Dealing With "Too Much Drama"

“Just because people are fueled by drama, doesn’t mean we have to attend every performance.” - Cheryl Richardson

I found this quote on Pinterest, and I have chosen it for our weekly connection because it gives those of us who are wanting to have more influence over our experience of life a way to become more purposeful with respect to who we choose to spend time with. In other words, if you have someone one in your life that seems to be “fueled by drama” or looks to bring highly-charged emotion into every encounter, then based upon our vision of who we are and the life we want to create, we can choose not to “attend every performance,” or to disengage when they seem to want to make us part of their play.

Now, just to be clear, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be sensitive to others, and/or be willing to be there with them and for them when they are hurting. This ability to support those we care for during times of need is essential for healthy, long-lasting relationships. Neither is this a “get out of jail free” card for those of us who may be uncomfortable with emotion (guys?).

This is about dealing with a coworker, friend, or family member who seems to thrive on drama (especially negative drama), and therefore is always infusing it into their lives and the lives of those they encounter.

Often this need to create negative emotions is the result of a deep insecurity or flawed vision of themselves where they believe that the only way people will pay any attention to them is if they are in some sort of trouble or being mistreated by others. When this is the case, the “overly dramatic person” will feel the need to dominate conversations with their plight to elicit sympathy from others.

The problem with feeding their need is two-fold. First, it has us spending time in situations that are less than rewarding, and if we do this too much, it will result in resentment. Unfortunately, people who find themselves in this position (resenting the overly dramatic people in their lives) often place blame for this resentment on the other person and try to change them. This predictably results in the dramatic person defending their drama, and a cycle of stress, frustration, and resentment is born and exacerbated.

The second problem with feeding another’s drama by attending the performance is that it reinforces their using drama to engage others in the first place. In other words, they are looking for a connection (albeit a dysfunctional one) and when we provide that connection by participating in their drama (even if it’s only listening, we validate their methods and give them no reason to change.

On the other hand, when we become clear about the types of interpersonal interactions that are congruent with our vision of the life we want to create, (helpful, positive, loving, meaningful, etc.) and only choose to stay engaged when the interaction meets this criteria, we are doing both ourselves and them a favor.

With respect to ourselves, we are taking 100% responsibility for the quality of our interactions, which, when practiced on a daily basis, will result in a life of the kind of interpersonal connections we would recommend to those we love.

With respect to “them,” we are not feeding their belief that being overly dramatic is the way to get attention, which hopefully (at some point) will lead to their examining this tendency and working with someone to change it. In other words, our excusing ourselves when the performance starts, or even speaking to them about the kind of interactions we want to create is actually a gift to them because it gives them the chance to see that this old, dramatic way of being isn’t working.

Of course, the potential that they will see it as a gift is quite small. Regardless, however, we will be minimizing resentment by only buying tickets and attending the types of productions that are congruent with who we are and who we want to become. Not a bad way to create a life, don’t you think?