Dealing with Passive aggression

Dealing with Passive aggression

?“Alok, what happened to the assignment I gave you two days back?” asked Mr. Tantri, the head of the department.

“I am doing it sir” Alok replied with a half-broken smile.

“How long? When do you propose to submit it? It is a small job.” Tantri was a bit upset.

“But sir, every job takes its own time. And I need to think and work. I cannot just put the letters and numbers and give it to you.” The words of Alok carried a latent resistance. As such he had no intent to complete it early.

As Mr. Tantri moved away, Alok told his colleague ‘I will take my own time. He will know who I am and how to get the job done from me.”

The passive-aggression shown by Alok showed the existing poverty of goodwill between both.

Passive aggression is one of the most prevalent behavioural problems that could be observed between people both at the personal level or at the professional level. It could also manifest at a group level.

“Sir, I cannot take anymore. I am already overburdened.” When Smitha told her boss Immaculate, the boss did not well take it.

“Smitha, you are not overburdened. The workload distribution indicates that what you are having is just seventy percent of what Amisha is doing. And she does it fast and neat too,” reacted Immaculate.

“If she is doing better, why don’t you give this also to her.” That was a display of arrogance from Smitha.

“Well, I do not need to take your guidance on what should I do. But you are refusing to take this assignment shows you in poor light.”

Smitha returned with a smile as if she has conquered a peak on an expedition. The passive aggression of Smitha has a history in her professional dynamics.

Commenting on Passive-aggression, Dr. Nina Vasan, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Stanford School of Medicine, says “It’s a way to fight without admitting to your feelings so you can blame the other person when they react.” She continues in her article in the magazine “The Healthy” -“The behaviour is often subtle and easily explained as something else which is what makes it so hard to counteract.”

“Why did you not give me that very important information and the feedback?” the chairperson questioned to one of his vertical heads in the organization, as he had to cut a sorry figure for not knowing the latest developments. The head replied, “You didn’t ask me for that.” As such the head knew fully well that the information was required but wanted to withhold the information consequent to an intense argument he had with the chairperson in the previous week.

“Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. During World War II, when soldiers would not follow officers' orders, experts described them as “passive-aggressive,” says Dr Zilpha Shaikh in WebMD.

“Passive aggression stems from deep anger, hostility, and frustration that a person, for whatever reason, is not comfortable expressing directly. When dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour, it is important to understand that beneath all those snide remarks lies a deep unhappiness and sadness” reports the magazine “The Psychology Today”?

Dr. Zilpha flags the following five patterns of behaviour among those who show passive-aggression.

·?????? Resenting or opposing others' instructions outright, though they may still do what they are told.

·?????? Delaying a task that someone else requested or making intentional mistakes.

·?????? Having a sarcastic or argumentative attitude

·?????? Routinely complaining about feeling underappreciated

·?????? Criticizing others

Persons who often show passive-aggression sometimes tend to exhibit normal behaviour externally and othertimes tend to take an unbelievably soft posture on issues but do an immensely negative work. They often fit into the words of Shakespeare “To smile and smile, and yet be a villain.” A few of persons who exhibit such traits have different problems and they tend to project the pain of their other problems in such fragile relationships.

The reasons behind such irresponsible behaviours are attributed to disgust, frustration, envy, unfair comparisons, ego, and low self-esteem. They show their reactions through procrastination, delay, non-compliance, projected inconveniences, articulating problems which do not exist and the like. All that they would need is some reason to show their resistance in a subtle form.

“All that they could do is to transfer me from this seat to another. But there also I will be like this. They should understand that they cannot make me do unless they come to terms with me.” This was the reaction of a senior person with twenty years of experience in the organization consequent to his being rejected for a promotion as against an external younger candidate.

In my fifty years of professional life, I have seen several shades of such behaviour across all the levels of the workforce. A good leader needs to identify such people within the structure and design a way to manage them. It is often difficult to get to know them, as they tend to be invisible or in a hide out. Sometimes their appearances are deceptive.

When a political leader remarked “I lost the election because the so called ‘trusted’ people worked against me underground.” The passive aggression exists at all levels of relationship.

The traces of such behaviours could also been in personal relationships between parents and their wards, the husband-wife relationships or between the teacher and the learner in the classrooms. It is an exhibition of a sense of lack of compatibility between them. Sometimes, the behaviour of these people becomes toxic so that it starts impacting the stress levels of those who deal with them.

How this issue could be addressed and if possible, solved?

Dr. Nina Vasan observes “It starts with both partners being open and willing to change, to work on the relationship, and address head-on the issues that are underlying the passive-aggressive behaviour.”

Dealing and managing such people requires certain amount of diplomacy. Some of the strategies could include:

o?? Ignoring them initially as they tend to seek attention.

o?? Conversing with them converting their statements into a humour

o?? Inviting them to a personal conversation to sort out issues.

o?? Exhibiting a sense of firmness that the system cannot be taken for granted.

o?? Help solve problems if they have any.

o?? Appreciate them for their latent strengths.

o?? Acknowledging them for their past work

One of the types of the Passive-aggressive behaviour is “Stone walling.” Psychologists describe ‘stonewalling’ as follows: “Stonewalling involves refusing to communicate with another person and withdrawing from the conversation to create distance between the individual and their partner. Intentionally shutting down during an argument, also known as the silent treatment, can be hurtful, frustrating, and harmful to the relationship.”

In a professional set up, there are quite a few cases of ‘Stone Walling’ behaviour. It is often an outcome of fear, anxiety, trauma, frustration, hatred, or a learned behaviour. It appears increasingly important the HR units of professional organizations should have adequate standard operating procedures to handle such issues by others, though a few cases may require individual attention.

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