Dealing with unruly people - caution it may not be what it appears to be
This book is being put online as part a guided, self-study program on coaching in the Amplio Community of Practice
People often show up unruly in training and team coaching sessions. As a coach, you must always remember that the system people are in has a strong effect on their behavior. They may be showing up in an unruly fashion because they have been triggered by something. They may look like they are committed to disruption when, in fact, they are frustrated and are acting out.
Unfortunately, since the coach is attempting to get something done, when people are like this it is easy for the coach to get triggered themselves. The sense that they cannot get their job done can trigger fear in them and then have them forget what they are really trying to do.
The key is not jump to conclusions about what’s going on. Instead, one must ask the person questions in a non-threatening manner to discover, both for you and them, what is actually happening. Remember it is important to hear their own “listening.” This is the basis for active speaking which, in this case, means asking questions.
One must be careful not to do this with judgment or the person will likely get more unruly.
A personal story by Al Shalloway
Note – this is here to give an example of what is possible with exemplary coaching. An unskilled coach may have this backfire on them if they unintentionally inject judgment and assume what people are thinking.
I’ve been in personal development workshops quite a lot. I’ve seen amazing coaches do amazing things with people. We don’t have permission to coach people personally in our work. To be clear, I am not suggesting that you do that. However, there is a technique I’ve seen these coaches use that works quite well. However, to do it, you must dispel the judgment of the person you’re talking to and accept what they say as the absolute truth for them.
For several years, Net Objectives had a public CSM class scheduled. I had CSTs at the time, but they got last-minute contracts to teach onsite CSM classes. So, I brought in a very capable CST I had known for a while.
We had a student who started being disruptive about an hour in class. And it only got worse. We were getting ready for our lunch break, three hours into the class, when the instructor approached me and said, “Ralph (not his real name) is being disruptive. If this were my class, I would have already thrown him out, but I’m talking to you about it since it's your class. I think he needs to go.”
I totally understood why the instructor felt this way. But I’ve been around enough people who act a certain way because they feel trapped. I, of course, didn’t know what was happening, and I agreed with the instructor that this couldn’t continue. But I figured I should find out before telling him to go home and that we’d refund his money. So I told the instructor I wanted to talk to him first, saying he needed to let me handle it.
I called over the person and the instructor and started the conversation, which went something like this (note that my tone was very even throughout this process- conveying a tone of interest with no judgment):
Me: It looks like you’re not very happy here.
Him: No, I’m not.
Me: Can you tell me why?
Him: Sure. You’re not telling us what to do.
Me: So you came here expecting us to tell you what to do?
Side note here: The instructor was teaching Scrum with a Scrum game. It was very interactive but required the students to figure out what to do.
Him: Of course. (his tone was like - “Why else would I be here?”)
Side note here: My thinking was that since he had this expectation about being told what to do, I was guessing that he didn’t like being told. This was uncomfortable for him. But we all get into these situations. To be clear, if I asked him this directly, he may have gotten defensive. You’ve got to let him tell his story. All you can do is ask questions and take his answers as truth.
Me: Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you don’t know what to do?
Him: Of course.
Me: Would it be helpful if we helped you learn how to figure things out when you didn’t know what to do?
He paused. He had never considered that this was what was going on.
Him: Sure.
Me: Well, what we’re trying to do here is to help you figure out what to do when you don’t know what to do. Would that be helpful?
Another pause.
Him. Yes, it would be.
Me: OK, so that’s what we’re doing. We’re not expecting you to know what to do. In Scrum, one of the things you need to do is figure out what to do. So that’s what we’re trying to help you figure out what to do when you don’t know how. Would you be OK with that?
Him: (with a smile) Yes.
It was clear to me that he was not OK with not knowing what to do in a work environment. He was smart, and part of his identity was knowing what to do. I at least made this and the next day be OK with him not knowing what to do.
He returned after lunch and was happier, participated positively, and stopped all disruption. The next day, he was literally jumping on the tables excitedly. It was cool.
The point is, don’t rush to judgment about why people do what they are doing.
But you can’t tell them. You can’t even ask them if they are doing what you are thinking. You can only ask them to describe what’s going on for them.
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This book is being put online as part of the Amplio Community of Practice
You can buy a copy of this book on LeanPub.
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