our expectations with others and certainly with respect to the world.

Let me give you a BIG example of how this works. On Tuesday, September 11, 2001, I woke up to a bright blue, crispy clear September morning and expected it to be a great day. I was running Day Two of a workshop for a client company and expected it to go as well as the first day had gone. And then some crazy maniacs decided to fly planes into buildings and, no surprise, I got really upset (along with the rest of the nation). I am not making light of 9/11, but ask you: what were your expectations that were violated that day? Did you have the expectation of safety in America; that no one would hate America so much that they would do that; that our early warning systems, our national intelligence network and our superior military could never let such a thing happen? Or did you have a brother in the building, and just assumed that you would always have the chance to see him again? September 11th showed up in America as a huge violation of expectations. And the emotions that come with a violated set of expectations can be immense.

Now 9/11 was nearly two decades ago, but COVID is here and confronting a lot of our expectations. You can’t help it. It simply is what our brains are in the habit of doing. And when those expectations are unfulfilled or outright violated, we have a sense of being upset. Have you ever had a time when you and your partner or boss have a discussion about doing a certain thing, then the next day as you are in the process of executing on that plan, your boss (spouse or whomever it happens to be) says, “That’s not what I meant!” Violated and unfulfilled expectations constitute a large portion of what causes us to be upset.

What were your expectations before COVID-19? What did you expect was the way we could have or should have prepared for it and dealt with it? What do you expect should be the date by when you can return to work or even go grocery shopping without a mask? Most likely those have been violated and you, like many of us are upset.

Dealing with Upset #1. 

If misaligned, unfulfilled or violated expectations are the source of upset, then the rather obvious path for dealing with the upset is to create clarity around the expectations. With misaligned expectations, this means having the conversation about what each of you expect to happen. Often in the process of communicating these expectations we can see how far apart we are with each other and begin to create some alignment or compromise on what can be expected.

But in the case were the world or some greater force beyond us (like the coronavirus) violates our expectations and we feel helpless to maintain control of what is happening in our lives, there is no conversation to be had. In those cases we must ask ourselves, “What was I expecting?” and the important follow-up question, “Is that a realistic expectation?” Most often, when we deconstruct our expectations, we find that at least a part of them are ill-founded or unrealistic to some degree. At least lowering those expectations will lower our degree of upset we currently feel.

Upset #2: Loss of voice 

The second major source of pain and upset is another natural human need that is amplified under stress. As humans, we all need to be heard. We need to know that our voice has counted for something and that we are recognized as having made a contribution to the thought process. When we have not been asked for our input, or when we have not even been invited to the discussion table, it upsets us. This is especially true when it comes to matters affecting us, like our jobs, our pay or our families. Now take that naturally-occurring need and place it inside the current pandemic crisis. 

It is important to distinguish the “loss of voice” upset from the kind upset we feel because of unmet expectations. We do not necessarily expect to have a voice in things. Loss of voice means that you haven’t been asked for your opinion on an issue that is important and for which you have a significant point of view of need for expressing. The World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control and the President somehow forgot to consult with you – and yet you do have an opinion. Inside that gap is the upset. To make matters worse, if any of those entities had ask for your opinion on handling the crisis, chances are that they would not have followed your sage counsel and you would be upset over that.

The bottom line here is that the world is not a very good listener (and that sometimes includes out partners and best friends). When we do speak up, we often find that we do not have the proper venue, that we are preaching to our own choir, or that we have insufficient data beyond our emotional appeal on which we base our argument. All three lead to a low impact and this lack of impact leads us straight into our upset.

Dealing with upset #2 

Needless to say, the best way to deal with the loss of voice upset is to prevent it by knowing when you need to get someone else’s input, and then asking for it. More importantly, know when you should incorporate that feedback into what you are doing (and when you don’t need to).

Asking can be done in a hundred different ways and it would be to your advantage to create some unique ways for yourself. If you are dealing with family members, it might be a bit easier – like simply saying, “Hey you look upset. Tell me what’s up.” However, with friends and associates, it might be more difficult to get them to start talking – especially if you were the person who hasn’t heard them or have not asked for their input. Be sensitive and aware of the nonverbals. Surprisingly, when people haven’t felt heard, they often shut down. It might seem contrary to what they need to do, but it is stems from feeling shut down by you or the process in the first place. Notice if someone who usually contributes is suddenly quiet and direct the conversation to them – and then listen, really listen.

Listening is just as important as asking for their opinion. Here, we are not talking about the Listening 101 stuff of eye contact and reflection – that’s nice but not the kind of deep listening that is needed. Intense listening, listens to the source of the speaking – to the “why” behind “what” the other person is saying. You want to listen for their commitments and values that must be operating, behind the scenes of what is being said. For example, I was once on a panel of men invited to answer some pretty serious questions about marriage from participants at a women’s workshop. One woman stood up and asked how to deal with her husband who didn’t want to do a particular thing. One of our crew replied, “Well I think I heard your question, but it sure sounds like there is something much more serious going on; why don’t you ask us what you really want to know?” And the tears just flowed out as she described a really tough encounter, complicated by her husband’s long-term family dynamics. That woman left the workshop not just feeling as though she had a voice, but that she was actually heard.

The (hopefully) obvious action, when it is your upset stemming from not being heard or asked, is to set up some one-on-one time to voice your concerns. Set the appointment by saying that you have some relevant and important information (or concerns) relevant to the particular issue at hand. Just trying to catch that person at an opportune moment may not land the importance you feel about having input. In the conversation stick with the facts – not the emotions so much. The fact that you feel upset is a by-product of not being heard and not the central issue.

Upset #3 – Lack of movement 

Again, one of those normal human needs comes to the forefront in this upset is movement. Humans are growing, evolving beings that need to have a sense of that growth and freedom to move in order to maintain sanity. You could equate this to being cut off in traffic or feeling like you are in a dead-end job. Many people have a vague discomfort and dissatisfaction with their lives, and don’t realize that it’s caused by a lack of movement. They try to change trivial things, like getting in shape, or buying a sports car, until they realize that nothing relieves that itch. Lack of growth opportunities presents a serious source of upset.

The deepest form of this upset is feeling trapped. Being confined in a space smaller than you are, in which you can neither fully stretch out nor stand up, is pure torture. Feeling trapped is the worst version of the loss of movement and, can easily occur in a marriage relationship or job. But during this time of pandemic, where we are all confined to quarters, as it were, many of us will feel this type of upset.

Once again, as I previously cautioned with voice, this should not be confused with an expectation. Movement is very specific and has everything to do with personal, psychological and emotional development. What is worse yet is that this apparent lack of movement is often relative to other objects and personalities around us and can come as a result of not moving at the same rate or developing as rapidly or faster than any other people (for example, some of my friends are still working when I am not).

Dealing with Upset #3

The remedy for this upset is to find small, short-term actions that you can begin to take. If being confined is the source of your upset or the upset of your friends and family, prepare by having masks and gloves and then go out for a walk around the block, if your country allows. But growth and learning are both forms of movement. Search out and engage in mini-courses on line. Prepare for that first big trip after the lockdown is lifted by learning the language of your destination country. There are many great tutorials and formal learning sites to help.

But if you or a friend are dealing with career stagnation, start building a career development plan. Take note of interests and what types of experiences have excited you in the past. These are good clues as to what an ideal career might include. Identify people in that field and set up a few interview calls to learn how they get there or to gain some helpful tips from them. You may be surprised how liberating and freeing it can be to start a plan.

These are all simple actions to take when dealing with being upset but hopefully they provide a starter kit on which you can build your own repertoire of solutions and interventions. And while there may be other types of upset, these three generally cover the greater number of upsets. Give it a try.

Kris Girrell is founder of Innerworks Consulting, LLC and is an international leadership coach, published author and speaker on Leadership and emotional intelligence.