DEALING WITH UNACCEPTABLE

“That is simply not acceptable” said Mr. Alwin to Shruti. “Mr. Alwin, I would appreciate if you could kindly listen to my part of the story. At home….” She continued. “Listen, Ms. Shruti, you may have a hundred problems. I am not here either to solve your problem or to listen to any of those stories. These are the office rules, you must follow. Your request cannot be considered. That is simply unacceptable.”?Shruti was wondering ‘whether rules lack a human perspective. Are they intended to be applied blindly without any human touch? Should not a head of an organization be good enough to extend a helping hand to those who work under him?’ she had no answers. For Alwin, rules are rules. Any modification, violation, or change was just unacceptable.?

“Sunil, I am sorry. What you are doing is not at all acceptable.” Lekha was cautioning her son on his not doing his homework. “Mom, I am not well, I have stomach pain” replied Sunil, her son. “Sorry. I am not here to listen to all your stories. You don’t know how much I am spending on your schooling. All your stories are unacceptable to me.” The psychological pressure Lekha had in paying the school fee forced her to think only in terms of the returns she would get for what has invested on Sunil rather than understanding or examining the emotions and feelings of the boy from his perspective. ?

At home, in the office, among friends, in clubs or even on the road, we declare many things as unacceptable to us, oftentimes not even examining them from a right perspective or in each context. Habits, practices, procedures, behaviours, responses, conduct, and culture are a few things which cause us some annoyance and they become unacceptable.?

Some of the reasons why express our dissent are:

a.???They are not in tune with the way we do.

b.???They don’t gel with the way we think.

c.????Their vibes are a mismatch to our vibes.

d.???They offer an intellectual, emotional, or procedural threat.

e.???They are potential assault to our self-esteem.

f.??????They assault our authority, position, knowledge, and skills.

g.???They demand a change or transformation in our approach and attitude.

h.???They create an inner instability in our psyche and disturb our comfort zones.

i.???????They challenge the supremacy of our personal self, the institution, or the community.

j.??????They go against the productivity or achievement target we have. ?

We live in a world, where we decline to accept many things and hence, we face misunderstanding, conflicts, and confusion in several spheres of our activity. How do we deal with things which we don’t accept? Is accepting the unacceptable an act of cowardice? Is acceptance of what is unacceptable, a submission to any authority for fear or favour? Is acceptance a communication of some compromise? Does acceptance lead to a loss of one’s identity? Several questions arise. “We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate; it oppresses,” says C.G. Jung in his article “Modern Man in Search of a Soul.”

There are three basic approaches in dealing with the ‘unacceptable.’

1.???We extend our understanding, examine other’s perspective in its entirety and accept them on merit.

2.???We can debate, challenge, negotiate and seek others to prove their point on why it should be accepted.

We take the essence and the substance of their contention and accordingly modify our views, our actions giving due weightage to others for being harbingers of change or transformation.

3.???We may reject, disapprove, or refuse to accept them for reasons which we could list.

“Courage doesn’t happen when you have all the answers. It happens when you are ready to face the questions you have been avoiding your whole life,” says Shannon L. Alder, a noted therapist and author. ?

1.???Understanding and accepting the unacceptable

Oftentimes we declare a few things as unacceptable because we don’t understand them. Lack of knowledge creates a sense of fear, inadequacy, suspense and discomfort with ideas, thoughts, suggestions, skills, and practices. Our inability to digest them intellectually, emotionally and in context, leads to our rejecting any proposal, practice, or suggestion. Some of these challenges occur where there is a difference in the culture of the individual or the group. They may also arise when the eco-system in which it operates is alien to us. Understanding needs an effort. It calls for willingness to have faith with whom we are negotiating and for what purpose. “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery,” says J.K. Rowling. Historically many battles have been fought because of lack of understanding between communities, regions, and societies. Both in institutions and at home, we need to have set procedures for clearing misconceptions, ensuring proper communications, creating an atmosphere for better understanding. “To understand and to be understood makes our happiness on earth” says a German proverb. Trying to understand situations is not expression of weakness, inferiority, or helplessness of people. It could be borne out of wisdom. “Wisdom. . .is knowing what you have to accept,” says Wallace Stegner. On many occasions we decline to accept others point of view because we do not see the issues from their perspective. ?

2.???Negotiating with the unacceptable

There are occasions when what is proposed or suggested by others may not be wholly acceptable. But there could be some good core goodness in the nucleus of their suggestions. Therefore, always there exists a possibility to consider them on a negotiating table, dissect the issue into its vital parts, examine the aspects which could be imparted or imported into the current dynamics. Willingness to listen, willingness to see the values inherent in proposals, examine the value additions it could make, suggest, and negotiate with others the strengths and limitations of their proposal, give them the rightful position in discussion, appreciating them for what they have brought to the table will indeed be a healthy practice both at home and in organizations. It ensures democracy; it doesn’t powder down others identity or ego; it liberates others from the fear of being rejected; it helps celebrating others for their ability to think differently and productively. It is important to go to the discussion table with an open mind. Any attempt to go with a bias would be disastrous. Says Bertrand Russel “A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.” This kind of opportunity for a ‘level playing ground’ with others brings better equity and equality into the system. Says Walt Whitman in his book ‘Leaves of Grass,’ “I am larger, better than I thought; I did not know I held so much goodness. All seems beautiful to me. Whoever, denies me, it shall not trouble me; Whoever accepts me, he or she shall be blessed, and shall bless me.”

?3.???Rejecting the ‘unacceptable’

There are occasions when one must stand firm on his foot to say “NO.” It is always not necessary to be considerate and accommodate everything as an expression of sympathy or compassion. Misplaced sympathy or compassion do give long term negative results. It is important to reject them and say “Unacceptable.”?“When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself” says Paulo Coelho, the noted author and novelist. Oftentimes, when issues relate to ethics, values, quality, precision or social justice, compromises leading to accept the unacceptable have serious implications. Over a period, it leads to wrong and unethical actions being justified for one reason or the other. They get habituated both with the individual or the institutions. However, one needs to be careful in dealing with such issues. Consideration of causes, reasons, and values, both direct and implied, will be more important than people associated with ‘unacceptable’ things. Such decisions should not be corrupted by powers, influencers, authorities, fears, or threats. “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough,” says Josh Billing, the American humourist (real name: Hanry wheeler Shaw). Dealing with unacceptable, calls for a synergetic handling of common sense and wisdom. It is more a non-judgmental approach to problem handling. It must be inclusive, accommodative, democratic, and liberal. ?

There are times when we don’t even accept ourselves as who we are. There is huge conflict between what we think of ourselves, what others think of us and who really, we are. We live through some projections of the self which may be true or not. Standing before a mirror, a young man was lamenting “Oh God! What you had done to me is simply unacceptable. I am not as tall as the other; I am not as handsome as the other; I am not as intelligent as the other; I am not as rich as the other……nothing is acceptable to me.”?In her book, Eat Pray and Love, Elizebeth Gilbert says “… some point you have to make peace with what you were given and if God wanted me to be a shy girl with thick, dark hair, He would have made me that way, but He didn't. Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein.”

Accepting the unacceptable is, sometimes if not always, a pathway to wisdom.

For those who feel depressed with the way they are and are unable to deal with the unacceptable, the words of Richard Carlson may be comforting “. .…when you let go of your expectations, when you accept life as it is, you're free. To hold on is to be serious and uptight. To let go is to lighten up.”