Dealing with Parental Alienation: A Personal Journey and 5 Essential Steps

I've got a confession to make. For years, I've kept a painful secret: my son has cut me out of his life completely and wants nothing to do with me.

Like many parents, I found myself caught in a nasty custody battle. I fought tooth and nail to remain a part of my son's life, endlessly finding myself walking through the revolving door to the courtroom. I was accused of things I never did, painted as a bad mom, and covertly badmouthed to our son. When my ex moved away and my son came to live with me full-time, I thought co-parenting would become easier. But within 18 months, everything fell apart. I was left broke and feeling ashamed, while my son, who'd gone to his dad's for Christmas, never came back nor did he even want to talk to me.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation has many faces, but the outcome is always the same… one parent (or other caregiver with more influence) turns a child against the other parent, even though that parent is loving and capable. For the targeted parent, this rejection can appear to happen overnight (like it did to me) or slowly over time until the child eventually decides they don't want to see that parent anymore.

Red Flags to Watch For

Here are some signs that you are being alienating from your child:

?? Your child says they don't want you at their activities

?? They refuse to follow the custody schedule, claiming it's their choice

?? Your ex says they can't "force" your child to visit you

?? Your child sees the other parent as perfect and you as all bad

?? They give frivolous reasons for rejecting you without being able to give details

?? They repeat the same phrases over and over, especially to authority figures

?? They use words that seem too grown-up for their age

?? They call the other parent to "rescue" them when they're with you

?? Your ex constantly texts or emails them during your time together

?? They complain of frequent stomach aches

?? They won't eat food you've prepared

?? They refuse any affection from you

5 Must-Dos When Facing Parental Alienation

? Learn all you can about it

? Keep conflicts low and show empathy to your child

? Be proactive, not reactive

? Document behavior patterns

? Get help from a qualified therapist

Educate Yourself ??

As a coach who helps parents reunite with their kids, I've talked to folks in all stages of alienation. Most don't fully grasp what's happening. Understanding how the alienating parent thinks is crucial to countering their moves. Knowing your child's perspective will change how you see their behavior and how you respond. Many targeted parents accidentally do things that make the situation worse. Learning about parental alienation helps you avoid these mistakes.

Reduce Conflict and Show Empathy ???

Alienating parents thrive on chaos. They try to make the child associate conflict with you. Although you can't control them, you can control yourself. Becoming a master of conflict resolution has many benefits: you'll feel more in control, be less stressed, give your ex less ammo, and look great to the court and other professionals involved.

Reducing conflict when it comes to communicating with your ex is one thing. It's just as important to parent with less conflict. This might mean ignoring bad behavior instead of punishing it, and responding with understanding and empathy rather than anger (which gets easier once you understand your child's point of view). Normal parenting practices often don't work with alienated kids, so getting help from an experienced coach can be a game-changer.

Be Proactive ?

When you're being alienated, it's easy to feel off-balance and always on the defensive. But reacting to everything is your worst enemy. It leaves you feeling out of control and can make you look unstable to untrained professionals who don't understand what's happening. Trust me, I've been there! I was desperate for someone to believe me and protect my son, while my ex seemed cool, calm, collected and overall appeared to be more grounded and capable.

If you've been dealing with this for a while, you can probably predict your ex's next move. Start acting on those predictions. If they're falsely accusing you of drug use, get tested regularly so you have proof they're lying. Take parenting or anger management classes. Plan ahead for custody exchanges and think about how to defuse any situations your ex might create.

Show Behavior Patterns ??

Many family court judges don't read the evidence before entering the courtroom. They rely on lawyers to paint a picture of what's happening. Typically, both lawyers sling mud in the opposite direction, leaving the judge frustrated and thinking both parents are the problem.

Documenting the alienating parent’s behavior is key, but that is only one side of the equation. The next step is organizing ALL that information into a format that can be easily understood and that demonstrates long-term patterns of behaviors over the course of years. Pathways Family Coaching offers a free webinar to help parents understand exactly how to achieve this.

Get Help from a Qualified Therapist ??

If your kids are already pulling away or refusing to talk to you, "reunification therapy" is commonly ordered by the courts. But here's the catch: there's no standard approach to this type of therapy. Any therapist can claim to offer it, regardless of their methods. This means results can vary wildly.

When looking for a therapist, make sure they're highly qualified. Look for someone with a family systems approach and experience with attachment, trauma, and personality disorders. They should understand pathological enmeshment and use research-based methods for determining the reasons for your children's rejection BEFORE starting therapy.

Court orders for therapy should require participation of ALL caregivers and the children. This means step-parents and, most importantly, the alienating parent. They're the source of the problem, and if they're not required to participate, it's harder for the therapist to identify the root cause. Push for strict court orders that make the alienating parent comply with the therapeutic plan and allow the therapist to make recommendations to the court if reunification isn't successful after a prescribed period of time.

Wrapping Up

Parental alienation is a complex family issue that often slips under the radar of courts, therapists, and child protection agencies. It tears families apart and can leave lasting emotional scars on children well into adulthood. But with the right knowledge and approach, there's hope for healing and reunification.